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1984

Abstract

rs later and I’m still here.</p><p id="7952">So now, the big dilemma of sex when you’re single.</p><p id="a727">How does sex fit into your life when you don’t have a partner?</p><p id="cf46">I’m not a nun. I still love sex. I still want to feel sexy. I still want to feel skin-to-skin contact.</p><p id="67d8" type="7">Enter the friend with benefits.</p><p id="ed05">He’s fourteen years younger than me. He trains at a boxing gym. He’s 6'3 and very much my type.</p><p id="407c">We met ten years ago when I first got divorced. I was at a bar with some friends and he had the balls to approach me out of nowhere and strike up a conversation.</p><p id="4d99">I was taken by his youth, looks, and confidence. Of course, I was completely flattered that a much younger man found me attractive.</p><p id="0cfa">We slept together off and on for around two years. Then I fell in love with someone and didn’t see him or speak to him again for six years.</p><p id="013e">When that relationship ended I was single and celibate for around a year when I saw him on a dating app and we started chatting online.</p><p id="4c5f">Our casual physical relationship kicked off again.</p><p id="4552">I’m more self-conscious these days as I’m getting even older. He’s early thirties and I’m late forties now.</p><p id="6a6c">The sex is great, it serves a physical purpose. There is no connection. It’s very different from the sex I had with the man that I truly loved.</p><p id="3935">Some of my girlfriends think that I’m brave to go to bed with such a younger guy and that I must have a lot of confidence.</p><blockquote id="e169"><p>It makes me reflect on how little courage is needed to have sex with someone. And how much courage is needed to <b>love</b> someone.</p></blockquote><p id="89a0">If I met someone now who I actually liked as a prospective partner, I would absolutely run a mile. I am in no way brave enough to throw my heart in the ring again.</p><p id="963a">Sometimes I even wonder if I

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will ever have the courage it takes to go all in on a relationship after how ripped apart I got from my last attempt.</p><blockquote id="09b5"><p>Divorce, breakups, rejection, cheating.</p></blockquote><p id="4e01">They’ve all hit me hard in the last ten years and now all I can do is keep myself emotionally ‘safe’ and have occasional sex with a person who I know will never ask anything more of me.</p><p id="0b28">Maybe one day I will meet another person that I feel is worth the risk of opening up to love again.</p><p id="250a">In the meantime, casual sex is all I have the courage for.</p><p id="0486"><i>If you found this mildly interesting, you may like some of my other musings…</i></p><div id="5d35" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-can-you-connect-to-someone-else-when-the-cord-is-frayed-f4322e3f862e"> <div> <div> <h2>How Can You Connect To Someone Else When The Cord Is Frayed?</h2> <div><h3>I want to escape this self-imposed prison.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*w9rUaDi7dBZhzM6RYU9zxw.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="3985" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/i-had-to-walk-away-from-the-best-sex-of-my-life-3891f564d46b"> <div> <div> <h2>I Had To Walk Away From The Best Sex Of My Life</h2> <div><h3>Three years later and still nothing has come close.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*H1cGePjW8ECDX1azs39Bpg.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Casual Sex is All I Have the Courage For Right Now

True love and intimacy are way too scary

Three and a half years ago I ended my relationship with someone I was still in love with.

I never thought that was possible.

If you’re still in love with someone, why would you leave them?

The answer: Love can be extremely unhealthy.

Some would argue that if the love was unhealthy and toxic, then it wasn’t love, it was infatuation or addiction.

Yes, I’m inclined to agree with that in some ways, but that also fucks with my head a little bit. Because that means that everything I felt was false. How can that be when I know that I felt genuine love and care for this man?

To this day I still miss him and think of him. Even though he has a new partner.

Part of the problem is that I’m still single. So I don’t have anyone else distracting me or taking up that place in my mind and heart that a partner occupies.

Why am I still single?

There are lots of interested men every time I’ve jumped on the online dating roundabout.

I’ve written before about the self-imposed prison that I feel like I’m in right now. Wanting to connect with someone but being too scared to feel anything again.

I thought this feeling would lift after a year or so, but three and a half years later and I’m still here.

So now, the big dilemma of sex when you’re single.

How does sex fit into your life when you don’t have a partner?

I’m not a nun. I still love sex. I still want to feel sexy. I still want to feel skin-to-skin contact.

Enter the friend with benefits.

He’s fourteen years younger than me. He trains at a boxing gym. He’s 6'3 and very much my type.

We met ten years ago when I first got divorced. I was at a bar with some friends and he had the balls to approach me out of nowhere and strike up a conversation.

I was taken by his youth, looks, and confidence. Of course, I was completely flattered that a much younger man found me attractive.

We slept together off and on for around two years. Then I fell in love with someone and didn’t see him or speak to him again for six years.

When that relationship ended I was single and celibate for around a year when I saw him on a dating app and we started chatting online.

Our casual physical relationship kicked off again.

I’m more self-conscious these days as I’m getting even older. He’s early thirties and I’m late forties now.

The sex is great, it serves a physical purpose. There is no connection. It’s very different from the sex I had with the man that I truly loved.

Some of my girlfriends think that I’m brave to go to bed with such a younger guy and that I must have a lot of confidence.

It makes me reflect on how little courage is needed to have sex with someone. And how much courage is needed to love someone.

If I met someone now who I actually liked as a prospective partner, I would absolutely run a mile. I am in no way brave enough to throw my heart in the ring again.

Sometimes I even wonder if I will ever have the courage it takes to go all in on a relationship after how ripped apart I got from my last attempt.

Divorce, breakups, rejection, cheating.

They’ve all hit me hard in the last ten years and now all I can do is keep myself emotionally ‘safe’ and have occasional sex with a person who I know will never ask anything more of me.

Maybe one day I will meet another person that I feel is worth the risk of opening up to love again.

In the meantime, casual sex is all I have the courage for.

If you found this mildly interesting, you may like some of my other musings…