Put your fins together
Sharks Tune In for Human Week
All the scares, all the thrills, all week long
Programming guide, excerpted from SeaTV:
For years, you’ve seen them and sometimes, unfortunately, have mistaken them for seals. They are mysterious and menacing, fascinating and funny. We’ll never truly understand these creatures but that doesn’t stop us from trying.
For this year’s Human Week, we’ve gained unparalleled access to the places where these gill-less wonders live, work and play. They may only have one set of teeth but there is a whole lot to learn. Join host Bruce the Shark as SeaTV brings you five days of fin-tastic, fear-mongering programming.
Some highlights:
Monday:
Miami Beach Mayhem — It’s the epicenter for millions of humans every year. What happens when this many thongs and banana hammocks get together? See for yourself as we go undercover to investigate the shocking outcomes of Mojitos, money and moonlight on the inhabitants of Miami Beach. Parental guidance is suggested.
Favorite Human Tricks — Back by popular demand. The human incessantly honking at a red light or blowing on their food as if their spittle is really going to cool off that steaming plate of fajitas. Carrying 30 items through the 15 or less aisle or spending that extra $25 to qualify for free shipping. It’s hard for them to learn new tricks but thankfully the old ones are so darn good.
Tuesday:
From Budweiser to Butts: What Their Trash Can Tell Us — Whether it is the sodden white wrap that humans use to imprison their infants or the aluminum cans with the beverage that makes so many humans pee off the sides of their boats, one thing is for sure. This trash is here to stay. What can we learn about humans other than they suck? Who knows but we’ll give it a go.
Karen vs Chad — Both are equally entitled and equally immune to the world’s judgment. Karen and Chad are running behind and waiting in line for the next available agent to check their bags for the flight to Cabo. Only one apex predator can be the winner.
Wednesday:
Terrifying Tank Encounters — It’s been three years since Jabberjaw braved the beaches in his specially designed Landotank™ and almost became shark fin soup. Now he wants to face his fears and try again. But what begins as a triumphal return to land almost ends in unimaginable horror at the hands of poachers.
Date to Mate — The mating ritual for humans is still a mystery. While females do seem to release some kind of chemical to attract a mate, it is not an immediate invite to the male to bite their skin and insert his clasper into the female’s cloaca. Bummer for them. For the first time, cameras go inside a Camry double-parked outside Joe’s Bar at 2 a.m. to look for answers.
Thursday:
Hidden Camera: Waist Down in Waikiki — What happens in the ocean normally stays in the ocean. Except for today. Get an in-depth look at the grab ass, rump scratching, urinating hijinx that occurs when humans think their lower half is safely hidden from their brethren. You don’t want to see it but you can’t look away.
Bill: Twenty Years Later — It was the movie that started it all. “You’ll never go near a boat again.” Bill and his descendants continue to be the stuff of nightmares but we look at the stats — sharks kill an average of six humans a year, while humans kill 100 million sharks each year — and oh crap, we’re still scared spitless.
Friday:
Feeding Frenzy — There is a peculiar place where humans congregate in their vicious battle for supremacy. It is called Twitter. See how 280 characters in the hands of its most adept users can reduce even the strongest person to a sniveling pile of rubble.
Aquarium Undercover — We’ve infiltrated the Birch Aquarium to establish a new research platform. Will they notice that the new sharks have freaking laser beams attached to their heads? We sure hope not.
Betsy Denson wonders if anyone under the age of 40 will get the Austin Powers reference in the last paragraph.
Thanks, Amy Sea for your laser gaze.
Want more MuddyUm? The answer is yes.
