How 5 Miscarriages Actually Improved My Life and Relationship

Growth, love and a happier life can exist in tragedy

There is no moment in time when I would wish for anyone to experience the grief and loss of hope I experienced with each of my 5 miscarriages — my 5 roses.

With every loss, I felt a part of me dying and this part will never grow back.

During the 2.5-year period of losing the babies and the almost 6-year infertility process, my now husband and I started to take major inventory of our life as a couple and as individuals.

At the time, we didn’t have the best relationship. Mainly, we were so wrapped up in our own heads. What’s worse, we didn’t even know it.

I was bitter and angry. He was frustrated and feeling stuck.

We weren’t open to change. Not real change anyway. From my perspective, I saw everyone else as needing to change. After all, in my rage-infused mind, it was always someone else’s fault.

Along came miscarriage after miscarriage and we slowly started to see some lessons and shifts in our personal views on life, the world and who we were as a couple.

Life’s tragedies don’t always have to end in sad stories.

Here’s how our life actually got better while losing our 5 bundles of hope.

1 — We started intentionally communicating with each other

As a couple, we learned to communicate better. We heard how couples suffering from multiple miscarriages or total infertility often drifted apart. We were determined to not let this happen to us.

We got better at speaking to each other. We opened up and shared. He was honest about how he could never truly know what it feels like to lose a life growing inside and I was honest in that it felt very lonely.

He wanted to help me but he didn’t know how to. I learned to tell him how rather than hint about how.

As a couple, we grew stronger. We supported each other and communicated when things weren’t going well.

“We are all different in the way we perceive the world. We must use this as a guide to our communication with others.” — Tony Robbins

We decided to stop pointing the finger at one another.

Instead, we asked questions. We sat together. We got curious about why we reacted or felt frustrated when one of us said something the other one didn’t like.

Rather than ignoring the other person, we engaged the other person in a conversation — albeit, sometimes an argument too.

The point was to actually speak to each other. We didn’t want to mumble something under our breath and then pretend we didn’t say anything.

It’s not perfect and we still have our misunderstandings, but now we talk about these rather than sweeping them under the rug.

This was the first positive experience for us while losing baby after baby.

2 — We worked on our own personal growth

At an individual level, we both started working on our own self-improvement. We are still busy with this and support each other along the way.

It’s hard. There are days we suck at it and days when we see amazing progress. The point is we keep going. Our babies taught us how precious life is and only through trying can we get better at handling any situation.

They also helped us open up as individuals. We started trying things we never even considered before.

I did an 8-week Mindfulness Self-Compassion course. This helped me to be more compassionate with myself during the process of loss. It helped me heel and accept what was happening.

It also helped me become more compassionate towards my husband who was experiencing things vastly different compared to what I was experiencing.

We both learned the importance of meditation and journaling. Although to be completely honest, it took us a while to really nail down these two fantastic habits.

It’s not perfect and we hit many bumps, but the shifts have been adding to who we are as a couple. Without the losses we experienced, we likely would still be a similar version of our old selves.

3 — I released control to the extent that I knew how

After the third miscarriage, I started to realize I cannot control everything. This was a massive realization for me. It was terrifying. Even now, years later, it still feels scary.

“By releasing control over circumstances, you gain more control over your life.” — Kyle Maynard

Releasing some control helped me to acknowledge myself as a perfectionist. I discovered that other things in life were (are) simply more important.

Now I refer to myself as a recovering perfectionist.

My husband can finally breathe better around me, as can most people. This step alone has added depth and freedom to my life.

4 — Gratitude

Going through each miscarriage, at the time seemed like a never-ending nightmare. There were times when I questioned if I’d ever be a mother.

Looking back, I see how far I’ve come personally. I can’t help but be grateful for what I’ve learned and my willingness to look beyond what was happening.

“When I say life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you, I really don’t know if that’s true. I’m just making a conscious choice to perceive challenges as something beneficial so that I can deal with them in the most productive way.” — Jim Carrey

Not only did they teach me about the kind of person I want to be, but they also strengthen my relationship with my husband. They helped me learn what it means to truly love. And my doing this, they helped me move on.

Now, as a mother of two beautiful and amazing little miracles, I see how my five little losses gave me so much more than I could have ever asked for.

They gave me hope, love, and a lifetime of positive experiences to share and teach my kids.

As hard as it was, I am forever grateful for the lessons I learned and for the opportunity to have had those little roses growing in my tummy, even if it was only for a short time.

“Before the pain, I carried you. And in my heart, I carry you still.” — Unknown

When you allow yourself to learn from what’s happening, you have the chance to discover who you are as a person. The 5 miscarriages, as horrible as they were, have given me so many things to be thankful for. The quality of my life, and that of my husband’s, has increased significantly. For this, we see our losses as tragedies, but also as gifts.

Thank you for reading my article. I hope it has helped you in some way.

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