PARENTAL DESIRES
Parents Order Italian Takeout for a Romantic Dinner, and Other Lies
Children are awesome, but can be total game killers
- “Mom and dad ordered Italian takeout tonight for dinner. Sometimes adults just need to eat together. So eat your Wegmans frozen pizza and get to bed early.”
2. “You girls have a busy day tomorrow. You need to go to bed early.”
3. “You are a great kid! Watch this Barney video for an hour, ok? Maybe two hours.”
4. “Why don’t you girls go outside and get a game of kickball up with the local kids. Have it go nine innings.”
5. “When the sock is on the door handle, that means mommy and daddy are having a serious discussion and cannot be interrupted unless absolutely necessary, like a fire or an accidental poisoning.”
6. “The air purifier is loud, I know, but it helps keep the dust down in our bedroom, and you know how your dad snores.”
7. “The sleeping bags and blankets are in the minivan, girls, just in case we ever feel the need to camp suddenly underneath the stars.”
8. “Why don’t you like the supermarket daycare? The kids there are so nice, and it’s free, and mom and dad can do some quality ‘shopping’ together.”
9. “Yes, I know it’s weird, but the bathrooms at Longwood Gardens are co-ed and large, and that’s why mom and dad can go in together.”
10. “Mom and dad took off the day together so we can shop for floor tile.”
11. “Mom and dad are curious about this room we’re never been in together, and so we’re going to lock the door and work up some redesign plans. We’ll need some peace. Ok?”
12. “Kids, we’re just taking a walk around the neighborhood. There’s this old shack I spotted the other day that I want to show your mother. We’ll be back as soon as we’re tired.”
13. “Kids, now the treehouse I built is a Grownup Treehouse. Do you understand? Under no circumstances do you climb the ladder. If it’s an emergency, just ring the bell and give us five minutes to respond.”
14. “Mom’s closet is bursting at the seams. I’ll be in there fixing the brackets with her.”
15. “We have a wedding this weekend for my cousin. What cousin? It’s someone you never met.”
16. “How about you guys Binge-watch “Queen’s Gambit” on your laptop? I’ll even drive and get pizza for you. Okay?”
17. “Mom and dad just want to cuddle close together underneath this huge blanket. Is that okay?”
18. “Dad is helping me fix the faucet in the bathroom. Please don’t disturb us. You know how doing handy-man stuff makes your dad nervous.”
19. “You boys play ahead. You know I’m awful at golf. I’ll help mom with her swing.”
20. “We rented an R-rated movie tonight. You guys need to watch something in your room. Please do not come down. What you see may warp you for life!”
21. “Grandma wants to have an overnight with you girls.”
22. “We’re going out to dinner.”
23. “Mom’s coming with me to pick up the pizza by that old place we used to live in the next state. Lots of nostalgia. Be back later in the night.”
24. “I want to show mommy something I bought at the store. They’re gifts. It’s a secret. I bought a lot, so this may take some time.”
25. “We appreciate you wanting to make us breakfast, but the weekend is our time to sleep in. No, eleven o’clock is not too late for grown-ups. We had a busy week.”
26. “Mom is helping me in the attic. Rearrange some furniture.”
27. “It’s been three years since you graduated from college. Don’t you think it’s time to get your own place?”
28. “Wait? You’re going out with your boyfriend on a jog? For how long? Oh, you’ll be two hours. Great. Don’t worry about the keys to the house. We’ll definitely make sure the door is fine in case you come back early.”
29. “Why is there a futon and pillows in the basement, and heater? And a lock on the basement door? That’s a good question. Let’s be honest, since you both have been home from college, and have been quarantined with us for over a year now, it’s really the only place where two adults can let go and have fun. You kids are now adults, right?”
30. “Okay, daughters. You must understand. Most men and women have certain needs and desires. I know you think it’s gross, but how in the hell do you think you guys got here? Yes, mom and dad have a right to orgasms. It’s all part of God’s plan. When you’re with that special someone and you decide to have children, you’ll understand. Now please just drive around together in your quarantine bubble of a car. Here’s $20 for gas. Select a great Spotify playlist and have some quality bonding time. Does that seem fair?”
Thank you for reading! Read more of Walter Bowne in MuddyUm:
