Set Boundaries in a Relationship!
Unfortunately, the concept of boundary setting still has a somewhat negative connotation, anyone who says no more often is quickly labeled as unsympathetic or selfish. But in reality, setting boundaries is an act of love, both towards yourself and others. You can learn how to set clear, healthy, loving boundaries in this blog post.
A border, what is that anyway?
To perceive when our limits are being exceeded, we must first be clear about what the limits are. The easiest thing to recognize is spatial or physical boundaries: no one thinks, for example, of opening the door to the neighbor’s garden, walking through their rose bush, and then sitting on their terrace.
We have more problems when it comes to establishing boundaries in the emotional realm when questions arise such as: What am I willing to do for others? Where am I willing to invest my time and where am I not?
What other people’s behavior suits me and where does my hat burn? Emotional boundaries are not visible and are therefore much more difficult to recognize and communicate.
But those who succeed generally have much more pleasant, healthy, and harmonious relationships.
Setting boundaries is important!
The most common mistake that people encounter time and time again during sessions is the belief that setting one’s limits would change the other person’s behavior.
I must disappoint you: this is complete nonsense that you can forget about right away if you want to continue discussing the issue of setting boundaries.
You never (ever!) set a boundary to control, change, or manipulate another person’s behavior.
The person you set your boundaries with can still behave however they want. They have every right to do so. The only thing your boundary does is change your behavior and your inner world.
Clear boundaries help improve relationships
Example: Your best friend is regularly late for your meetings. You usually wait almost half an hour until she finally arrives, and then you seethe with anger because you feel like she’s not respecting your time.
Now, if you tell him that you don’t want to wait for him for more than fifteen minutes, you’re doing it for yourself. You always have the right to arrive half an hour late.
A limit therefore always leads to personal responsibility and your room for maneuver.
This means that to set good boundaries for yourself, you must first be clear about what you want, what your values are, what is right for you, and what is right for you, then you can lovingly transfer these standards into your life and your relationships.
People-pleasing or controlling
“Everything works for me anyway, I have no problem with the limits” is what I hear surprisingly often from clients who, when I dig a little deeper, have blind spots on the field.
Issues related to our limitations manifest themselves in different ways for each person. Just because someone yells “no” a lot doesn’t mean they understand boundaries.
Although we don’t want to classify anyone, there are four basic types that we can distinguish in most cases:
1. People Pleasure
People pleasers are the people who immediately come to mind when we think of people with boundary issues: they can’t say no, they give of themselves for others, and they do things they don’t want to.
they often don’t do it and they accept behaviors that remind them of the day no, it was good for them. Your life revolves entirely around the well-being of others.
2. The Steuerettis
The Steuerettis say they have no problem saying no and standing up for themselves. “I will not allow anyone to push me beyond my limits,” they say.
However, instead, they manipulate and control those around them to get what they want. The Controletti unequivocally insist on their limits but do not respect those of others.
3. Those who avoid
Instead of drawing boundaries, those who avoid them build walls. We do not build a house where loved ones can come and go with the door open (healthy limit!), but we build from the start a building without doors or windows.
The escapees had been injured so many times in their lives that they decided not to let anyone near them.
4. The non-empathetic
Poorly empathetic people are unconsciously so preoccupied with themselves that they don’t even realize that others also have feelings and needs.
They deny their responsibility in relationships and only hope that the other person will change. You struggle to communicate equally because it’s always the other person’s fault.
So, now comes the climax: who often ends up in a relationship? Of course, two guys who complement each other perfectly. A crowd favorite, for example with checkout.
She insists on spending her free time on weekends as she wishes (after all, it’s her freedom, we can’t restrict it!), and he doesn’t dare say that he would also like to do something with her who It is important to him that she arrives on time for her Sunday appointment (if he says that, she risks getting angry and leaving him…)
Read also: For A Strong Bond: 5 Amazing Ideas to Create an Unbreakable Bond!
Setting limits: our “normal” comes from childhood
How we approach the issue of setting boundaries in our lives has already been determined in our childhood. Because our families of origin teach us whether or not it is acceptable to recognize and communicate our limitations. Regretfully, this wasn’t always the case.
Read other article: 6 Signs That Mean Your Relationship Is Unhealthy
The daughter who always feels responsible for how her mother is doing; the son who was never allowed to close his bedroom door; the girl who learned to scream “no” loudly to get what she wanted; the boy who at one point tricked his brothers to get what he wanted.
We learn all of these patterns and behaviors in our childhood and they often determine our behavior for decades. Until our future partners, colleagues and friends perceive us in the same way again.
This means that to make lasting changes to your relationships and behavior, You need to know in which situations you react and how you react, where your patterns come from, and whether they still apply to you. Only then can you constantly “unlearn” them.
Read more: 5 Tips For Mindfully Letting Go Of Relationships
It takes time and patience. Because what you have lived and embodied for decades cannot simply be thrown away in two days.
You can set and communicate your new boundaries consistently and repeatedly: ten times, twenty times, a hundred and twenty times. Only then will those around you notice that you are setting the tone.
Setting boundaries with love is an act of love
Almost all of us have areas in our lives where setting boundaries works very well. For example, some people can be clear about what they want and don’t want at work.
You can refuse overtime, negotiate higher pay, or put your coworkers in their place.
However, once they return to their family, they are still the ones taking care of the whole house and making sandwiches for the kids at midnight.
Or the opposite: People who can clearly say no in their relationships have a terrible time at work, drop their pen, and break up early.
These patterns are also shaped by our family of origin: some of us are taught that it is important to sacrifice for our family; Others grew up believing that work is the most important thing in life.
No matter which side of the scale you are on, you can change all that today. The best way to do this is to look at areas where it’s easy for you to communicate your boundaries.
Ask yourself: Why is this area so natural to lean into? And then see how you can apply that to other areas of your life.
In my experience, the more we fear consequences, the harder it is to set boundaries. So challenge that fear and ask yourself why the consequences seem so dire and if it’s the truth.
You will see that your relationships will grow with this new clarity over time. Because in the end, it’s much more pleasant, more authentic, and also much more fun if all the people in a relationship (couple, circle of friends, family group) only give what they like to give if they do so voluntarily and not under pressure. and if they are no longer afraid to say no in certain situations.
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