FEAR AND TREMBLING

Handeled

This year’s dyspeptic rant concerning Handel’s Messiah

The audience is always right

As December begins, community choirs all over the country, maybe the world even, put the finishing touches on their upcoming performances of Handel’s famous oratorio, Messiah, composed in 1741. Unless you live under a rock you are familiar with this masterpiece, in particular the Hallelujah chorus, which has been in about a gazillion Christmas specials and movies. The first few bars, anyway.

Which is weird because that particular chorus was intended for Easter. The Christmas portion, also known as Part 1, of H’s Messiah ends with a little ditty called His Yoke Is Easy, but this inconvenient musicological truth doesn’t stop every community choir director in the world from tacking the Hallelujah chorus onto the end of the Part 1. They all know how tasteless this is, but audiences demand it. That way as soon as they hear the orchestra take off with the opening bars they can stand, setting off a cacophony of rattling folding chairs, creaking church pews, or what have you.

The stupid tradition of standing for the Hallelujah chorus honors the misinformation that the king of England stood up for the H chorus at the premiere. Sorry to burst your bubble, audiences, but the premier was in Dublin and the K of E, not being especially welcome in Ireland, wasn’t even there. When he finally got around to attending it he sat on his royal ass the whole time.¹ Even if the royal derriere rose as legend has it that still leaves the question of why American audiences should get off theirs just because the king of a foreign country did so hundreds of years ago.

By now you probably think I hate Handel’s Messiah. Nothing could be further from the truth. My violinist friend Z hates it, and will gladly enumerate the reasons she thinks it’s a lousy piece. Despite her dislike she has it memorized, the result of years of about five performances every season, which is probably how she came to hate it.

Unlike Z, I adore the Messiah, much as the performance traditions that crowd it like kudzu bug me. The most beautiful choruses in the whole oratorio, many even in the whole universe, come between His Yoke Is Easy and Hallelujah. For example, Surely He Hath Born Our Griefs. Being part of that one is better than sex.

If I hated it would I have volunteered to participate in a Spanish language performance? The Spanish translation scans quite well.

In case you did not know Messiah was originally written in English not German as you might expect, Handel being German. When he wrote it he was an expat living in England. The local bloke he engaged to write the libretto turned out to be an insufferable egotist who thought his wonderful libretto diminished by GFH’s music. He was right too. The world has completely forgotten the composer and remembered the librettist. You know who I’m talking about right? The famous What’s-His-Name?

Looming disaster

Last night was the first of three — count ’em, three — rehearsals. I don’t mind telling you, things don’t look good. Ten singers showed up. We were admonished to bring proof of vaccination but the director didn’t check. My guess is he looked at the turn-out and decided he’d go with trust.

Three altos, three sopranos, three basses and one tenor. I offered to sing tenor, pointing out that I know the tenor part pretty well, but the director wanted a solid bottom. What’s a bottom without a middle?

The performance will take place in the Cathedral of Saints Peter and Paul in Providence, a church so fucking huge we might as well be performing in a football stadium.

Add to this the fact that we will be performing wearing face masks. Can you guess why?

Our director promised us ten more singers by next week but I know how these things go. If five more show up it will be a minor Christmas miracle. We are doomed, our brave little band, to walk into that cavernous space in two week’s time and attempt to make our masked voices heard above the orchestra. Maybe Santa will bring us a sound system.

¹ In case you are wondering I pulled this information straight out of my posterior. It’s been years since I fact checked this shit. If you find out something different and are now preparing to call me out in a response, fuck you.