Reasons You, My Neighbour, Should Adopt A Cat, A Dog, And A Baby

I’m not a selfish prick

You know better than anyone how much I love babies, dogs, and cats. What you don’t know is why I can’t have even one of them. You keep replying to me “Why don’t you have one?” every time I comment “Awww my heart 😭” under a Facebook post of every baby, dog, and cat I come across.

I must ask you “Why don’t you, Greta?”

You never seem to find a guy who’s right for you. All your dates are pathetic. They’re more pathetic than me, and that’s saying something. They’re either too old and can’t hear you or too young and can’t listen to you. I’ve had enough.

You’re spoiling your precious little life by being lonely all the time. I can’t understand why you haven’t yet adopted a dog or a cat. Every lonely person in the world has either a dog or a cat to make them feel they’re not lonely. It’s an unwritten rule.

When you’re with a dog and a cat, you can actually never be lonely. You’ll be lovely. You’ll be seen as an exuberant girl. Guys your age will chase you like how your dog will be chasing your cat. Don’t be surprised if girls of any age chase you, too. I’m talking about girls of any age who can both hear and listen.

You obviously need at least one baby to play with your pets. Everyone knows that. Pets love babies. Cats love anyone who cries constantly. Your cat will be obsessed with you, too. Dogs love even the assholes. Your dog will inevitably be fixated on you. You’ll love them because they’ll give you undivided attention. Not all of them at the same time, though. Don’t be delusional.

You’ll love the baby because your baby will be restlessly competing with you to see who cries longer without pausing. So the baby will love you, too.

Fun fact: Did you know a five-month-old baby named Sheila Wultz broke the world record for consecutive hours of crying at four months, three days, and one hour before eventually reluctantly falling asleep?

Fun fact of that fun fact: That was not Sheila’s goal. She actually aimed to break the world record for consecutive months without sleep, which ended one month shy of the six she needed. Sadly, a yawn prevented her crying streak from continuing longer. It’s a shame, really.

You and your baby can be a terrific motivation to each other to break both those records. You both set your goal only to cry constantly, which would consequently make you attain your other goal of not falling asleep, too. Your dog and cat are going to come in handy for shattering these world records. Look how exciting your life is going to be.

Who said an independent woman shouldn’t be with someone? You could be having a threesome and still be independent. There’s nothing wrong with being dependent so you could be with arguably the three adorable creatures in the world. When you’re dependent, you attract guys, too — of your age. Being dependent is a turn-on.

You’re dying. Your ego is killing you. Your ego is dependent on you. Don’t feed it. Let your ego die and adopt all three of them before the sun sets by tomorrow. Let your happiness be dependent on all of them as much as they’ll be depending on you — predominantly for your food.

These creatures will make you feel like you’re in the gym all day and night. You did tell me you’ve been meaning to work out. It’s a win-win really.

If you’re ever going on a vacation, I would obviously step in and watch them. Only one of them at a time, though. What I would choose to watch depends on my mood and the weather. Also, it depends on which of them is not crying.

If I’m also going on a vacation at the same time, which could easily happen, I’ll make sure to get a sitter who watches a baby, a dog, and a cat at the same time. What are they called? Versatile sitter? All sitter? Sitter for all creatures? It’s totally a thing. If it’s not, it should be. And why isn’t it already?

Dogs drastically reduce your blood pressure. Babies drastically increase your blood pressure. Cats? They do both. It depends on their mood and the weather. If it’s an ideal day, your blood pressure will be ideal. Not less or more. It’s better to adopt one more cat then, just in case.

To make it easier for you, let me name them right now. Dog is a brilliant name for a cat. I can’t believe nobody has ever thought of that. Baby is a wonderful name for a dog. Cat is the best name any baby can have. This is to mess with your neighbors by confusing them. You always have to keep them in check. Also to keep these creatures in check.

I’m not a selfish prick, Greta! This is all for you.

Besides, I’m not crazy about the idea of being responsible for one creature other than myself. It’s hard enough to be responsible for myself.

To answer your repeated question “Why don’t you have one?” — I’m richly poor. But you’re extravagantly rich. When you adopt these three creatures, I’ll come to your house every day just to comment “Awww my heart” at literally everything they do.

The best part? I don’t even have to spend twenty-three seconds every time to search for this “ 😭” emoji. I’ll just cry with you guys.

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