EMILY IN CHILE

Reasons I Was Crying On My Flight

Brown guys don’t know how to cry

I genuinely forgot my morning custom — I cry in the shower before my flight.

After I binge-watched season 1 of the Netflix TV show 1899, I learned that Netflix ruthlessly canceled the show. Naturally, I started crying on the flight. My destination? The Atacama desert, Chile.

The white girl sitting next to me said, “Dude, you call this crying? I’ve said this to people my whole life — Brown guys don’t know how to cry. Thank you for proving my hypothesis. Don’t lose heart, though. Keep crying! You will eventually get better at crying, which is my other hypothesis.”

Just then I remembered I genuinely forgot to take a shower this morning.

The high altitude and the lack of oxygen in the cabin caused dehydration. Water on the flight cost $28 for the first bottle, and $53 for the second bottle. Only two bottles per passenger.

The white girl sitting next to me was named Emily. I know this because I sneaked a look at her passport. She yelled at me, “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”

Just then I realized I didn’t know how to remember to take a shower anymore. I started crying again.

Emily was crying while she watched the TV show Emily in Paris on her iPad. After I binge-watched season 3 of Emily in Paris, I learned that Netflix ruthlessly renewed the show for season 4.

So, I started doing an impression of Emily crying and then remembered that I cried while watching The Crown when I realized The Queen was actually dead.

Emily looked at me crying and started taking notes on tissues. When I begged her for some tissues to wipe my watery eyes, she refused.

Emily told me she was a clinical psychologist and that I could talk to her about my money addiction issues. She said she won’t judge me, but she did judge me by continuing to write notes on the tissues she refused to give me.

The red-headed flight attendant tried to sell me anti-crying medication. The price? $1899. Then the red-headed flight attendant did an impression of me crying after I refused to pay her $1899.

The other white girl sitting next to me on the flight was Kendall, who introduced herself to me by showing me her passport. She was also a therapist and I told her about my money addiction issues. Unlike Emily, Kendall refused to take notes. The best part? She had tissues and did offer me some to wipe my watery eyes.

Just then I received a text from my long-lost girlfriend Eva that read, “I think I still love you, Srini.” I started crying again.

Kendall offered me her anti-crying medication free of cost, which made me cry even harder.

Then my long-lost girlfriend Eva accidentally sent me a second text that read, “I think I love you, Emily.” I was already crying. Emily read the text over my shoulder and she started crying again. Kendall cried because she’s a therapist and it’s sad to watch two other people crying. And the red-headed flight attendant was doing an impression of me, Emily, and Kendall crying.

Hoping to undo all this crying chaos, I went to take a shower. I found out that flights don’t have showers.

I’m not one for making a scene, so I decided to just sit and cry silently instead. The red-headed flight attendant was standing next to me, still doing an impression of me crying, so I did an impression of her doing an impression of me.

The red-headed flight attendant leaned down and whispered in my ear, “In 19 years as a flight attendant I have never seen anyone actually get better at crying. You’ve mastered it, Srini. I think I love you! Please keep crying. You know it turns me on.”

She then took off her red wig. I gasped.

“It’s me, Eva. I’m still lost — in you.”

“What about Emily? Do you love her?”

“Bad auto-correct. Anyway, I could never love anyone who cries watching Emily in Paris. Let’s take a shower together after we land!!”

Eva and I cried for real all the way to the Atacama Desert in Chile.

Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Srini

A massive thanks to my favorite comedian T. Kent Jones for his Midas touch on this piece.

Falling in love with Srini? Read these to find out if you want to sit next to him on the flight with tissues: