Sex in the Modern Age
If Sex Had Fouls Like in Football
On the Field or on the Shag Carpet, Watch Out for These Fouls
Offensive holding
When your partner is still half-asleep, and the “tender spooning” becomes more of grinding your junk, more annoying than any alarm clock.
Defensive holding
When your partner holds you for much too long, like an hour. This foul can be called on account of “blue balls.”
Clipping
When you move position, and you unintentionally snag and pull a part of their hair between your arm and the bed or pillow or floor or wall. That’s a foul.
When you unintentionally tickle your partner on your way to the “nether regions.”
Hair-cutting partner’s “shaggy mane” while the partner is sleeping.
Digging pointed long toenails into the partner’s body on accident.
Delay of game
When you realize, after commencing with the romance, that you need to take a crap. That’s foul!
When you forget the contraceptive and have trouble finding the “contraceptive of choice.”
Forgetting to set the “timer” for the spermicides.
The “game” on TV has gone into “overtime or extra innings.”
Vomiting. (Actually, game over).
The Weather Station.
Unsportsmen like conduct
Not washing your hands thoroughly with hot soap and water after using the bathroom.
Not having tissues readily available for clean-up.
Caring for only your (usually male) orgasm.
Eating garlic prior to commencing the game.
Not saying “thank you, that was great,” afterward, even if it was just “okay.”
Not turning up the heat in the location of the romantic rendezvous.
Taking off the underwear much too quickly (usually a male foul).
The partner has been up all night breastfeeding and you complain about “your needs.”
You take off your clothes and demand, “What’s it gonna be, babe? Yes or no?”
Commencing with “post-game” analysis immediately after the game.
Talking about your family during lovemaking.
Roughing/rushing the passer or kicker
When you make a move to the breasts or vagina much too quickly.
When the initial kissing begins much too hot and wet and aggressive.
Telling your partner “you got three minutes” before you need to leave.
Knowing the baby will wake up soon, but you try anyway.
A week after a C-section, you ask: “Are you ready to get down and dirty?”
After a day of colonoscopy preparation, your wife asks: “Is tonight a good time?”
Encroachment
Moving closer to your partner in bed or on the sofa or on the shag rug before any signal that the game has started or even desired.
Stepping into the shower with a partner while they’re getting ready for work.
Children entering the stadium.
Mother shows up with “pineapple upside-down cake” as a surprise.
CVS leaving yet another message about your RX ready for pickup.
Your partner encountering a former “ex.”
Offside
When your partner tries to initiate moves from the “wrong” side of the bed or shag carpet.
Sexual advances at the in-laws.
Adult children who now “stay up really late.”
Adult children “always at home.”
Children.
False start
When you start cuddling, and then you need to pee.
When a child knocks on the door or steps into the hallway.
When you think your spouse is home from work, on the agreed-upon date, but he’s out buying frames for his posters.
Beginning: “I’m not sure I’m actually gonna like this.”
Pass interference
Children up too early, to bed too late. Just children in general.
Work email.
Yelling at the news about Trump.
A call from your parent.
Listening to messages on the phone
Smartphone (list too long to include).
Headache.
Complaining at “the liberals” who are out to sap our “precious bodily fluids.”
Colonoscopy preparation.
Heavy menstruation.
No refills on Viagra.
Partner “really” into podcast or book or “Queen’s Gambit.”
Sleeping.
“Can I tell you now that I’ve accepted Jesus as my personal savior?”
Personal foul
Not bathing regularly.
Halitosis.
Not cleaning up the sex-smell from last time in order to “keep the sweet essence of your aroma around.”
Sharp whiskers.
Overgrowth of dingleberries.
Hands that smell like hemorrhoid cream.
Dirty fingernails and “toe cheese”
Whiskers on the partner’s toothbrush.
Reusing the same underwear to save “the environment.”
Face mask
Demanding to have sex in the dark in order “not to see your face.”
Having sex with a cold cream cleanse of various shades on the face.
Unable to kiss lips due to overgrowth of gross Civil War beard.
Illegal use of hands
When one tickles more than caresses.
Touching the nipples much too early.
Not touching the penis at all.
Forgetting the word “clitoris” even exists.
Massaging the feet far too long as a “form of foreplay.”
Flicking a male’s nipple for fun.
Illegal man downfield
When your time is spent too long with your partner’s feet.
When your time is spent too long below your partner’s belly button.
Late hit
When you make a move at eleven o’clock on a weeknight.
When you make a move at 7:45 am and the kids are up at 8 am.
Horse collar tackle
In that moment of ecstasy, you forget you are choking your partner with your arm.
Chop block
When your partner blocks your face from her breasts as it’s “too soon.”
When your partner moves away after you’re touched the “ticklish spot.”
When your partner wants to “penetrate” the opening, and it’s “much too soon.”
“My religion now no longer permits oral sex.”
Too many players on the field:
Children.
Pets.
Partner invites “friend” for some “play” prior to the game.
Smartphone.
TV.
Exhaustion.
“God is always watching.”
Failure to report:
Viagra has been digested, but the wife “hung up at work or in traffic.”
Partner in the bathtub with a new “waterproof” gadget to “get the party started” and you stop for a drink with the boys.
Partner too busy with golf or tennis and forgot about “afternoon delight.”
Partner working on the next degree and under deadline for “term paper.”
Old age.
Grading essays before the semester ends.
Watching Led Zeppelin concerts on YouTube.
Illegal formation
Anal sex tried for the “first time” without consultation and discussion.
Any type of “sex act” not previously tried that may be “outside the realm of normal” for a relationship.
Thinking “You’re married” when your partner is still seeing “other people.”
Illegal forward pass
It’s like early in the relationship, and you’re doing What? Where?
Making a move while visiting in-laws on the downstairs sofa bed.
Making love on your mother and father’s bed.
Engaging in adult-like play while visiting Dutch Wonderland with the kids.
Pedophilia.
Beastiality.
“Turning partner on” to the Truth by talking about Qanon and binge-watching “Hannity.”
Illegal shift/ formation
Your partner cannot keep to one thing for long; keeps changing.
Moves to the “doggy-style” position with a very short penis.
Has read way too much Kama Sutra and doesn’t know what the hell they are doing.
Overjoyed, but smothering, a partner cannot breathe as their face is totally covered.
Intentional grounding
“I’m not in the mood.”
“I just masturbated to your pictures because I didn’t think you’d be into it now.”
“Menstrual cramps.”
Children at home due to COVID-19.
Family and in-laws all throughout the house.
Bad boss.
Hostile “parent emails,” if a teacher.
Teaching.
Unnecessary roughness
Whips and chains.
“Pulp Fiction” just watched for “ideas.”
Handcuffs (unless mutually agreed upon prior to game)
“50 Shades of Gray” (read or watched).
Watching a “Trump Rally Speech” prior to the sexual encounter.
Treating the partner’s body like a “lump of meat” thrown by Stanley Kowalski from “Streetcar.”
Needlessly digging “paws” into sensitive “hip bone-pelvis” area.
Telling your partner he’s “too much of a momma’s boy.”
Telling your partner his “penis is too small” or “breasts are too small” or “butt too big”
Contrasting your partner with previous partners.
Asking partner’s former sex partner to give friend “some pointers” regarding sex.
Buying “The Kama Sutra” as a gift and asking your partner “to mix it up a little, all right?”
Being Stanley Kowalski from “A Streetcar Named Desire.”
Illegal block to the back
When your partner wants to move due to ache or “loss of feeling” in limbs or back and cannot move.
The children open the door to see your naked butt or private parts; PTSD for everyone involved!
Your child “needs a talk” but you can’t “get back” to your partner, waiting in a heated bathroom.
Remembering when your mother or father said a former partner was “out of your league.” PTSD arrives, and sexual dysfunction.
Memories of your mother catching you masturbating into the “slop-sock.” PTSD. Sexual dysfunction.
Memories of naked mom and dad “being in congress” in the living room while coming home early from school. PTSD.
Illegal substitution
Porn Hub.
Dildo/ Vibrator.
Tinder/ Bumble/ Grinder/ Blender/ Mixer/ Juicer/ Christian Mingle.
Fantasies of former “ex” in boxers or black lace.
Partner’s best friend (not dog).
Partner’s brother or sister (or any relative).
Tennis coach or yoga instructor.
“Weight Watcher” instructor.
“Hipster” craft brew bartender.
“New” Facebook friend.
“Old” friend on Facebook.
Smartphone.
Booze.
Netflix/Disney+/Amazon Prime/HBO.
Sports/ESPN.
Untapped App
The Hallmark Channel.
Wall Street job/ Doctor/ Intern/ Teacher.
Politics.
Cable news.
Job.
Parenting.
Indifference/apathy.
Nicholas Sparks novels or movies.
“We’re together just for the kids.”
