POLITICS
Republicans Blast Senator Katie Britt for Portraying Their Party as “Weak, Sniveling Pussies”
Snowflake Senator
Just when you thought Senator Katie Britt was emerging as a GOP darling, she tanked her career faster than you can say “Ron DeSantis.”
The Stepford Wife shocked everyone with her rebuttal to President Joe Biden’s State of the Union address. Her cringeworthy speech stunned the public harder than a police officer stunned a black man for existing.
To Britt’s defense, it’s difficult to follow Biden’s epic speech. Biden was praised for doing what Republicans couldn’t do: show strength and tell facts. 24 hours after the speech, Biden’s campaign raised as much money as Trump needed to default on his civil fraud lawsuit for 100 days.
However, Britt was slammed for choosing to behave the complete opposite of Biden: a fragile, thin-skinned, crying soap opera actress whose emotions swung faster than Jada Pinkett Smith¹ swung in her son’s high school.
Britt’s attempt to convey human emotion was so robotic that scientists labeled her genitalia as uncanny valley. Even her MAGA supporters were shocked by her machine-like performance. Proud MAGA supporter Senator Tom Cotton claimed he was traumatized after watching a dishwasher talk.
MAGA was so angry at Britt’s alien performance that they wanted to deport her. We compiled our favorite MAGA tweets that blasted Britt for campaigning for the Razzie’s Worst Actress award.
“Why is this bitch getting this emotional in front of the screen? Doesn’t she know this behavior is allowed only for old-white boomers like Brett Kavanaugh and Lindsey Graham? Is every month Britt’s time of the month?”
“Britt said that we Americans are ‘steeped in the blood of American patriots’. WHAT IS THIS CRAP? We didn’t kill our forefathers and bathe in their bloods. We’re Americans! Not what we think liberals are!
“I can tolerate being called a fascist, but I draw the line when I’m being called a liberal. Britt needs shut up and take her top off.”
“The only good thing about this speech is that she gave it in front of a kitchen. Nice to see a woman knowing exactly where she belongs. This is exactly what Trump…er…God designed her as.”
“I was on Fox News the other day and moderator Shannon Bream asked Britt if she blamed Dark Brandon for a sex trafficking incident that happened 20 years ago AND in Mexico. Brit deflected with a bizarre defense.
“I very clearly said I spoke to a woman who told me about when she was trafficked when she was 12, so I didn’t say a teenager.”
“Why is she not blaming Biden for things he didn’t do? We NEED every false accusation and slander against Dark Brandon! Otherwise, Trump won’t look good in comparison. Even though Trump committed so many crimes that it’s impossible to make him look competent.
“Real patriots don’t acknowledge facts. Real patriots know that dictatorship is best for America. Real patriots know Biden hasn’t committed crimes, but we will still blame him for the same felonies Trump has been accused of. Why else would we blame Biden for storming the capitol?
“Britt, stop deflecting the question! STICK TO YOUR LIES!”
“Whay is Britt impersonating an abused dog from those Sarah McLachlan commercials? Does Britt think that her tears will move me to donate $10 to poor Republican millionaires like herself and her ex-NFL husband?
“No one from the rich elite deserves my hard-earned money. Unless his name is Donald Trump. I’m a proud, straight, Christian male, but I’ll gladly let Trump bend me over and ram his dick up my pooper.”
“THIS IS THE WORST STRIPPER I HAVE EVER SEEN!”
We reached out to Britt on her political career falling faster than Biden falling on stairs. Britt defended herself with bouts of tears, deranged smiles, and a revisionist history lesson.
“America is in grave danger if Biden is re-elected. I just talked to a woman who survived the fall of the Byzantine Empire in Europe. She detailed the horrors of the rape, murder, and pillaging of the deadly Ottoman Empire when Mehmed the Conqueror took over their capitol. This is proof that Biden is funding Muslim violence to bring down America!
“Yes, I know the fall of the Byzantine empire happened in 1453, 489 years before Biden was born. Yes, I know the Ottoman Empire collapsed in 1922, 20 years before Biden was born. Yes, I know I made up that 570-year-old woman in my story. But STILL!
“I blame Joe Biden for the fall of Constantinople. This wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t elected as Vice President in 2008. Thanks, Obama!”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
#1: We are so getting bitch slapped by Will Smith for this.
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