SELF-IMPROVEMENT
Reality is Such a Fantasy
Day 9, 50 questions for deep self-reflection
This is day 9 of the 50 Questions for Deep Self-Reflection challenge from Know Thyself Heal Thyself created by Diana C.
DAY NINE: How can you pilgrimage your way back into remembrance?
Deep breaths. It feels like this one saw me coming. It’s like the TikTok algorithm: 45 years for me to work out I was neurodivergent and genderqueer and it took TikTok all of 23 seconds.
This one is so tough simply because it’s been something I’ve been asking myself all year. It’s been something I’ve been pushing against, digging at, clawing at. It’s a question I’ve been desperately searching for the answer to but I think that’s the key. I don’t think I need the answer. Perhaps the answer is, to not. To bet it go, let it be. That’s definitely what I’ve been gently falling towards over the past few weeks.
I had a rather large epiphanic (is that a word?) moment a few weeks back. I’d told my therapist in a session that I wish I could remember my childhood because perhaps I could find the thing that’s missing that explains who I am. That sign, that clue, that yes, what I’m experiencing now was always real. Perhaps searching for the reason that it’s taken me 45 years to question my truth. But reality is a fantasy.
And then, the epiphanic moment. By the way, Grammarly says epiphanic is a word so we’re accepting it and adding it to the vocabulary.
My memories have always been fuzzy prior to my teenage years. There are splashes of memories but most are more memories of stories others had told. The only memories I could trust were the ones where I was alone and even then, I was only seeing them as I think I remember feeling them. Everything past is as real as everything future. It’s a perception.
And that was how I realized that none of it matters. I was searching for evidence, a sign of clarity that told me that yes, what I’m feeling and experiencing now is real, but in that search, I was looking for contrast. The thing is, I was never going to find contrast because the evidence I was looking for was in the fact that I didn’t feel different. The evidence was in the lack of contrast. I was always… just, me. I always felt like I do now. That’s the strongest evidence possible that I’m on the right path, not to me, but with me. I don’t have to justify my experience, because it’s mine. I don’t have to convince anyone that what I feel is real, because of course it is.
So, reflecting back on the question, I guess it's not so tough after all. Remembrance is simply a connection to how we felt and a way to feel it again — good, and bad. The only pilgrimage worth making is the one to finding gratitude, enjoyment, and happiness, in this moment, right now.
Happy sigh.
If you are interested in the journey so far — all the days that came before, I’ve collected all the article links here:
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