Emotional Abuse: Why It’s Still Overlooked and Rarely Talked About

Getting clear on a form of abuse that thrives in confusion. Have you been a victim of emotional abuse? The signs aren’t always easy to spot.

Have you been a victim of emotional abuse? It is estimated that 80% of adults have experienced or survived emotional abuse at some point in their lifetime. That’s a staggering number. So why don’t more of us talk about our pain or our experiences? The hard-to-swallow truth is that this sly form of manipulation is still widely misunderstood, and centrally downplayed. Not a good thing for a society on the brink of collapse, with couples pushed to the point of absolute chaos.

Why emotional abuse is still misunderstood.

So if we’re growing so much as a society — why is emotional abuse still so commonly overlooked and denied? Why do we give emotional abusers a free pass and even allow our children to be sacrificed to these vicious cycles? First, it’s incredibly subtle. Some emotional abuse is so slick, you don’t even realize what’s happening until you’re stuck.

But worse than that, we have normalized emotional abuse across societies and family structures. It’s a part of our government bodies, and it’s been built right into the very hearts of some of the most important infrastructure. Why didn’t your therapist see the signs? Why didn’t you? Facing up to the truth will set you free in ways you never imagined.

It’s incredibly subtle

The most obvious answer to our question is that emotional abuse is incredibly subtle. That’s why so many people will brush it off and pretend that it doesn’t hurt them as badly as it does. If it doesn’t leave a mark on our bodies, it can’t be that bad, right?

Wrong. While emotional abuse may not leave marks on the outside of our bodies, it leaves real and lasting scars on our psyche. Literally, some emotional abuse treads in the realm of trauma and that can cause lasting brain damage that forever alters our beliefs, our personality, and our outlook on life.

Emotional abuse usually starts subtly, through snide remarks or passive aggressive taunts. But then it escalates into the realm of screaming, demeaning, diminishing, and every other method of making you feel internally insignificant and out of control.

It’s incredibly normalized

For those who have experienced emotional abuse (and woken up to it) the patterns become obvious. But even so, we let a lot of bad emotional behavior slide. Why? Frankly, it’s because we’ve normalized this kind of abuse and mistreatment.

Think about it. Have you ever met someone who shrugged off a husband that made fun of their weight? Or a wife who called them names? Or screamed at them until they gave in and changed their behavior?

Too often, we will look at behaviors like this and think, “Oh, that’s just how these things work.” But it’s not. Your partner shouldn’t terrorize you, threaten you, or beat you into submission mentally and emotionally when they want something that you aren’t willing to give.

These can be signs of emotional abuse, and signs that you’re dealing with someone who will hurt your mind and your heart. Instead of dismissing these things as the “way of the world” we need to look at them as red flags and valid reasons to exit the scene.

We don’t value emotional health

There’s a much more hard-to-swallow truth behind our tendency to the look the other way with emotional abuse. Like it or not, we are not a society that values mental and emotional health. We just aren’t.

That’s displayed in everything from our working habits to our relationships with one another. In general, most of us live in a world where we expect friends, family, mothers, wives, and everyone else to do emotional labor for us — free from charge…whenever we decide we want it.

Along the same lines, we think that therapy and counseling should be free. Unfortunately, that all comes down to our inability to empathize with one another and what it takes to do emotional processing and heavy lifting. It’s not a straightforward job, and it takes its toll.

In a society in which mental and emotional health is minimized and regularly dismissed, you learn how to bury down the mental and emotional injuries that pain you. Until they explode and burn down the entire village in the process.

It creates deep fear

While the trauma of physical abuse is lasting, it is the emotional element of this damage that lasts for decades to come. Wounds on the outside heal faster than the wounds on the inside. When we take on emotional traumas, they follow us and change our behavioral patterns (sometimes) forever.

Those who get submerged in a world of emotional abuse find themselves living in a state of fear. They are fearful that their loved one will leave them. They are fearful that they themselves are somehow unlovable or at fault for what happened.

And then there’s the fear of what happens when they try to break free. Will the emotional abuse follow them? Will the emotional abuser ruin their reputation or create damaging rumors?

These fears run deep, and they can prevent people from accessing their truth in empowering ways. Victims of emotional abuse can become so fearful that they decide they have no choice but to settle for the pain that they’re in…even if they know it’s wrong.

Our behaviors are changed

Emotional abuse changes your personality, your beliefs, and your behavior. It’s true. The trauma of it can inflict real and lasting brain damage, and it can also damage your endocrine system and your immune system.

Survivors of emotional abuse undergo a necessary readjustment of thoughts and belief. It’s how they can keep themselves safe and normalize the pain that they’re in. But all of that requires adopting a new personality and disingenuous behaviors that follow you into every other relationship you try to build in the future.

Society thrives on it

Frankly, it’s a lot more convenient for our current structures of power if you don’t recognize or stand up to emotional abuse. Think about it. You get emotionally abused and exploited every single day by the power structures over you.

All of western society relies on emotional abuse to keep citizens scared and easily coercible. It’s how they get you to do what they want, and it’s how they can keep entire populations divided and fighting with each other in the streets and on the internet.

When was the last time you felt good after interacting with something the government said or did? When was the last time you felt at ease after watching a mainstream news report? The answer is probably never.

That’s because society thrives on you being on edge, ready to jump off whatever cliff you’re told to. There’s nothing more emotionally abusive than keeping people in a state of fear that causes them to feel as though their lives are unstable and out of control.

The experts aren’t informed

Here’s another hard truth that’s going to get a lot of heat. Too many mental health professionals and experts out there are not truly informed (enough) on the depth of emotional abuse. They have limited experience with it, and their textbook isn’t enough to spot the deepest insidious signs.

In reality, our mental health systems are not equipped to deal with the full range of emotional abuse and traumatic consequences. These “experts” (who are not fully informed, with no experience in trauma) are quick to dismiss victims as overindulged (or ill themselves).

We need a system that includes more professionals who have lived through the turbulent trials of emotional abuse, broken through, and freed themselves. We need more therapists, counselors, coaches who have done the work and walked the hard roads, so they can show other people the way.

What this means for you…

Emotional abuse is subtle, and it takes time to build up. So many of us cannot escape or stand up to this insidious form of manipulation because we don’t see it coming until it’s too late. And the same can apply even to our therapists, counselors, and doctors. We are not a society that well-recognizes the chaos of mental and emotional abuse, and that leaves too many of us at risk.

For you to safeguard yourself, you have to become your own advocate in so many ways. That means learning everything you can about emotional abuse, and how to confront it in your own life.

Seeing the truth for yourself is empowering. Empowering yourself, you can then empower others. Don’t downplay the way you are being made to feel. Don’t ignore the signs of someone who is weaponizing your love (or your fear) against you. Stand up for yourself, your future, and everything that matters to you. This life is yours. Fill it with love and people who return that love to you.

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