Aspirational living for the undead

If I Have To Be a Vampire, I Want To Be a Cullen From Twilight

Immortality — and a convertible BMW? Well, twist my arm

So the Twilight movies came to Netflix this summer and I have since binged them multiple times. I don’t know why because I stopped after the first book in the series, and I don’t remember being overwhelmed by the movies when they were released. But this time around? I cannot get enough.

Never mind the fact that Edward watches Bella sleep because he finds it “fascinating” and he messes with the transmission in her car to keep her from a visit to Werewolf Jacob. These Cullens are the vampires you want to be if you absolutely have to become a vampire. Here’s why.

They are rich as hell

Let’s start with the house — a multilevel glass showpiece straight out of Architectural Digest nestled in the woods of Forks, WA — with all the amenities, including a state-of-the-art kitchen they obviously don’t need. For vampires, and humans, I’m guessing that palace goes for a couple mil, at least. Then the cars, MTV Cribs edition, yo: Edward in the silver Volvo — with Porsches, convertible BMWs, and a Mercedez-Benz to round out the stable. Let’s not forget the Ducati 848. Then, there’s their private island off the coast of Rio de Janeiro and the private plane they use to get there. Other vampires in the series may have to wander the earth scrounging in alleys as broke-ass bloodsuckers. But not my Cullens. They are living large.

They are beautiful — and sparkly

Vampires in other tales disintegrate in sunlight. The Cullens shine like diamonds. Everyone is beautiful in the rain too. Did Dr. Cullen only target Caucasian genetic lottery winners for the gift of immortality? The pale, smoldering, finely featured family could have their own spread in Vogue. And they will stay that way — forever. All the vampires in this series, from the dreadlocked Laurent to the Amazonian Zafrina are perfection. Until I saw the crypt keeper Volturi crew I thought that all vampires were models. Just the lucky ones.

They are wholesome as blood drinkers go

The Cullens play by the rules — and they play baseball. The kids also go to high school, sporadically, just like they’ve done 10 times before. Is no one in the front office hip to the fact that the Cullens skip school every time the sun shines to go camping? They host birthday and graduation parties and tackle Jasper every time a human gets a paper cut. Do no harm Doc Cullen only turned those who were about to die anyway. The family doesn't feed on humans. And even when he was a killer, Edward only offed rapists and murderers. They may be immortal but they do have morals. Did you get that in the back Lestat?

They have a big heart — even if it's not beating

Even though most of the Cullens swoon at the smell of human blood like it’s their favorite lotion at The Body Shop, they protect the always imperiled human Bella at all costs. Vampires can be killed but they eschew their own personal safety and security for a girl their brother bound his soul to three months into the spring semester. Actually, they seem to care for all the mortals in Forks, apart from their Werewolf nemeses. And even these two groups come together to protect the town from a horde of newborn Vampires. The Cullens are downright cuddly — that is unless you bleed around Jasper.

They are nature-loving “vegetarians”

Edward and Bella probably spend 50 percent of their time lying in a meadow gazing into each other’s eyes. But the rest of the family enjoys the outdoors too. They have to hunt in the woods, sure, but I’ll bet it’s a rush to be able to jump off mountains and scale tall trees. Their telescopic vision must take bird-watching to a whole new level. When they say they are “vegetarian” it actually means they don’t eat humans. Who knows if they are keeping track of the wildlife population numbers while they put away deer and mountain lions, but nobody’s perfect. Even the Cullens.

Sign me up. We can celebrate on the private island! With a party and lots of gifts. Like my car. Would it be weird if the middle aged Cullen aunt drove a Bugatti?

Betsy Denson, 2021