bottom is tops! or something
Science: Over-the-Top Is Stupid
Forget what mother told you
If you use a squatty potty you can stop reading right now. You have no need of toilet paper. You can just use your bare hand with little fear of besmirchment. This article is for the rest of us.
In the picture below, note the toilet paper roll hung according to the received wisdom of countless mothers, wives, and other assorted wisdom dispensers. You know who I mean — those who dispense their so-called wisdom as if it were Pez®.
I’m here to tell you, they are full of it. Full of what? you ask. Never mind. It.
Gather round while your old buddy BOF dispenses the goods from his special Pez dispenser of real wisdom. The one with the Bill-Nye-the-Science-Guy flip top.
Note the arrows and italicized letters. That’s how you know you will soon be battered about the head and shoulders with science as opposed to bulldinky from your mothers and wives. Ignore the partial toilet brush and toilet bowl. They’re probably icky anyway.
Ahem. In the above scenario you are pulling the paper off the roll in the direction of the black arrow, which is labeled t for tension. Why tension? Pulling on the paper creates tension. Not between you and your various family members, so don’t try to blame that on me. I’m talking about the tension in the paper.
Still with me? Good. Head hurt yet? No? Read on.
This tension will result in a normal force in the direction of the red arrow labeled n as in normal. Normal forces occur quite normally all over the known universe so they’re pretty normal, but that’s not why they’re called normal forces. “Normal” refers to the fact that they force force at a 90° angle to the original forcey force. If you had to sweat through enough math courses you know that “normal” means “at 90 degrees.” If not, don’t sweat it. It isn’t important.
May the force be with you.
This normal force pushes the roll against the wall, causing a reaction force in the direction of the red arrow labeled r which in turn results in increased frictional force fr which increases tension t, meaning the force is against you. This may result in premature breakage of the paper, meaning you won’t have enough, which increases the probability¹ that your fingers will break through during use. You don’t need to know anything about math to understand how unpleasant that would be.
Now check this picture out:
In this case we are using the scientifically sound method of installing toilet paper. As you can see, the normal force is now directed away from the wall, resulting in reduced friction. The force is with you, meaning less worry about experiencing breakthrough during use. Breakthrough may be a wonderful thing in the world of business, but in the world of butt wiping it’s disgusting.
Proper installation of toilet paper is especially important if you hang your roll the way I do, that is, as in the illustration above. If it were over-the-top you’d be lucky to get even one square. Yech!
Final note: If you hang your roll as illustrated below, the paper will spin off uncontrollably, resulting in waste. Shame on you! If you have small children they will notice this right away and spin off fantastic quantities just for fun, then try to wind it back on so they don’t get in trouble. Why cause them needless anxiety? Do you want them to grow up to be serial killers?
Special thanks to Andrew Rodwin.
¹ a fancy math word meaning “likelihood.”
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