Saying “I know how you feel” Isn’t Always Helpful

Are you using empathy to help others or to tell your story?

Table of Contents − What is empathy? − Where is it located? − Are you really being helpful? − How to show that you care − Summary/ Conclusion

What is empathy?

Empathy is broadly defined as the ability to understand and feel the emotions of another. It has become a buzzword that people use to describe different phenomena of consciousness, but for the purposes of this article I’ll be using the term with its broad definition in mind.

In part 1, I explained how the term “Wounded Healer” came to be, and what it looks like in real life. Also, David Stockar recently wrote about how we can distinguish between empathy and sympathy.

A Wounded Healer is usually a person with increased empathy and compassion for others. However, not all empathetic people are Wounded Healers. This means that, at least in the clinical sense, people don’t have to have experienced trauma in order to develop empathy. Moreover, people with empathy don’t necessarily use it to help others.

A common example is psychopathy, in which people understand the emotions of others but use their ability to manipulate or harm them.

Overall, empathy is an adaptive mechanism that helps humans in their social interactions (source). Due to its popularity in recent times, the meaning of empathy has gone through several distortions. Empathy does not mean “merging with another”. It also does not mean that the empathetic person has to suffer as much as another.

Where is it located?

Empathy starts in a special set of neurons, called mirror neurons. Those neurons help our brain perceive the actions and emotions of others as if we’re the ones doing or feeling them.

Some people are born with a low amount of mirror neurons, and others are born with hyperactive mirror neurons.

Mirror neurons are useful for our lives since day 1, because that’s how we make sense of the world and adapt our reactions based on what others are showing us.

Due to that, infants which do not receive adequate care and interactions, tend to have lower functioning mirror neurons. However, there are also theories which posit that, depending on the genetic predispositions (personality), the infant may choose to increase the effort of its mirror neurons. In psychoanalytic terms, this would be understood as a desperate act of the child to connect, even just a bit, to its caregiver who is not emotionally nurturing.

Are you really being helpful?

Many people exhibit pseudo-empathy. Those people are usually deep into codependency (see Pamela Oglesby’s article to learn more about codependency), or are too far into their trauma to understand that they’re the adult version of that desperate child mentioned above (source).

In cases of pseudo-empathy, the person is trying really hard to show that they understand others. However, they don’t really know how to listen to others without feeling the need to share their own story in order to show that they can relate.

The more they engage in such behaviors, the more they feel an internal sense of reward because their brain interprets their actions as being “helpful”. This, in turn, makes them repeat the behavior because they feel good.

Overall, empathy is supposed to make us feel good so that we will want to keep practicing it. Therefore, the benefits of empathy for our well-being don’t arise from empathy itself, but through our ego-centered interpretation that we’re being awesome humans who help others so we’re worthy of a reward (source).

People with pseudo-empathy have a harder time differentiating between their internal sense of reward and their overall self-worth. As a result, they will engage more in behaviors that will allow them to show that they care.

Another way that pseudo-empathy manifests itself is through empathic dissonance (source). Empathic dissonance occurs when people spend many hours during their day pretending that they care, usually because of their profession.

It’s commonly seen in medical professions where doctors and nurses feel obliged to make facial expressions that show care, even if they don’t really feel it (source). This does not mean that they are not empathetic (well, some of them aren’t but that’s another issue). On the contrary, it means that they feel the need to try very hard to show their empathy in order to make the patients feel understood.

That’s also common in the mental health field. There are some patients who, due to their condition, doubt the empathy they’re receiving from the therapists. As a result, the therapists might feel that they need to pretend to have a ridiculous amount of empathy thus getting empathic dissonance. Something similar could also affect those who work in retail, for example.

In such cases, empathic dissonance makes the person feel bad because they will begin to doubt if they really care about others, or will start having thoughts that maybe they’re not good enough.

“To be with another in this [empathic] way means that for the time being, you lay aside your own views and values in order to enter another’s world without prejudice.

In some sense it means that you lay aside your self; this can only be done by persons who are secure enough in themselves that they know they will not get lost in what may turn out to be the strange or bizarre world of the other, and that they can comfortably return to their own world when they wish.

Perhaps this description makes clear that being empathic is a complex, demanding, and strong — yet subtle and gentle — way of being.” ― Carl R. Rogers

How to show that you care

Most people will usually say things like “I know how you feel”. That’s generally okay. It’s important though to stay mindful of any preconceived notions of what the other person should be feeling.

When we want to show our empathy, we might often try to say that we’ve been in a similar situation. Sometimes that’s helpful, but other times it’s not. The best way to go about it is to simply say things like:

• I can see that you’re upset/hurting/sad
• I understand why you would feel … (insert emotion)
• How can I best help you right now?
• It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it
• As I listen to your story, it makes me feel… (insert emotion)

These phrases are just examples. It’s always better to use phrases that resonate with who you are. Overall, the “rule” is that you should allow enough space for the other person to feel heard. If you want to share something similar that happened to you, make sure that the other person wants to hear it and keep it short. Don’t make it about you.

Empathy is the most effective when you can recognize the emotions of another and validate them, and then give enough time for the person to talk or just stay with them in silence if that’s what they prefer.

Empathy can also be shown through facial expressions, eye contact, and physical proximity. In case you’re not feeling comfortable with those aspects, it’s okay to let the other person know.

For example, I don’t really like hugging others (except 1–2 people that I know well and I’m comfortable with). When a person is sharing something painful with me (outside of therapy), I show my empathy through active listening (listening to understand, not to respond), eye contact, and facial expressions. There have been times when I had to say something like “Hugs make me feel uncomfortable, but I can hold your hand if you want”.

In that way, I don’t pressure myself to overstep any of my boundaries in order to help someone. Also, it’s good to always give an alternative (e.g. “I don’t feel comfortable doing…., but I can do….”).

When a therapist shares something personal with a patient, it’s called self-disclosure. Even though it may sound like a good thing, it can actually be rather harmful. As a therapist, I demonstrate my empathy through my voice, eye contact, and my facial expressions. Active listening also helps.

My personal experiences allow me to have greater empathy and to understand what others are going through. Even for things I have not experienced, connecting through empathy allows me to feel what the person is feeling without letting it affect me.

Just like with self-disclosure, people who make it all about them (e.g. through pseudo-empathy) are potentially doing so because they either don’t know how to relate to others, or are afraid of the emotions.

When we can’t handle something on an emotional level, we divert the attention unconsciously. Therefore, if a person has gone through trauma and/or is feeling already emotionally overwhelmed, they don’t have the emotional capacity to listen to another person’s painful story. But, if they really want to (due to the sense of the reward), they will put themselves first. By not allowing enough space for the other person to share what they feel, they are securing themselves against an overload of emotions.

They’re essentially hitting two birds with one stone. They get the internal reward (through pseudo-empathy), and they get to share a bit of their pain.

If you have ever had to deal with such people, it’s helpful to point it out. For instance, when they start over-sharing about them instead of listening to you, you can gently bring their attention to it. It’s possible that they don’t realize that they’re not helping you that way, and it might help them to see what they need to change.

Summary/ Conclusion

• Empathy allows us to connect with others in ways that are beneficial for us.
• Not everyone knows how to show their empathy.
• We might need to reconsider how we demonstrate our empathy, and adjust it according to the situation.
• Having boundaries while using your empathy is healthy.
• If you’re not feeling heard, it’s okay to say it.

I wanted to share more about what does it mean when someone irritates us and how that connects to empathy, and how sometimes empathy can be distorted into actual (psychosomatic) pain. I think I’ll do it in another article, because this one is already long enough.

Thank you for reading!

(You can now read part 3 here)