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Abstract

2> <div><h3>Struggling to get on the same page with your partner? Smooth things out by helping them understand what you want and…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*gjJkQuvcPWxiJ8GBQUA12A.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h2 id="061d">Forming bad patterns</h2><p id="3c42">We experience a lot of things in this life. We go through relationships, careers, families, breakups, breakdowns, death…you name it. Everything we experience comes together to inform our beliefs about the world that we’re in and how we move through it. These experiences teach us what to value and how to react.</p><p id="b198">Over time, these beliefs build into behaviors that become patterns. Again and again, we act out the same choices and actions, which can lead us right into the heart of chaos and heartbreak.</p><p id="ab55">Gaslighting can become one such pattern.</p><p id="b008">The more you accept and allow gaslighting in your relationships, the more normalized it becomes. You become comfortable in the discomfort and upset of being denied. So your subconscious will seek these gaslighting people and environments to give you that sense of “home” wherever you go.</p><h2 id="87cc">Reinforcing self-esteem</h2><p id="4be8">How do you feel after someone gaslights you? Do you feel cozy being told that you’re crazy? That you’re wrong? That something never happened? Or you’re silly for being upset about it? It’s unlikely you walk away feeling great after being denied like that.</p><p id="02e8"><a href="https://readmedium.com/self-esteem-under-attack-88483cad40b4">Self-esteem can be heavily impacted</a> by gaslighting behavior. The more you are denied by people you love and trust, the more you come to doubt yourself and your self-worth.</p><p id="8718">Allowing gaslighting behaviors reinforces the aspects of low self-esteem we may already be operating within. As someone we love tells us we don’t have a right to feel the way we do, we get into the habit of telling ourselves our feelings doesn’t matter. That can lead to the belief that you don’t matter either.</p><h2 id="4547">Abusive operations</h2><p id="740b">We are a society who has formed really warped ideas of abuse. Many of us hold on to the archaic belief that abuse must be physical. We think that parents and partners have to hit us and chain us to a bed for us to abused. That’s not the case. Abuse is also mental and emotional, and gaslighting falls right into a favored tactic in this space.</p><p id="a42e">It’s very common to see gaslighting as a form of bigger abusive patterns. Someone you love breaks you down over time, and when you come to them with concerns about the way you’re feeling — they deny you by minimizing the situation or by denying the experience entirely.</p><p id="3493">What happens is that you either learn to accept the abuse, or learn to deny yourself. Usually, it’s both. In most cases, this is the primary wall that allows abusive behaviors and cycles to continue uninterrupted for decades.</p><div id="217c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/emotional-abuse-why-its-still-overlooked-and-rarely-talked-about-f0edf285f64b"> <div> <div> <h2>Emotional Abuse: Why It’s Still Overlooked and Rarely Talked About</h

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2> <div><h3>Getting clear on a form of abuse that thrives in confusion. It’s time to stop overlooking emotional abuse.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*6iZdnQZ_haFwastXvIelqg.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><h2 id="cadb">Power restructuring</h2><p id="76af">There are power dynamics in every relationship that we have. As in the natural world, we humans have our own way of balancing those who are more dominant and those who are less dominant. This can bring about a lot of productivity and success in the right context, but when dealing with toxic people, it becomes a daily ego struggle.</p><p id="9b2c">Domineering people love to use gaslighting in their inextricable climb to the top of whatever ambition they have. By gaslighting those who get in their way, they can manipulate their perspective and their behaviors. That goes a long way to <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-best-ways-to-deal-with-a-one-sided-relationship-a9176de414c8">putting them on the top of the power pile</a> in their relationships with others.</p><h1 id="4949">How to confront the gaslighters in your life.</h1><p id="3243">The aim of a gaslighter is to make us feel small and to separate us from our sense of self worth. If we want to avoid this, we have to tap back into our confidence and refocus on action and what matters most.</p><p id="7034">Anchor yourself in a strong sense of self and an even stronger sense of self-esteem. The more you believe in yourself, the harder it becomes for someone to gaslight you or lead you astray.</p><p id="c389">Cling to the things which keep you strong and lean into a personal space that allows you to build a new perspective. You have a right to be happy and loved. Embrace this, set better boundaries for yourself (which you enforce).</p><p id="845b">We all have lines and limits, and that’s a good thing.</p><p id="0d1f">Manipulators and abusers cannot be changed by us, only by themselves. Stop trying to change them and start focusing on the one life you can improve: yours. This is your moment to break the cycle and find your happiness. Take your joy seriously and accept this chance to thrive.</p><p id="18f6"><b><i>Survivors of narcissistic abuse have a hard time recovering themselves after years of gaslighting and self-denial. That’s why I use neurolinguistic programming to help them recover themselves. <a href="https://www.therealebjohnson.com">Find out more about my work</a>.</i></b></p><p id="077f"><i>Stark, C. (2019). Gaslighting, Misogyny, and Psychological Oppression. The Monist, 102(2), 221–235. doi: 10.1093/monist/onz007</i></p><p id="19e2">© <i>E.B. Johnson 2022</i></p><div id="4ae7" class="link-block"> <a href="https://www.eb-johnson.com/membership"> <div> <div> <h2>E.B. Johnson - Medium</h2> <div><h3>Read writing from E.B. Johnson on Medium. Trauma informed & certified NLPMP. 8x top writer. Host Practical Growth Pod…</h3></div> <div><p>www.eb-johnson.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*fKhYvZljqsY-mJ4d)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Shattering the Pattern: Why You Must Have Zero Tolerance for Gaslighting Behaviors

We are a society that loves to gaslight victims. This is why you can’t afford to let that slide anymore.

Image by alexlucru123 via Envato Elements

by E.B. Johnson

We are a society who loves to gaslight. We gaslight survivors, victims, anyone who stands up for progress or something better. Even worse, we gaslight ourselves — allowing toxic and damaging generational patterns of trauma to take root and terrorize our children and grandchildren for centuries.

The time has come for each of us to stop and take stock.

We can no longer afford to gaslight one another. We can’t allow this behavior to go any further or to cause any more damage than we already have. Painful though it might be, it’s time for each of us to put our feet down and take accountability for who we are, what we want, and what we’re not getting in our lives and relationships.

Why you must have zero tolerance for gaslighting.

No matter who you are dealing with in your life, you must have zero tolerance for gaslighting. Learn to hold space for yourself and your emotions. You have a right to hold people to account, and they have a right to hold you to account. Ignoring gaslighting is dangerous, and can lead to escalation, power struggles, and more.

A source of escalation

Did you know gaslighting is often the first step in an escalating pattern? Toxic relationships don’t start that way. Abusive people rarely begin their most heinous behavior right off-the-bat. Things escalate. They get worse over time.

Gaslighting can be an early phase of an escalating pattern. Toxic people test the boundaries by pushing you around and shifting as much responsibility to you as possible. The more you take their antics, the more they know they can get from you. And they will. You could soon find yourself dealing with a totally one-sided (and even dangerous) relationship.

Denying your needs

One of the most insidious parts of gaslighting is the denial of needs. When someone gaslights you, they are literally going out of their way to avoid addressing your needs. That might be a need for accountability, or even just a need for clarification and communication. The toxic person avoids all of them.

You have a right to address your concerns and your issues in your relationship with another person. You have a right to ask questions and to hold space for your feelings. If someone in your life denies those things — tells you that you’re wrong for having them, silly, or crazy — then you must consider that they don’t care about what you need, how you feel, or what you want.

Helping Your Partner Better Understand Your Needs

Struggling to get on the same page with your partner? Smooth things out by helping them understand what you want and…

medium.com

Forming bad patterns

We experience a lot of things in this life. We go through relationships, careers, families, breakups, breakdowns, death…you name it. Everything we experience comes together to inform our beliefs about the world that we’re in and how we move through it. These experiences teach us what to value and how to react.

Over time, these beliefs build into behaviors that become patterns. Again and again, we act out the same choices and actions, which can lead us right into the heart of chaos and heartbreak.

Gaslighting can become one such pattern.

The more you accept and allow gaslighting in your relationships, the more normalized it becomes. You become comfortable in the discomfort and upset of being denied. So your subconscious will seek these gaslighting people and environments to give you that sense of “home” wherever you go.

Reinforcing self-esteem

How do you feel after someone gaslights you? Do you feel cozy being told that you’re crazy? That you’re wrong? That something never happened? Or you’re silly for being upset about it? It’s unlikely you walk away feeling great after being denied like that.

Self-esteem can be heavily impacted by gaslighting behavior. The more you are denied by people you love and trust, the more you come to doubt yourself and your self-worth.

Allowing gaslighting behaviors reinforces the aspects of low self-esteem we may already be operating within. As someone we love tells us we don’t have a right to feel the way we do, we get into the habit of telling ourselves our feelings doesn’t matter. That can lead to the belief that you don’t matter either.

Abusive operations

We are a society who has formed really warped ideas of abuse. Many of us hold on to the archaic belief that abuse must be physical. We think that parents and partners have to hit us and chain us to a bed for us to abused. That’s not the case. Abuse is also mental and emotional, and gaslighting falls right into a favored tactic in this space.

It’s very common to see gaslighting as a form of bigger abusive patterns. Someone you love breaks you down over time, and when you come to them with concerns about the way you’re feeling — they deny you by minimizing the situation or by denying the experience entirely.

What happens is that you either learn to accept the abuse, or learn to deny yourself. Usually, it’s both. In most cases, this is the primary wall that allows abusive behaviors and cycles to continue uninterrupted for decades.

Emotional Abuse: Why It’s Still Overlooked and Rarely Talked About

Getting clear on a form of abuse that thrives in confusion. It’s time to stop overlooking emotional abuse.

medium.com

Power restructuring

There are power dynamics in every relationship that we have. As in the natural world, we humans have our own way of balancing those who are more dominant and those who are less dominant. This can bring about a lot of productivity and success in the right context, but when dealing with toxic people, it becomes a daily ego struggle.

Domineering people love to use gaslighting in their inextricable climb to the top of whatever ambition they have. By gaslighting those who get in their way, they can manipulate their perspective and their behaviors. That goes a long way to putting them on the top of the power pile in their relationships with others.

How to confront the gaslighters in your life.

The aim of a gaslighter is to make us feel small and to separate us from our sense of self worth. If we want to avoid this, we have to tap back into our confidence and refocus on action and what matters most.

Anchor yourself in a strong sense of self and an even stronger sense of self-esteem. The more you believe in yourself, the harder it becomes for someone to gaslight you or lead you astray.

Cling to the things which keep you strong and lean into a personal space that allows you to build a new perspective. You have a right to be happy and loved. Embrace this, set better boundaries for yourself (which you enforce).

We all have lines and limits, and that’s a good thing.

Manipulators and abusers cannot be changed by us, only by themselves. Stop trying to change them and start focusing on the one life you can improve: yours. This is your moment to break the cycle and find your happiness. Take your joy seriously and accept this chance to thrive.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse have a hard time recovering themselves after years of gaslighting and self-denial. That’s why I use neurolinguistic programming to help them recover themselves. Find out more about my work.

Stark, C. (2019). Gaslighting, Misogyny, and Psychological Oppression. The Monist, 102(2), 221–235. doi: 10.1093/monist/onz007