This Why You’re Actually So Disappointed in Your Husband

The answers are a little more complex (and brutal) than you may want to admit to yourself, or to him...

by E.B. Johnson

Do you look at your husband with absolute disappointment? Has he turned out to be everything he promised he wouldn’t be? Has he failed to show up the way he used to? Or to honor your relationship the way he said he would?

There are a lot of reasons we can end up disappointed in the person who we’re married to. Whether they failed to meet expectations, or they purposely went out of their way to hurt you — it’s hard to hold on when you’re doing so in resentment and contempt.

Why you’re so disappointed in your husband.

To get to the root of our marital issues, we have to break it down layer-by-layer. What aren’t you getting out of your relationship? How are you being respected? How are you being disrespected?

Once you’re honest about how he’s not showing up for you, you can take action to set it right (or give yourself a better relationship). But that radical honesty is a must. Be truthful about why you’re disappointed in your husband.

He didn’t live up to his side of the deal

When we settle down into our relationships, we do so with certain understandings. We assume we will show up for our partner one way, and that they will continue to show up for us in the ways they are showing up for that now. And that’s where we make some deadly mistakes.

Do you feel like your husband hasn’t continued to show up for you? Maybe you feel like he’s gone on autopilot, or that he’s not showing that he cares. This is common in a lot of marriages. When things slip, you can feel like your husband isn’t living up to his side of the deal.

It’s important not to let these feelings simmer, however. The long they are ignored, the greater the distance and the resentment will become. Be proactive. Act and speak up as soon as you feel the slowdown.

Let your partner know how you feel, how you want to be treated, and where your absolute boundary lines and needs lie. If you feel like he’s not carrying his weight in a way that you need him to, express that civilly and with the focus being on your experience and your feelings (rather than blaming him or assuming motives).

You’ve come to feel stronger than him

Over time, we experience a lot of hardships in our relationships. Life is filled with challenges and it certainly challenges us personally and as partners. We need powerful partners beside us, who can carry more than just the financial burden of a relationship.

When you get to the other side of all life’s drama, there’s a shift. You can start to feel like you handled more mental and emotional anguish than your partner — even while keeping everyone else’s life together, too.

Over time, you come to feel like an outsider looking in, and when you look in, you may see a husband who is mentally, emotionally, and physically weaker that you are (in every way that really matters). When that happens you stop feel like equals, and you feel distinctly like he is not on your level.

He doesn’t treat you like an equal

Does your husband treat you as his equal? Or does he talk down to you and make you feel as small and as insignificant as possible? He may even treat you more like a possession or an accessory.

It’s a major letdown, turn off, and disappointment. Who wants to be with someone who doesn’t respect them? Certainly not a woman who knows her worth and the kind of partners that really exist out there. If you’re disappointed in a man who doesn’t treat you as an equal, it’s not exactly a mystery.

You know he’s intimidated by you

Let’s face it, some women are absolute powerhouses. No matter how tough life gets, they keep showing up and making it happen. They can have the most horrid origin story imaginable, and they’ll create empires that feed children for decades.

That can be intimidating to a man who has received a lot of praise throughout his life for being little more than mediocre. This hard truth about our society leaves men without in romantic partnerships.

Watching your wife achieve highs, all while being emotionally honest and present, is intimidating. It can be especially intimidating if you’re invested in old world beliefs, which posit the man as a superficial “head” by default. Or if you struggle with emotions and making it happen in this dog-eat-dog world.

You feel like you’re raising a child

Wives across the world often complain about the “extra child effect”. You’ve heard it before. Once they’re settled in with their partner, had a kid or two — there’s a reversion. Their husband becomes like a child himself, demanding an insane amount of mental, emotional, and material care in order to keep the peace.

It can feel as though you’re raising an unwanted, ungrateful, and unexpected child. Again, this creates resentment. As your husband increases his demands, you become more irritated and angered. Being the mother of a capable adult is no small thing, and the emotional labor can take a toll that it’s hard to recover from.

He doesn’t make any effort anymore

Relationships don’t thrive when partners stop making an effort. And you certainly won’t feel more attracted to someone who isn’t showing up. Does your husband still put effort into your relationship? Or do you feel like things are one-sided?

The truth is that our relationships need nourishment to thrive. It doesn’t matter what’s going on at work with the kids; you and your partner have to find a way to make regular (and spontaneous) time for one another in which you can keep the fires sparked, and the interest keyed.

If your partner has stopped trying — stopped making time for you — it’s inevitable that you’ll feel annoyed, unwanted, hurt, and angry. While we don’t depend on our husbands for everything, we should be able to rely on them in important moments and in the day-to-day to be there for us.

He makes the conscious choice to hurt you

When you have a partner who makes the conscious choice to hurt you, it changes the way you see them. It has to. It doesn’t matter if they hit you, cheat on you, or emotionally rip you apart over-and-over again. The trust is eroded.

If your husband abuses you in any way, if he dismisses you and belittles you — does things he knows will upset you or make you feel bad about yourself — then these are all things that will change the way you see him.

Once this shift happens, it takes even more hard work to put it back. For your husband to become the person who he was wouldn’t be enough. There would still be hurts there, debts you would feel hadn’t been paid.

We rarely go back to trusting someone entirely after they’ve hurt us in deep ways or in deep places where our vulnerabilities dwell. It becomes up to you and your husband to decide whether these are wounds you have the power (and desire) to heal or not.

He’s a complete and total bore

Frankly, your husband doesn’t have to do anything bad for your feelings to turn away from him. Sometimes, it’s not a matter of what he does to hurt you. It’s simply a matter of what he doesn’t do as a person, or a partner.

Are you shackled to a man who doesn’t want to grow? A person who doesn’t want to learn, or expand with you in any way? That’s frustrating, especially when you’re ambitious or driven toward something more.

We are complex creatures, we’re dynamic. We need a lot of different interests and passions to keep us plugged into life and engaged. A partner who puts themselves on the sidelines is a drain. They’re a bore, and they keep us from exploring life to its fullest.

That’s pretty disappointing when you bond your life with someone you think has the same energetic vision as you…but they end up being more attached to the couch than experiencing the world around them.

What you should take from this…

Some disappointments in our marriages are natural. Things shift and change over time, and we shift and change as partners with them. There are some wounds that are too great for our relationships to bear, however, and you shouldn’t have to roll over and settle for poor behavior and one-sided love.

Be radically honest with yourself about who your husband is, and who he isn’t. Then, focus on what you deserve as a loving and compassionate person.

You don’t have to sell out for a partner who doesn’t respect you — for a husband who doesn’t show up and put you first (ever). Seek healthier shores you can lie your head on and allow the distance between you to grow if that is what is needed.

Take time and space to figure out what you want to say and do, then take action to secure a happy future for yourself. You weren’t put here to suffer and to be small. If your husband can’t appreciate you and honor the agreements you made, then focus on creating a new and worthwhile future for yourself.

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