MACHISMO

Return of the Alpha Males

Time for you Betas to walk your low-T asses outta here

The message I have is a very simple one. It’s a bumper sticker: the era of the Pajama Boy is over January 20th and the Alpha Males are back.

That quote after the 2016 election was the crowning achievement of Sebastian Gorka’s political career.

If you’ve forgotten, he was a quintessential Trump advisor — shady past, fake credentials, dubious accent, and high WTF? quotient. Everything you’d want in a We Have The Best People.

Too bad for he wasn’t so Alpha after all. Got fired, last seen selling fish oil pills on late-night TV. But he got one thing right — America’s problem is a shortage of ego, arrogance, and bravado.

The term comes from “Alpha wolf,” and wolves are badass. Of course, the Pajama Boy scientists now say that everybody misunderstood and there’s no such thing. But they would, right? They’re Betas.

Real Men don’t need science. We have more IQ points in our testicles than any elitist professor has in his whole body.

Of course, Gorka would know because he worked for the Alpha-est President ever. Trump had a sack of bowling balls. He made his name firing people. It’s true James Comey got the axe while he was in California and only found out when he saw it on CNN, but it made sense. Dude is like 6'8". Somebody that tall, you need good sightlines. You have to do it from a distance so he can get a clear view. DC to LA is perfect.

Then Gorka got fired too. But he should have seen that coming — the first rule of Alpha is if you gotta say it, you ain’t it. You can’t fit it on a bumper sticker.

You think James Bond would put one on his Aston Martin? Hell no. And he doesn’t need to.

He rolls up to the casino in an Italian tuxedo worth more than the black market price of all your organs combined. It’s perfectly pressed, even though he was just wearing it under a diving suit before snorkeling to shore and blowing a bunch of shit up.

Alphas don’t wrinkle their clothes. The physics is complicated, but it’s true.

He pauses in the doorway to light a cigarette as he scans the room. The Pajama Boys cower. The women ovulate loudly. At least one will go home pregnant merely from brushing against his impeccably tailored sleeve.

That’s an Alpha Male.

He sits down at a table and wins a large amount of money. Or loses it, but doesn’t care either way. Money is nothing, he’s here to have sex with a supermodel. If it’s the beginning of the movie, she’ll end up dead, and it’ll be his fault. But that’s OK. Real Men don’t get too worked up over dead girls.

Besides, once you’ve had a life-changing orgasm with an Alpha Male, it’s all downhill. She might as well die and save herself from a lifetime of disappointment.

If it’s the end of the movie, he’ll have a couple of bullet wounds and a concussion, but he’ll get it up no problem. Real Men don’t need Viagra. Knock one unconscious, and he’s still better in the sack than a Beta. Flatlining in an emergency room? No problem. The supermodel doctor shocks him back to life, then five minutes later she’s having a life-changing orgasm right there on the gurney.

I dare you to try that, Pajama Boy.

Unfortunately, America was short on testosterone in 2020, so we didn’t Stop The Steal. But don’t worry, the Real Men are still out here. We got our khakis and tiki torches and MAGA hats. 2024 will be the year of We Have The Best People, and the Betas ain’t gonna stand a chance.

It’ll be The Alpha Males Are REALLY Back This Time, baby. Says so right here on the bumper sticker!

John Werth is a Medium Top Writer in Humor and Satire. He writes frequently on politics, though he no longer follows the news because “there’s such a thing as too much material.”

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