Sex and the City as a Soundtrack to Your Money and Your Relationship

I didn’t know I could get so much out of randomly deciding to binge the show that made Cosmopolitans cool again

I’m experiencing relationship success right now. Assist: Sex and the City.

One of my fondest Manhattan moments came, probably in or around 2013, when I was in the city for work. I was on an Indian vegetarian kick, so I made the trek to the Upper West Side to eat at Ayurveda Cafe. (Great place and they’re not paying me to say this).

Miranda, also known as Cynthia Nixon, was there, eating lunch at an adjacent table. We were face-to-face. She finished before me and left cash on the table. When the server retrieved her bill, he immediately sprinted out to the street after her.

Apparently, Miranda accidentally left a ten-dollar bill, not a twenty. Embarrassed and genuinely apologetic, Cynthia Nixon returned and made it right.

Moments later, I hopped on the subway to my Midtown hotel. Miranda was riding on the same car.

A classic New York City moment. At least for me.

Not necessarily a personal finance lesson, though it’s cool Miranda paid with cash. One of her best Sex and the City friends, Carrie Bradshaw, probably would have put it on a close to maxed-out credit card.

Case in point. Season one, episode five:

Carrie: I’m so broke these days I might take you up on that offer… just to save on rent.

Some random French guy Carrie hooked up with: Writing does not pay well?

Carrie: No, it does. It’s just, I have this little substance abuse problem. Expensive footwear.

From the same episode:

Carrie: But I rationalized that my new shoes… shouldn’t be punished just because I can’t budget.

The classic case of living beyond your means. Of calling a city “expensive” when, while not cheap, it has more to do with your spending than the aggregate cost of living in a particular place.

I’m not saying Manhattan’s cheap. It’s not. However, speaking from the experience of living in and studying America’s highest-priced cities, I know that — outside of rent — you can make everything else fall somewhere between inexpensive and moderately priced.

Cynthia Nixon only needed to leave a twenty on the table because her meal cost $11.95, plus tax and tip. In 2013, it might have even been cheaper. For $20, she had an incredibly tasty, healthy, and high-quality lunch.

On the other hand, Miranda routinely dropped at least five or ten times that on dates with Carrie, Samantha, and Charlotte. They helped give big cities their somewhat inaccurate stereotype of being prohibitively expensive. If you’re making the scene most nights of the week, of course, it’s gonna cost you. It’s all relative. It wouldn’t be cheap to live their New York lifestyle in Pittsburgh. It just happens at a different scale.

So it’s instructive. One of my personal finance pet peeves is uncritical acceptance of the notion that — no two ways about it — the cost to live in a big city is outrageous. Setting rent aside, this is not the case. If you want to live — and live well — in a major city, you have to…

Compromise isn’t a bad word.

It’s just a choice you make in one area to get something you want more in another.

Those Cosmopolitans they drank on Sex and the City. Take it from a bartender. They were shit. Certainly not craft cocktails. Definitely not worth the $18 or so they probably cost. You get more bang for your buck at Ayurveda Cafe or by opting for a bottle of beer at a classic New York dive bar.

And I’d argue the girls would have had better luck with love in a dive bar than at the clubs and exclusive restaurants they frequented. Miranda lucked out when she found Skipper — a sweet, wholesome guy who is also pretty good in bed. But for every Skipper making the high-end rounds in Manhattan, there are dozens of assholes. We saw them — in practically every episode — on Sex in the City.

I mean, for goodness sake, here’s how the writers introduced us to Mr. Big:

SAMANTHA: (Coming up to Carrie) You see that guy? He’s the next Donald Trump except he’s younger and much better looking

Need I say more?

That said, Big showed an early glimpse of his potential to be a good guy:

BIG: So, what have you been doing lately?

CARRIE: You mean, besides going out every night?

BIG: Yeah, I mean what do you do for work?

CARRIE: Well, this is my work, I’m sort of a sexual anthropologist

BIG: You mean like a hooker?

(They both smile)

CARRIE: No, I write a column called Sex and the City. Right now, I’m researching an article about women who have sex like men (Big looks confused) You know, they have sex and then afterwards they feel nothing

BIG: But you’re not like that

CARRIE: Well, aren’t you?

BIG: (Shakes his head) Not a drop, not even half a drop

CARRIE: Wow, what’s wrong with you?

BIG: I get it, you’ve never been in love

Now, if you know what Big became (a complete tool, for the most part) in subsequent episodes and throughout the series, you have to rewire your brain real quick to take this exchange in isolation.

I’m not sure why the girl I’m with and I decided to start watching Sex and the City.

Maybe it was because the forthcoming series reboot came up.

Or maybe just because I’d watch anything on television just to be next to this girl for twenty-seven minutes and fifty-two seconds longer.

Or maybe because I actually enjoy Sex and the City!

Whatever. The point is we like one another a lot. And we have placed emphasis on communicating openly and vulnerably in order to do the work to ensure our relationship stands the test of time. What I didn’t know was the role Sex and the City would play in helping us say to one another things most couples only think.

find myself saying what I should be thinking — Old 97’s, This is the Ballad

Consider the exchange between Big and Carrie.

After it happened, I hit pause on the Roku. I turned to her and said something to the effect of do you see what Big is saying there? It’s what I was trying to say to you the other day.

You can interpret meaning in TV scripts just as you do songs. We will all come to different conclusions. But I read it this way. And, again, take this interpretation in isolation. As if we don’t know what Big became.

In that moment, I saw Big saying what he — if you play standard relationship games — should be thinking.

That he had strong feelings for Carrie the first time he saw her. And, as a result, sex with her would have deep meaning. Watching this short scene play out gave me the words to express what I was feeling.

We agreed we would wait a little while to have sex. That we didn’t want sex to be the cornerstone of the relationship, as is often the case in early, budding romances. Lust doesn’t equal love or longevity. It’s a recipe for something great fizzling out prior to solidifying a proper emotional and intellectual connection (even if the sex is good).

We would “use” sex to strengthen the relationship, not fuel it.

This doesn’t mean sex can’t just be sex — uninhibited, open, free, wild, and fun. It just means there’s a more thoughtful approach. Big helped articulate this for me.

Throughout the first few episodes of season one, we paused the Roku several more times. We touched on topics I never thought I’d freely, fully, and openly discuss — without shame or embarrassment — with another person. From deep relationship stuff to intimacy to actual sexual acts and preferences. I’ve never had more fun (re)watching a television show with another person — and with dual purpose.

It has a lot to do with the company — mostly. But it also has a little to do with the seemingly random decision to fire up HBO Max and decide, together, on Sex and the City (which also, as it turns out, has to do with the company you keep).

I suspect we’ll pause Sex and the City dozens of more times and have more moments like we have experienced — with a beautiful closeness — through the first seven or so episodes of season one.

It’s a television show, so there had to be conflict. Big had to turn into an asshole. He had to date other women when Carrie thought they had something exclusive (in part, because of what he said about having sex while in love and with emotion). Charlotte had to fall for a guy who considered her dislike of oral sex a deal-breaker. The examples — comical and otherwise — are endless.

This is what great television does.

It pushes envelopes amid annoying inconsistencies and, for me, the unrequited desire that Big would have been less like Donald Trump and more like a nice guy.

I wanted him to treat Carrie well, all the time. Not just in fits, starts, and spurts. I liked Big and Carrie better when they were eating cheap Chinese food. When the writers didn’t proliferate and exploit the toxic aspects of upper middle class and outright elite class city life, not to mention the worst we can do with money and in relationships.

In the Sex and the City reboot, I hope the writers address cringe-worthy aspects of the show.

The games of sexual one-upmanship. The idea of using sex as a tool, for power, or as a weapon. The recurring theme that every woman in Manhattan appeared to be on the prowl for a guy with money. And, worst of all, the notion that these men only wanted to find models they could showcase, lavish with fancy gifts, and have meaningless sex with.

I guess the Sex and the City crew will be in their fifties in the reboot.

Honestly, I don’t want to know who they ended up with — or not — romantically (but you know we’re gonna find out anyway).

What I really want to know is how much money — if any — Carrie has saved for retirement. I want to know if, when budget cuts forced the New York Star to drop her column, Carrie turned to Medium and now makes Shannon Ashley-like money. And she socks away five figures each month in savings and investments. She’s financially free!

It doesn’t matter to me if Charlotte finally warmed up to that thing all guys apparently relish. I want to know if she became more comfortable in her own skin because she met someone who supported her and wanted her to be comfortable in her own skin — with him.

I want to know if Miranda gave up the lawyer gig and started a non-profit to alleviate some sort of economic inequity in New York City. And she teamed up to do it with Skipper, a guy with a good heart and understated sex appeal.

I don’t remember how any of the Sex and the City characters’ stories ended so I probably left you confused — and miffed by my ignorance — in the last three paragraphs or so.

I could have done more research for this story to recall how things ended.

Except I’d rather watch the entire series again, pause the Roku a few more times, and interpret what we watched as I look into the eyes of someone who knows how to do the hard work in a relationship.

This article is for informational and entertainment purposes only. It should not be considered Financial or Legal Advice. Not all information will be accurate. Consult a financial professional before making any major financial decisions.