“FICTION”

The Real Story March 18th, 1984

As told by me

Dear Diary,

That Kristina is really pissing me off! First, she keeps following me and hanging on like she’s a friend or something. She sidled up behind Kristen and me last night at the movies and started talking about Kristine this, Kristen that, and Kristina whatever.

GROSS!

But then she announced she wanted to call herself Kiki so nobody would confuse her with me and Kristen.

Like anyone would! Take a chill pill, whatever your name is.

Kiki was my grandmother’s dog’s name and now she is DEAD, right? If anyone should be Kiki, it should be me. But guess what, Diary? I don’t want that stupid name so she can have it!

It’s a dog’s name for flip’s sake!

Now no one will ever call me Kristina by accident again.

Bonus!

Just kidding. Like THAT would ever happen. Kiki. Fuck!

She was telling me about Sally’s brother and how she’s got a major crush.

Oh. My. Gawd.

Kikimomiki actually thinks she has a chance. She’d have better luck with Smillew. He’s got low standards.

“Girls rule, boys drool,” said Kristen.

And that’s why she is the best member of the debate team! Well said, Kristen.

Gold star!!

Kristin — Kiki — asked me about Gaurav’s balls. Like, what is she on?

GRODY!

I don’t think about his balls. Like, ever.

I like her friends Bicho and Preeti though. I felt bad when he fell through the seat and everyone else with him laughed except Preeti. They call themselves friends! I’d debate that, but it would be no contest.

Susan was the only one of her crowd smart enough not to be seen with them. Good call Susan.

Die Laughing!!!!!

The movie was funny and I laughed until I started crying but that’s okay, cuz my eyes get super green when I cry and people like me better that way.

I saw Ade checking me out as we were leaving. What’s her deal????

Whats-her-face told me she had a crush on Tom Hanks after the show.

Get bent, Kiwi!! Aim lower.

Anyway, toodles ‘til next time.

Preeti Ramachandran Gaurav Jain Sally Prag Smillew Rahcuef BichoDoMato Kristen Stark Susan McCorkindale KiKi Walter Adelina Vasile

If you want to read the fake news that made me share my most personalest story, be my guest.