YOU BETTER WORK, BITCH!

How Seven Days in a Week Work for Every Employee Who Works in the Office

Sunday and Monday are intertwined

Monday

You would rather be anywhere else in the world. You could be on your way to the Himalayas, all the way running from Antarctica. You would eventually do it, without complaining even once. Yet, you are sitting in your office. You’ve been forced to come by this sick society. You wonder why everything costs money in this free world.

You’re thinking — how did the weekend gallop when you thought you had frozen the time? It’s like the hot sun melted the frozen time in a flash. You were not ready for Monday. You keep asking yourself — how did Monday happen already?

You drink three coffee in forty minutes to bring yourself to face the sad reality. Each of your coffee needs three coffee. Coffee is just not strong enough. You check your work emails. You think about what you eat for lunch and dinner. After being in shock that it’s already Monday, you become frozen the whole day. Your clock is frozen, too — from the moment you entered the office.

You’re looking at the clock since 9 AM. You believe constantly looking at it unfreezes time. It never does. Yet, you eventually pass your day without fail.

You realize Monday Blues are so very overrated. You feel like you’re invincible. You know exactly what needs to be done to get past your future Mondays. You have cracked the Monday Madness — like Gordan Ramsay cracking an egg. As you leave the office, you loudly tell yourself, “Bring on the next Monday, bitch!”

Tuesday

You think Tuesday can’t scare you. You think Tuesday is a joke. Because you’ve seen Monday. Nothing can possibly be worse than Monday. Within ten minutes of sitting in your office, you realize Tuesday is the new Monday. You feel Monday and Sunday are intertwined. At least on Monday, you had a perfectly legitimate excuse that you just came from Sunday. Monday was actually heaven. Now you have nowhere to run. You have to actually work.

Tuesday is the Monday’s Monday. You realize Tuesday Blues are so very underrated. You want to tell everyone around you that Tuesday Blues are a thing. You realize it’s not fair to Monday for getting all the blame. If any day had to be blamed, it was Tuesday. Poor Monday! You need six coffee in forty minutes. Each of your coffee needs six coffee. Coffee is just not strong enough. Coffee is so very overrated.

After getting through the longest day of the week by every stretch of the imagination, you feel like you’ve cracked the Tragedy Tuesday. You’ve not only identified the toughest day of the week but also mastered it. Tuesday had no idea what hit it. Tuesday thought it could suffocate you. To its credit, it did more than it wanted to. But you’re still breathing. You’re actually smiling like an emperor. You feel alive. You’re a champion.

Wednesday

You could see this either way. If you’re an optimist, you’ll think you’re on the verge of reaching the weekend. You could practically see it. To you, Wednesday is the new Thursday. You feel like you’re Jenna Ortega (Wednesday Addams) from the Wednesday TV show who possesses psychic powers. You control time now.

If you’re a pessimist, you’ve yet to move past the overrated Monday blues and the underrated Tuesday blues. You’re obsessed with living in your past. You’ve not moved on from your kindergarten breakup either and you’ve already had nine breakups. It was your partner’s decision every single time — and rightly so.

The rest of you keep thinking about whether you’re an optimist or a pessimist the whole day. You’re just not sure which way to lean toward.

Whatever you are, even if you don’t figure out who you are, your day has passed without fail. You’re not even proud of yourself anymore. You’re cocky that way. All three of you are the nonchalant Jenna Ortega from Wednesday.

Thursday

Even if you were a pessimist on Wednesday, you’re an optimist on Thursday. You’ve comfortably moved on from your past breakups. You’re actually ready for your future breakups. Everyone is an optimist on Thursday. Because Thursday is unofficially Friday. Everyone knows it but nobody shows it. Everyone treats it like it’s a big secret.

Even if you were a pessimist on Wednesday, you want everyone in your office to believe you’re still on Monday, just to mess with them. You want to make others happy by keeping your face sad. But everyone knows you’re faking it. Because they’re faking it themselves, even the optimists from Wednesday. Everyone buys your fake sad face just to make you happy.

More importantly, you want your boss to believe you’re suffering to make him/her feel good. You’re selfless by making everyone around you happy. Your boss actually buys your fake sad face. You’re tempted to show your original Monday face to your boss to mess with him but you’re perfectly aware you shouldn’t overdo it. You’re in the zone. You’re literally invincible.

Friday

Friday is officially Saturday. Everyone knows it. Nobody even attempts to hide it. You smile all the time in front of your boss, even when you don’t feel like it. You make a fake happy face. You just want to make him/her suffer today. You want to see his/her original sad face. You’re here for the payback, not just for your fake sad face from Thursday but also for your original sad face from Monday.

But the joke is on you. To your boss, since Thursday, it's been officially Friday. Your boss can’t wait to go home either. But your boss can’t show it. Your boss is making a fake sad face, to make you feel good. You’re actually buying your boss’s sad face. You're happy to be deceived. You don’t even care to lose some points to your boss.

Nobody works on Fridays. Not even your boss. You’re all looking at the clock since 9 AM. You believe constantly looking at it unfreezes time. It miraculously does. The same “constant look” trick that let you down on Monday, you pull it off on Friday. You’re a better psychic than Jenna Ortega from the Wednesday show will ever be.

As you leave the office premises, you remember what mistake you did last Friday night. You realize Friday night is the Saturday night. You tell yourself Saturday night is the Sunday night. This weekend, you’re confident you’ll be one step ahead of the time. You’re cocky you won’t let time elude you.

Saturday

You wake up. You had brunch. You’re already sitting at the dinner table. The time difference between your brunch and your dinner is literally eleven minutes and sixteen seconds. How did this happen — again? What is wrong with you? You’re perfectly aware Saturday night is the Sunday night.

But what’s the point of knowing? You can’t freeze time. You’re looking at the clock since 9 PM. You believe constantly looking at it freezes time. It never does. Your psychic power has miraculously vanished. You feel like you’re vulnerable. You’re defenseless. You can’t even party happily. So you genuinely pretend to enjoy.

You drink three beers in forty minutes to bring yourself to face the sad reality — Sunday Blues. Each of your beers needs three beers. Beer is just not strong enough. Beer is so very overrated.

You tell yourself —I can’t live in the moment. Fuck the moment. Fuck my life.

Sunday

You don’t even remember going to bed on Saturday night, partially because of the cold beers which finally worked, and mostly because of your incompetency to freeze time. You’re already sitting at the dinner table on Sunday. You don’t even remember having brunch. Did you even have brunch? Are you even having dinner right now? Or are you experiencing hallucinations?

You’re on the verge of reaching Monday. You could practically see it. You realize Sunday is the new Monday. You feel Sunday and Monday are intertwined. You tell yourself Sunday Blues are so very underrated. You’re already thinking about each of your coffee needing three coffee.

You’ve made your bed. You’re lying in it. You accept the reality that you can’t race against time. You can’t fuck with the time. It’s the time that fucks you. As you lie in your bed — naked, you feel like Jesus Christ, extending your arms, bracing yourself for the crucifixion — MONDAY!

As you’ve been nailed to your bed, you realize— everyone is a pessimist now, including the optimists from Wednesday, your boss, Jenna Ortega from Wednesday, and Jesus Christ!!

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