Sex Or Conversation? Which One Do I Miss More?

I’m starting to lean towards conversation

I had a sex addiction after my marriage ended.

I had been living in what was categorised by professionals as a ‘sexless’ marriage for twelve years.

(For those that aren’t aware, any less than twelve times a year is classed as sexless. One year we had sex five times, so we definitely fell into the category).

After my separation, I was like a dying person in the desert desperate for water. My hydration was men.

Men who desired me. Men who wanted to have sex with me.

As a single, relatively attractive woman in my early forties, there was no shortage of supply.

I slept with many men.

A few of them I wasn’t even attracted to, but I was driven by an insatiable need to feel desired and visible. An addiction to numb the pain of my divorce and my feelings of low self-worth.

A quick backstory for context

In the twelve years we were together, my husband never once told me that I was attractive.

I remember one night when I dressed up to the absolute nines for a night out together.

We’d been married for around six years at this time and it was starting to dawn on me that he never showed me any affection or touched me in a way that showed he felt desire for me.

I worked up the courage to ask him over dinner.

‘Do you think that I look pretty tonight?’.

‘Yeah, you look really nice’.

‘Well, why didn’t you tell me’.

‘You know I think you look pretty, I don’t need to tell you’.

‘I’d love it if you told me once in a while, because how do I know? Maybe you don’t think that I look attractive’.

‘Well, now I can’t tell you that you look attractive because you’ll just think that I’m doing it because you told me and you won’t believe me anyway’.

And that was the end of that. He never once said it even after a specific conversation to express my needs.

I understand now why I felt like I had to try and get my needs met somewhere else.

But I digress.

Four years ago I ended a relationship and I’ve been single ever since.

In that time I’ve had a few lovers. Nobody that I’ve connected to emotionally or intellectually, but it fulfilled a physical need that I had.

As time has gone by I’m noticing that it’s no longer about the sex and more about talking to someone in an intimate way.

I really miss conversation. And not just any conversation.

I miss being able to talk freely with people. Being able to not have to watch every little thing that I say in case someone gets offended. This new, woke world we live in seems so dry, boring, and overly sensitive.

I see a lot of people that I follow on YouTube, Medium, and Instagram that are saying courageous and interesting things about people and the world. I’d love to connect with people I can talk to on this level.

Online dating apps are nonsense when it comes to good conversation. I’ve just had five men match with me and then not say a word. The last one said three sentences and has now disappeared.

So, I’ve realised that I’m not going to find what I’m looking for on a dating app. I’m sure if we could get past the first messages there are some interesting personalities out there, but everyone these days seems to have the attention span of a goldfish.

We have fried our receptors and need constant hits of dopamine and novelty. Most people struggle to stay focused on a conversation or profile long enough to get anything off the ground.

I got my hopes up last week. A writer and fellow single parent that I admire reached out and asked me if I wanted to connect and have a conversation. He gave me his phone number without me asking.

I told him I would love to connect as I knew that we had a lot in common from reading his writing and what we each go through as divorced co-parents.

Out of nowhere he cut me off and then ignored me.

I have no idea why. Maybe he read some of my previous posts and came to the conclusion that I’m a complete fuck up.

I mean, I absolutely am, but so is everyone else right?

The last time I looked, Medium wasn’t a dating app, so why do I feel like I’ve been rejected and ghosted on here when I didn’t even approach anyone? Talk about a kick in the teeth.

I guess it comes back to what I’ve been telling myself for awhile now.

You can’t force this shit. You have to get out and live life and let things happen organically.

And somehow not lose hope and become too cynical and jaded about the human race.

I guess the first step is realizing that it’s conversation, connection and friendship that I want now, not sex.

I need to reassess and come up with a new game plan for getting these needs met.

Wish me luck!

If you found this mildly interesting and would like to read more about my trainwreck of a life….