RELIVING THE EIGHTIES | FICTION

Secret Diary, March 30th 1984— Sally’s Entry

Ooh those catty girls

Dear Diary,

That Kristine went and left her secret diary in the girls toilets today and I managed to have a read.

I hope she doesn’t have one of those pretend detective sets that everyone’s into at the moment — the ones with the special powder that you can use to detect fingerprints.

OTHERWISE, SHE WILL FIND ME OUT!!!

I got one of those sets for my birthday from my aunt but my brother tried snorting the powder and then sneezed so hard that it went everywhere. He said it’s what we have to do to practice being American, because it’s in all the movies. But I didn’t notice anyone snorting any powders in E.T. or Flashdance. I don’t know what he’s been watching!

I think he thinks it’s cool but I am dead sure he would never be acting so stupid if we were still home in England.

He’s such a NERD!

I have no idea what KiKi sees in him. I mean, she doesn’t even think I know that she has a crush on him but it’s kind of obvious. She gets this full-on blank-look staring-into-space thing happen every time he walks into the room, and she doesn’t hear a word I say.

It’s like her brain turns to mush. Ewww — my best friend and my brother! Double ewwww

He is a dumbass! Hahahaha! That’s such a good American word!

My friends have all been teaching me to speak American and I have been teaching them some British English. Dumbass is my favourite word so far.

They say I can’t spell properly but it’s them who can’t spell properly. Gaurav won’t stop going on about it so I showed him that I always got ‘A’s in all my written work back home and that shut him up.

Dumbass!

Anyway, back to Kristine’s diary

— she can be sooooo catty behind people’s backs. She was being proper mean about Ki, even though Ki had been reeaally nice and invited them to sit with us at the cinema when we all went to see Splash.

She was mean about Preeti, who would never think bad thoughts of anyone. She was even rude about Smillew and then she went and snogged him at the school dance.

They say “making out” here. Snogging is so much better!

Poor Preeti was soooooo upset but we are trying to distract her by setting her up with Reuben. He doesn’t know yet, but Ki and I think they would be a really good match!

I think Kristine was jealous because he seemed to like Preeti quite a lot and she obviously thinks that she is better than everyone else. Smillew is the coolest of the boys so she can’t be letting anyone else get in with him now, can she?

But she said in her diary that Smillew has low standards! YEAH TOO RIGHT, PRISTINE KRISTINE!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oops, cross my legs and squeeze…..

Talking of the dance…

I’ve had some real sore issues going on in my privates since then.

I made KiKi laugh like a lunatic by doing my poshest Queen’s English accent and she peed herself. Which then made me laugh so much I peed myself. She said something weird about squishing it into your pants but she didn’t realise that I was wearing the silk undies that I blagged my granny for when she tried to buy me horrible big frilly numbers like she wears.

I heard this great interview with Cyndi Lauper in which she said she always wears silk undies to dance in because it keeps her cool. So I thought I would wear mine, as it was a dance.

She didn’t mention what happens if you pee yourself in them….

Silk. Does. Not. Absorb. Much. Pee.

OUCH!!!

Anyway, I tried to make an appointment at the doctors but there was only a male doctor available — Dr. Burg — the one Gaurav went to see about his balls after the softball incident. Apparently, he’s an expert in balls but I wasn’t sure about seeing a male doctor about my girl parts, so I am still walking with my legs apart.

Oooooooh! I nearly forgot to say….

Bicho recently started learning to play bass guitar. I think he and Smillew have secretly formed a band because I passed by one of the music rooms recently and overheard someone playing bass and someone else singing Love Cats by the Cure.

BUT really badly.

I swear the voice sounded like Smillew’s, but don’t tell him I said that.

Poor Bernice was trying to practice the piano next door to them and it was really putting her off.

It didn’t help that someone was playing Three Blind Mice on the recorder in one of the other music rooms. Really badly too!

I don’t know who that was 🤔

Talking of which, my brother seems to be moving on from New Order and is getting really into The Cure. He’s turning a bit gothy and is getting a real attitude.

He keeps telling me that Wham are pants! He thinks Duran Duran are a bit pantsy too, though not quite as much.

I don’t know if I should tell KiKi that. She might get a bit confused about whether or not to give up her dream of marrying Nick Rhodes, and I don’t want her to stop liking the music I like just because of a stupid boy who snorts powder out of toy detective sets.

I think I will teach her the very good British English phrase “Bollocks to that” so she can say that to my brother next time he makes some comment about the music we like.

Saying that, I do actually quite like Love Cats by The Cure. Just, not sung really badly to a beginner’s bass guitar chords.

I hope no one reads this. Maybe I need to replace that powder as quick as poss.

This is entirely fictional. Sally has never lived in the USA and doesn’t have a brother. She does, however, like The Cure these days, though she definitely wasn’t cool enough to be into them in the eighties.

This diary entry may have some relation to the following real people in an extremely loose sense of the word. KiKi Walter, Kristine Laco, Kristen Stark, Preeti Ramachandran, Smillew Rahcuef, Michael Burg, MD (AKA Medium Michael Burg), Gaurav Jain, BichoDoMato, Reuben Salsa, Bernice Puzon,

Here’s where it all started…

Read more 1984 Diary Entries here.

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