Humor and Satire

Let Us Show You How Much We Care By GivingYou $5 Off Every $100 Pizza Order!

We observe social distancing so you don’t have to

Here at Ingannamorte Pizza, we realize that times are hard for everyone. We recognize that money is tight with many people who either now work from home for much less money than they normally earn or have lost their jobs entirely and don’t know how they will support their families. We want to help. Your friends at Ingannamorte won’t act like other restaurants who are selfishly raising prices because they know they have a captive delivery customer base.

When it’s too dangerous to go out and every time you step foot outside your home you literally endanger your life, let us take the risk for you. Our food is prepared and delivered by reliable workers who have tested negative for the coronavirus. They will lovingly create your dishes to be not only delicious but guaranteed safe. You don’t want to take the chance of catching something from food you order when you have remained inside as instructed for over a month now.

Other pizza delivery places will never make this claim. That’s because they can’t. Ingannamorte is the only restaurant in the city that requires their employees to get tested before they can work for us. This has cut our work force down to four people but it’s worth it to make sure your food carries no risk of infecting you and making you ill. In fact, if you become ill you can safely assume that it is because of e coli, listeria, or salmonella, not the coronavirus! No one else in the whole metro area can say that.

To help our customers during these trying times, we have created a new discount program. You have gotten used to our incredible offer before with our 25 percent discount when you spent $50 or more. Now we’ve gone the extra mile for our customers by giving you an even larger discount and encouraging new friendships or strengthening old ones along the way.

Now with an order of $100 or more (excluding tax, tip* delivery fee** and preparation fee***) we’ll give you a full $5 off! Order pizza for you and all of your friends and save money in the process. You can be the hit of your apartment complex by treating everyone to dinner. Go ahead, invite everyone you know. Only you will know how little you paid!

Download our convenient app for free and use it to order whenever you’d like ($5 fee if you order online. No phone or other types of orders will be taken). With our app at your fingertips, you’ll have no reason to order from anywhere else. We’ll bring the pizza hot and fresh right to your door.****

Just imagine, if you live outside the one block radius, for a $100 meal you’ll pay $100 + $5 ordering fee + $11.75 tax + $20 delivery fee + $10 preparation fee — $5 discount. So, instead of paying $151.75, you’ll only pay $141.75! If you are one of the lucky ones that lives within a one block radius, you’ll only pay $131.75! It doesn’t get any cheaper than that!

We’re sure you always appreciate our fast and reliable service. We intend to continue providing the fastest delivery possible, the reliable orders and high quality food we are known for.*****

Don’t be gouged by conscienceless restaurant owners who want to take the little money you have by escalating their prices to take advantage of a world health crisis. Order from where we care about you and your wellbeing, where we’ll never raise prices just because we know we can.******

Thanks for ordering from Ingannamorte Pizza. We’ll always be there for you, shouldering our responsibility by giving back to the community when it’s in a bind, and we’ll never take advantage of you, our loyal customer.

Remember, stay safe, stay inside, order in — from your friends at Ingannamorte Pizza!

*During this time when you have so much stress in your life and so much on your mind, we want to help simplify things for you. To do this, we have added an automatic 25 percent tip onto your bill. Don’t worry about calculating 18 percent of $178.93. We’ll calculate the tip for you! Feel free to add more for your driver if you’d like or if you didn’t see this before ordering. Another 15 percent is never required but always appreciated.

**While we have always delivered for free, due to the financial difficulties created by the coronavirus for our delivery people we have instituted what we believe to be a reasonable delivery fee. If you live within a one block radius of the store, pay only $10 for piping hot pizza. If you live outside the 1 delivery radius, delivery is only $20 (pizza may not be so piping hot, but we’ll get it there).

***We charge a minimal $10 preparation fee to cover our increased costs for masks, and extra gloves, soap, and hand sanitizer.

****Our delivery people are only permitted to leave food at least 25 feet away from your door though we encourage them to leave it further away, ideally where there are no houses, apartments or other inhabited buildings to increase their safety.

While the guidelines for social distancing may recommend six feet, we care about our employees like we care about you. To decrease their risk of becoming ill, we have therefore appropriately increased the distance to 25 feet or preferably more.

If you don’t see your delivery, check your yard or your neighbors yard, down the street or the nearest field before calling to complain. We can’t guarantee we will answer if you do call but you can always give it a try. Actually it’s a sure bet that we won’t answer as we only have two people working at a time to maintain safety and follow social distancing guidelines for restaurant workers.

***** You may have noticed somewhat higher prices on our menu. This has nothing at all to do with inflating our prices because of the crisis when we know you will want to have your food delivered instead of going out. We were forced to raise our prices because our suppliers have raised theirs.

We have also had to pay our employees more to work during the pandemic when they, too, would prefer to be at home waiting for dinner to arrive. Also, given there are only four of them with two needed to work at a time, they must work longer hours to keep the restaurant open and overtime’s a bitch. Because of these issues we have raised our prices a tiny 10 percent and for prices that aren’t whole numbers we have just rounded them up to the next dollar.

So for example, our signature salad which used to be $8.25 was raised 10 percent to $9.08. But in our quest to keep your life as simple as possible we then rounded it to the next dollar making it an even $10. You’ll never even notice the difference! It’s just one more way to show you we care.

****** With only one employee cooking and one delivering your meal, it will take a little longer to arrive. Rest assured that your food will be delivered within four hours of placing your online order, guaranteed. But it could take longer than that if we are busy, or our delivery boy gets lost — both of them just got their licenses and they are still learning the city. If they do get lost, you might not receive your complete order since four hours driving is hungry work. We know you’ll understand should this should occur.

(You will automatically be charged $1.75 if it took you more than 10 seconds to read this ad. Each additional 10 seconds will be charged at a reduced rate of 50 cents.)

Natale C. Frank has a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and enjoys writing humor and satire to help herself and others cope with difficult life circumstances. She is an editor for The Partnered Pen & One Table, One World and is Editor in Chief for Promposity & Mental Gecko, both of which she created. She is also the Managing Editor for Novellas and Serials at LVP Publications. Her collection of poetry, Disguised I Breathe, In Love I Hold, can be found here on Amazon.

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