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meets the road and both of you take your first steps into action. And it’s a small one, which makes it that much easier.</p><p id="7a3a">Make time to talk — and make it fun. Plain and simple, you and your partner need to talk about yourself. You need to tell them what you want, and they need room to do the same. That doesn’t have to be labored, though. It can be a good time and it can be enjoyable.</p><p id="5d0b">Plan a fun date night and make it clear that the intention is just to cozy up and have fun. You’re going to talk about yourselves, what you want, how you want things to change. But you’re going to do it over a round of putt-putt golf, or while you’re watching a stupid movie you haven’t seen since high school.</p><p id="a3b4">Ask open-ended questions and push your partner to do the same. Be direct, non-blaming, and focused on your own needs. Don’t list your needs in a comparison to what they aren’t giving. Simply state how you see your future and ask them how they see theirs.</p><h2 id="0801">Make an intentional move</h2><p id="7698">A big mistake that a lot of couples make is assuming that good communication just happens. You assume that the other person will speak up when something is wrong, and you assume that if you’re “truly in love” you’ll just inherently understand one another. But that doesn’t work in this reality.</p><p id="e6dc">Both of you have to make time to sit with <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-to-live-an-intentional-life-33b6888204bd?source=false---------0">intention</a> and communicate — even when there are no bad things going on in your partnership. That means getting up, sitting down, and having your morning coffees together. Catching up after work, or before you go to bed.</p><p id="15a1">Even if you have nothing to talk about, you need to talk. So many powerful connections are made, even when we’re talking about nothing at all.</p><p id="d0a3">When you talk, you are building on your trust and keeping your bond in sight. Both of you should start these conversations and make space for them in your weekly routines. Talk about yourself. Then make sure you are asking questions and making space for your partner to talk about themselves, too.</p><h2 id="778c">Seek to understand them</h2><p id="b14b">Helping your partner understand you isn’t the only side of this equation. In turn, you should seek to <a href="https://readmedium.com/getting-them-to-open-up-d45b4b9bd265?source=false---------0">understand them, too</a>. That means that when you open up, you’re not only focused on yourself. You’re focused on them, too. You should want to know who they really are, and what their experience is really like. That’s a partnership.</p><p id="64cb">Who is your partner? What do they value? What is their life really like at this moment? The more you see of them, the more the reality of your relationship with them is revealed.</p><p id="245a">By showing yourself more fully to your partner, you encourage them to do the same. The more honest and open you can be with one another, the more grace you can extend one another. That goes miles when we’re facing hardship or adversity in our relationships. Reach out to them. See them as deeply as you see yourself.</p

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<h2 id="0a01">Share experiences together</h2><p id="a19d">There’s no denying the power that shared experiences have in our partnerships. It’s a bit like a glue that can keep us close when the world wedges itself between us. Shared experiences <a href="https://readmedium.com/the-5-steps-you-can-use-to-create-a-better-relationship-today-627fd8edf79e?source=false---------0">create shared memories</a>, and shared memories hold a lot of sentimental weight and value.</p><p id="0659">If you really want to know the person you love, spend a few years going through life with them. Dig your feet in. Go through the ups and down. Move beyond that. Create shared experiences together that are joyful, fulfilling, and exciting.</p><p id="4308">Don’t avoid the trials of life. Help one another climb the mountains and face the difficulties together. Get out of the misery, too. Make a point of having fun. Share times in which you can laugh as well as cry.</p><p id="016d">The more shared experiences you can create, the better. Intentional ones hold a lot of weight; but incidental ones hold a lot of emotional value as well. Take one another by the hand and leap into the net of life. This is the point of a partner. Truly share the experience to understand one another.</p><h1 id="133c">Putting it all together…</h1><p id="dbbc">Are you and your partner struggling to understand one another? Don’t settle for the awkward silences and the feeling that something isn’t right. Open up with your partner and show them who you are. Intentionally communicate, be present, and show up for one another.</p><p id="9490">To understand our partners, we need to understand ourselves. We need to be honest and build fulfilling lives that make us vibrate from the inside out. Show your partner what you need by living a life in which you supply yourself with joy and stability.</p><p id="705a">Reach out to them. Ask them questions and see them more fully so that you can better see both yourself and your relationship better. Love isn’t a happy accident. It’s a connection maintained through hard work and commitment over time. What comes next for your partnership? Open up the doors of understanding and allow yourselves to stand fully in the light of your truth.</p><h2 id="537c">Join my mailing list and get regular stories and reliable advice. Ready to improve your life? Find out about my coaching programs.</h2><h2 id="8d8c">Want my full catalogue of advice on life and love? It’s all a part of your Medium subscription. Join now for full access.</h2><div id="33db" class="link-block">

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Helping Your Partner Better Understand Your Needs

Struggling to get on the same page with your partner? Smooth things out by helping them understand what you want and who you are.

Image by *@Lesia.Skywalker via Twenty20*

by: E.B. Johnson

Does it feel like you and your partner are speaking different languages sometimes? We’ve all been there. You want to be connected and you want to be together, but you just can’t get on the same page. They aren’t seeing or hearing you, and you’re not seeing or hearing them. Fights and divides become the norm. You probably try to figure things out a time or two, but the misunderstandings only get deeper.

How to help your partner understand you.

For you to salvage your relationship, there has to be a base level of understanding between you and your partner. Too many couples fall into this divide because they don’t work hard to make their needs known upfront. And they don’t defend their boundaries when they’re pushed. Do you want your partner to understand you? Truly? Come to know yourself and elevate the way you communicate your core.

Start with inner knowing

Before your partner can see you clearly, you must be able to see yourself. A lot of us wait for our partners (or our relationships) to define us, but that’s exactly how we get in trouble. Love with someone else is an inside out job. Realize who you are and that person can shine to the world more clearly.

Who are you? What do you want? This is the moment to define your meaning, how you want to feel, and the path you want to take in life. None of this should be defined by your partner or your relationship, but it should be nourished by both.

Figure out who you are. You should be able to create a tangible vision of the life you need. Get so clear on this future you that you can feel them, smell them, taste the life around them.

Journaling is one way to reach the inner you, but so is living a life that’s fully fulfilled. Meditate on this person. Reach out to them through conscious action and a determination to be the happiest version of yourself that exists. Bring them to life by becoming more of yourself, on your own path, every day.

Elevate communication skills

Needless to say, knowing who you are isn’t enough. Having that clear picture alone won’t help your partner see it. Nor will it help you understand who they are. There’s a next step, and it involves elevating your communication skills so that you can become a more effective and clear partner.

Now is the moment for you and your partner to make an intentional effort. This is where the rubber meets the road and both of you take your first steps into action. And it’s a small one, which makes it that much easier.

Make time to talk — and make it fun. Plain and simple, you and your partner need to talk about yourself. You need to tell them what you want, and they need room to do the same. That doesn’t have to be labored, though. It can be a good time and it can be enjoyable.

Plan a fun date night and make it clear that the intention is just to cozy up and have fun. You’re going to talk about yourselves, what you want, how you want things to change. But you’re going to do it over a round of putt-putt golf, or while you’re watching a stupid movie you haven’t seen since high school.

Ask open-ended questions and push your partner to do the same. Be direct, non-blaming, and focused on your own needs. Don’t list your needs in a comparison to what they aren’t giving. Simply state how you see your future and ask them how they see theirs.

Make an intentional move

A big mistake that a lot of couples make is assuming that good communication just happens. You assume that the other person will speak up when something is wrong, and you assume that if you’re “truly in love” you’ll just inherently understand one another. But that doesn’t work in this reality.

Both of you have to make time to sit with intention and communicate — even when there are no bad things going on in your partnership. That means getting up, sitting down, and having your morning coffees together. Catching up after work, or before you go to bed.

Even if you have nothing to talk about, you need to talk. So many powerful connections are made, even when we’re talking about nothing at all.

When you talk, you are building on your trust and keeping your bond in sight. Both of you should start these conversations and make space for them in your weekly routines. Talk about yourself. Then make sure you are asking questions and making space for your partner to talk about themselves, too.

Seek to understand them

Helping your partner understand you isn’t the only side of this equation. In turn, you should seek to understand them, too. That means that when you open up, you’re not only focused on yourself. You’re focused on them, too. You should want to know who they really are, and what their experience is really like. That’s a partnership.

Who is your partner? What do they value? What is their life really like at this moment? The more you see of them, the more the reality of your relationship with them is revealed.

By showing yourself more fully to your partner, you encourage them to do the same. The more honest and open you can be with one another, the more grace you can extend one another. That goes miles when we’re facing hardship or adversity in our relationships. Reach out to them. See them as deeply as you see yourself.

Share experiences together

There’s no denying the power that shared experiences have in our partnerships. It’s a bit like a glue that can keep us close when the world wedges itself between us. Shared experiences create shared memories, and shared memories hold a lot of sentimental weight and value.

If you really want to know the person you love, spend a few years going through life with them. Dig your feet in. Go through the ups and down. Move beyond that. Create shared experiences together that are joyful, fulfilling, and exciting.

Don’t avoid the trials of life. Help one another climb the mountains and face the difficulties together. Get out of the misery, too. Make a point of having fun. Share times in which you can laugh as well as cry.

The more shared experiences you can create, the better. Intentional ones hold a lot of weight; but incidental ones hold a lot of emotional value as well. Take one another by the hand and leap into the net of life. This is the point of a partner. Truly share the experience to understand one another.

Putting it all together…

Are you and your partner struggling to understand one another? Don’t settle for the awkward silences and the feeling that something isn’t right. Open up with your partner and show them who you are. Intentionally communicate, be present, and show up for one another.

To understand our partners, we need to understand ourselves. We need to be honest and build fulfilling lives that make us vibrate from the inside out. Show your partner what you need by living a life in which you supply yourself with joy and stability.

Reach out to them. Ask them questions and see them more fully so that you can better see both yourself and your relationship better. Love isn’t a happy accident. It’s a connection maintained through hard work and commitment over time. What comes next for your partnership? Open up the doors of understanding and allow yourselves to stand fully in the light of your truth.