5 Tips On How To Mindfully Let Go Of Relationships

When relationships or friendships come to an end, it can be a painful process. Here are 5 tips on how to let them go with mindfulness and self-compassion.

Relationships — whether friendly or romantic — enrich our everyday lives, and give us joy, comfort, and trust. It can be all the more painful when we have to let go of these relationships.

The reasons for the end of relationships are as varied as the relationships themselves: moving house can make regular contact difficult, irreconcilable differences can repeatedly lead to conflicts, and toxic patterns of behavior can rob us of our energy.

Whether we’re abandoned or have made the decision to leave ourselves, letting go of friendships and relationships can be one of the biggest emotional challenges we go through as human beings. In this article, we will address the question of how we can manage the process mindfully.

Letting go of a part of yourself

Breakups, whether in friendly or romantic relationships, can often seem like an “ambiguous loss,” as described by American psychologist Pauline Boss.

It remains unclear what exactly was lost. Often, it is not only the loss of a person, but also the loss of dreams, emotional support, and an identity that is closely linked to that person.

Interpersonal interactions may have a strong influence on our self-image.

For example, someone in a friendship may take on the role of empathetic counselor(s). When the friendship ends, the loss of this role can lead to an identity conflict and raise the question, “Who am I without this role?” Shared goals and plans, like as going on a trip or establishing a baby, can also crumble.

Whether we’re abandoned or abandoned, a breakup can feel like a part of ourselves is being lost. How we experience this process also has to do with our attachment tendencies.

Retention and Loss

According to the attachment theory of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, early relationship experiences lay the foundation for later interpersonal relationships.

This theory defines four main attachment styles (safe, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized) that influence how people experience intimacy and loss in relationships.

For example, people with an anxious attachment style are often heavily reliant on the affirmation and closeness of their partners and are afraid of losing the relationship, making it difficult to let go.

They may want to remain in an unsatisfactory relationship out of dread of being alone. Similarly, avoidant people often find it difficult to let go, as they have learned to maintain emotional distance and avoid intimacy.

To them, an unfulfilled relationship may seem better than the vulnerability and fear of closeness in a possibly deeper connection. Fortunately, we are not permanently bound to our patterns.

We can detach ourselves from our early imprints by reflecting on them, actively seeking corrective experiences, and practicing letting go.

The process of letting go can be accompanied by a variety of feelings. If we are abandoned, e.g. Emotions such as anger, sadness, loneliness, helplessness, or fear.

But negative emotions can also occur on the other side of the farewell: When you leave a person yourself, you may feel a guilty conscience, remorse, or just loneliness and fear. A mindful approach to one’s feelings and thoughts can help to grieve and accept the loss.

How do I let go mindfully?

The grieving process is very individual. And yet, there are a few things that can help you to mindfully let go.

1. Create clarity

If possible, seek an honest conversation about how the decision came about. Such a conversation can help to make the ambiguous loss more tangible, to understand the perspective of the other person, and to share one’s own experience with the loss.

However, both parties are not always ready for a clarifying discussion. If there is no face-to-face exchange, it can help to record your thoughts in a journal or write a letter.

Whether you want to send it is entirely up to you. If you decide to do so, remember that it should not be about hoping that the letter will actually be read or even answered, but rather for your closure.

2. Find comfort through gratitude

Relationships are not always straightforward. They can also go through different phases of closeness and distance, or they can only be suitable for a certain phase of life.

Instead of desperately holding on to it, we can practice appreciation for the fact that this person has accompanied a part of our lives. What are you thankful for when you look back? What positive memories do you have of your time together? What may you have learned from this relationship — about yourself or about how you want to shape interpersonal relationships in the future? If it feels right, you can also share these thoughts with the other person (as long as they are also open to receiving what is shared).

3. Practice self-compassion

Letting go is a continuous process. It is normal for feelings such as sadness, anger, and confusion to arise even after the decision to break up has been made. During this time, it is important to be there for yourself. Psychologist Kristin Neff identifies three key components of self-compassion: mindfulness, kindness with oneself, and connectedness with all people.

Mindfulness not only helps you to perceive your thoughts and feelings in a non-judgmental way but also to recognize more consciously whether distraction or confrontation is good for you.

You don’t have to dwell in mourning around the clock. In some moments, it can be helpful and healing to distract yourself, look forward, and allow yourself lightness in life. Psychologists refer to “dosed grief” here — you decide whether you have the capacity for the grieving process or not.

If you notice that other issues are more important right now, you can tell the feeling internally, “Thank you, I notice you. I’ll give you my attention later.”

Being kind to yourself means being loving and accepting of yourself, much like you would with someone close to you. Think about how you would provide comfort and encouragement if a close friend was going through a similar situation.

You are not alone in your struggle to let go. Grief and change are an essential part of life that all people have to face sooner or later. This realization and also the exchange with a close person can help you to feel a certain connection with all people.

4. Say goodbye to the possible future

In many cases, letting go means not only saying goodbye to the past but also to a possible future, as Natasha Lunn describes in her book “Conversations on Love”. Take time to say goodbye to the dreams and plans you had with the other person.

Think about what needs are hidden behind these dreams or what you like about yourself in this vision of the future. With such a reflection, you can also get closer to the question of who you want to be without the other person and how you want to create an alternative future for yourself.

5. Activate your resources

Lean on resources that give you support. Are there certain routines or activities that are good for you — whether it’s a morning walk, an after-work workout, or relaxation? What other relationships would you like to strengthen in your life? Notice which resources support you in letting go and give you strength during this time.

There is no timeline for processing a breakup. Sometimes the pain is more intense, sometimes we can look at the situation from a distance. Whatever the process looks like for you, look at it with benevolence and remind yourself that letting go can also be an opportunity to get to know yourself and your needs better.

you may like too:

(10 Important Relationship Tips)

(Do These Things to Improve Your Relationship Communication)

(6 Signs That Your Relationship Is Dying)

(Improving Relationships: 7 Ways to Keep Your Partnership Alive)

Sources: 7mind