Reciprocity Should Be a Bare Minimum Requirement
Consider this a reminder of your worth.
I always felt like I was too much, and like every other person who ever felt that way, I tried to make myself smaller. To ask less of others. To do more than was required of me to do. To earn love so that I could keep it. If I could just be less, then I wouldn’t look into the eyes of someone I loved and see disappointment.
Only that’s not what happened. I made myself less, and I received less. I still found myself encountering disappointment. Mine. Theirs. They said I was still too much, and I still felt like I wasn’t enough.
But we deserve reciprocity.
Romanticizing Unrequited Love and Affection
When I was deep into feeling like too much, I wasn’t asking myself if my partners were enough. I didn’t question their commitment when I was the one making all the effort. I didn’t examine their flaws while I was busy counting all of mine and trying to be a version of perfect that doesn’t exist. I was left with arms outstretched, feeling ashamed that no one was reaching back for me. And we want the person we love to reach for us, too.
I used to romanticize relationships where I loved that hard and was left longing to be loved in return. I made everything my fault, and I told myself that if I could go back and be better, they would still love me. The truth is, I was giving all my love to people who couldn’t or wouldn’t return it. I needed reciprocity, but I kept telling myself that my love was strong enough for both of us.
Reciprocity: A Bare Minimum Requirement for Relationships
It’s not asking too much to want the person who is in a relationship with us to share our feelings. It’s not asking too much to want their support and affection. It’s not asking too much to say, “I love you” and to want to hear it back. Reciprocity isn’t setting the bar too high; it should be the bare minimum requirement for all of our relationships.
Anxiety will tell us that we don’t deserve what we want. Past trauma will keep that thought front and center at all times. But as we cultivate strong self-worth and heal from our hurts, we learn that we were never too much. We just chose people who weren’t able to match our energy or see our worth — because we couldn’t see it either.
Reciprocity isn’t setting the bar too high; it should be the bare minimum requirement for all of our relationships.
The Evolution of Our Relationships
I stopped romanticizing a past where I wasn’t loved enough. I stopped telling myself that I’m too much for other people. I started setting the bare minimum standard where it always should have been — at the level of reciprocity.
I also began to realize that compatibility is a factor we often overlook. We can genuinely adore someone who is not compatible with the lives we’re living. We can have feelings for someone who isn’t right or good for us. But until we begin to value compatibility, we’ll keep choosing the wrong people and repeating the same lessons. We’ll keep prizing chemistry and ignoring that a bad fit can never be made into a good one.
To evolve into healthy relationships, we have to be willing to insist on both reciprocity and compatibility. We need to be able to match energy and recognize when someone doesn’t fit into our lives. We’ve got to date at a higher level — one where we stop taking it personally when someone isn’t right for us, and we start accepting that it just takes time to find the right fit. We stop assassinating the character of everyone who couldn’t love us the way we wanted to be loved, and we start admitting that we gave up our power every time we stayed in situations where we weren’t getting our needs met. We move toward acceptance and away from blame.
To evolve into healthy relationships, we have to be willing to insist on both reciprocity and compatibility.
A New Story
I’m too grown for the angst of “he loves me, he loves me not.” I want safety. I want to feel secure in a relationship. I want to love someone who is just as open about loving me in return. I cannot afford another relationship where I keep giving while getting little love in return. A little love just isn’t enough. I have big love to give, and now I know it’s okay to want that kind of love in return.
I tell myself a new story. I start looking for alignment. I have a full life, and I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself that I haven’t found the reciprocity I desire. I know all too well what it’s like to settle for a relationship without it. I would rather be alone than go through the heartache of that again. I’ve found my happiness here — in this life with my standards set to where they should have been all along.
Reciprocity is not a bonus. It’s not the icing on top of the cake of relationships. It’s a main ingredient.
If we don’t have it, we’re not in the right place.
If we don’t have it, we need to love ourselves enough to realize that we’re worth reciprocity as a bare minimum in our relationships.
