CAPTAIN OBVIOUS TO THE RESCUE

How to Use a Sponge

Is there any way to not know this?

My wife bought this “Magic Sponge” recently. When I looked at the package I had to wonder:

Does anybody know how to do anything any more?

As a pondered this mystery I remembered something. We humans are not born knowing very much. How to use a sponge is not critical to infant survival like the sucking reflex. Baby spiders grow up to build complex webs without any instruction from mom. The females, anyway. Males are stupid but we knew that. Male spiders live for one good fuck then become dinner.

If you had enough adult input in your life to know how to read, certainly someone would have shown you how to use a sponge, unless you were raised by wolves. But they would not have taught you to read, so what good is having this on the label? Think about it.

Condition one: raised by wolves You would not know how to use a sponge or read. Conclusion: No need to include instructions on label.

Condition two: Raised by humans Your parents would have taught you to use a sponge or whatever your culture had instead of sponges. Conclusion: No need to include instructions on label.

My daughter’s middle school bestie told me and my wife, in all seriousness, that she had been raised by wolves. I asked my daughter about this some time after they were no longer friends. Her response was something like, “Yeah, she was pretty weird.”

I wonder: Did she know how to use a sponge? I don’t recall her spilling anything when she was at our house.

Human children have to be told even the most obvious things. If you are a parent you know this. For example, “Child of mine, take heed. This is called a bobby pin. This is called an electrical outlet. Do not stick a bobby pin into an electrical outlet.”

I was one of those experimental kids. My parents did not impart this wisdom to me at a young enough age. It is one of my earliest memories: Looking at that bobby pin, then at that electrical outlet, then back at the bobby pin, then thinking what a perfect fit they would make if I opened the bobby pin up a little bit.

Wailing as the lights went out and I got a nasty-ass burn. My mom hugging me and instructing me in the mysteries of bobby pins and electrical outlets. She could have saved her breath. I’d painfully plumbed these mysteries on my own.

Thanks mom.

But sponges. They don’t fit into electrical outlets, so parents everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief, unless they are wolves. If you see a child wetting a sponge by chewing on it, call child protective services immediately. That child is being raised by wolves.

You would think if the sponge was “magic” as the packaging claims it would wet itself. You should not have to be bothered holding it under the tap or chewing on it. But what do I know? I’m a mere human of the male persuasion. You know how we are.

Special thanks to Toni Crowe for her astute editing.

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