How to Get More Clap

Sex, Oral Sex, Anal Sex, and Kinky Sex

Now that we have your attention, can we talk about Social Security Reform?

In reviewing my 61 published stories, my most lucrative and successful story was something my wife and I laughed about one morning in bed: what if sex had fouls like in football?

I pulled out my phone, and then we just started recording various “fouls” and laughed. It was far better than my “post-sex analysis.” I transcribed these and added more. My good buddy Dan commented that it was “cruder” than he expected, but funny. Walter Bowne, crude? What?

The first story I wrote, when I was ten, after all, was called “The Turd That Killed the City,” complete with dramatic piano music. I wish I could track that audio version down. Perhaps my Uncle Ron has a copy.

I wondered: Could I pay my mortgage if every essay and story and personal narrative had sex in the headline? Most likely, no, but maybe the gas and electric bill.

So here are 25 possible “sex” stories. Which one should I write first? Which one would you like to read?

Perhaps you can pick a prompt, and write a satire, too.

We should all benefit from sex, right? Why should it just be a gift from God?

1. Listen to Hot Sex on Audio Porn Sites

Listening is the New Viewing: Walk Off the Weight with 10K steps a day!

2. Learning to ‘Cook’ as a Couple — Naked

Who Says Clothes are Required in the Kitchen?

3. High-Res Screens Make Naked Bodies more Tantalizing

What to Consider When Buying a New Computer

4. 10 Sex Fantasies with your Lover

A Better Way to Wash Your Dog

5. Use Biodegradable Condoms when Fornicating

Becoming a Steward of the Environment while in the Park

6. Everyday Gadgets as Sex Toys

Household Chores Made Easy and Sleazy

7. The Best Baseball Ass on Every Team Exposed

Deep in the Pocket with the Baseball Guy

8. Collect Panties and Boxers from World Lovers

Learning to Become a World Citizen

9. Opening Portals for Masturbation

Solving the Issues of Race and Gender in America

10. Women, Sell Your Pubic Hair Online to Make Bank

Unique Ways to Pay for College, Especially for Red Heads

11. Seduction Made Easy

Tired of Paying Those High-Cost Car Repairs?

12. Make Out Like Gangbusters on a Park Bench

It Doesn’t Have to Suck As You Get Old, Folks

13. Test Colors: Paint Each While, Naked

Home Projects That Couples Can Do Together

14. Use Parental Sex on Nanny-Cams as Blackmail

Finally, Get That Needed Attention from Mom and Dad

15. Use the Kiddy Pool for ‘Skinny Dip Saturdays’

A Better Way to Connect with Your Neighbors

16. Sleeping with The Opposition

Bipartisan Efforts Made Easy

17. Zoom Sex with a World Citizen

Learn a New Culture Quick and Easy

18. Translate Spanish Porn into English

Learn a New Language Quick and Sleasy

19. No One Goes Poor with Porn

History Shows Better Ways to Invest

20. The Naked and the Wealthy of Walmart

Retail Giant Plans to Boost Pay to $15

21. Kama Kutra Party Game #3

How You’ll Melt Away 10 Pounds in 10 minutes

22. Teabagging the Tennis Coach

Mother Found Dead After Child Finds Gun in Jacket Sleeve

23. Homemade Porn Made Easy

Turn that Computer Camera into a Goldmine

24. The Sex Lives of Astronauts

How To Survive a Mission to Mars

25. US Citizens Addicted to Porn and Fox News

Russia Pushes New Conspiracy Theories

Ok. So what headline made you chuckle? Which one fell flat? Ok, just one? As a humorist online, and not on stage, right now, it’s hard to tell.

As a classroom teacher, now mostly online, my audience consists of black screens. It’s like I’m a radio DJ. Who knows who’s laughing in the car.

Medium is great because of the interactive feature between readers and writers. Not sure my school jokes, mostly self-deprecating humor about my long, luscious, COVID-locks, are even working.

If you take a prompt, share it with me. I’ll publicize the heck out of it for you. We should all benefit from sex, right?

Thank you for reading! Happy sex! Whatever form, right now, that takes.

For adults with children, or worse, adult children at home, you gotta get creative. Here are some lies you can use. If I used sex in the title, I could have paid, maybe, for the beers this week. Craft beers, of course.