Quarter Life Crisis

Welcome to November

Who Do You Think You Are?

I’ve felt out of place most of my life.

The originality of my name and personality used to be things I resented.

Most of us who identify as weirdos experience phases of wanting nothing more than to fit in with everyone else. It certainly seems easier than the pressure of being someone who often draws unwanted attention.

I now realize that the sometimes isolating nature of my reality is the fuel for my creative aspirations.

One of my first tattoos includes a single, out of place puzzle piece — representing my disconnection from the majority.

As I approach 25, I’m confronted with a multitude of existential thoughts, feelings, and questions.

“Who am I?” Has been repetitive lately.

There was a time when I didn’t think I’d live past age 15, and I honestly didn’t want to.

A lot has changed in the last 10 years, including my will to live.

I’m more grateful for life than I’ve ever been. Every birthday feels like an accomplishment; I’ve survived another year of suicidal thoughts and tendencies, and learned to cope with the life sentence that is depression.

If you’re younger than 25, where do you see yourself at this age?

If you’re formerly 25, what was your life like at this age?

My mom and sister whisper-sang “Happy Birthday” to me at midnight while my nieces and nephew slept on the pull out couches in their condo.

I’ve decided this is a quiet birthday. I also know that because I’ve put this in writing, I’ll most likely wake up to the loudest day of my life.

A New Season

The change in seasons happened over night where I live. We went from 90 to 40 degrees (Fahrenheit) in less than 12 hours.

I feel this change of seasons in my core. It’s as if my brain’s chemical imbalances have a weather radar and consistently begin their cycle of torturous thoughts when the temperature drops.

Also, it’s my birthday.

Can you sense the level of disdain?

Why does it feel like I can’t keep up with the passing of time?

Why does accepting things that are good for me feel incredibly arduous?

Why do I feel so alone?

When I was younger, 25 sounded so far away.

Now that I’ve arrived at this age, I know I still have so much to learn.

I’ve never been the type to make strict five-year-plans or schedule my life goals because I understand that it can lead to unrealistic expectations and unnecessary disappointment.

Life is unpredictable. I prefer to live spontaneously while maintaining intention.

I trust that my life is in the care of higher forces. While I continue to evolve, they’ll be creating a path ahead of me which can only be discovered if I accept that my destiny is out of my control.

I’ve been taking the time to consider what I’ve been through, and my anticipation for the future is growing. I have accomplished things I never would have predicted.

I have evolved into someone I don’t necessarily recognize.

This version of myself is not what I imagined becoming, which leads me to believe that my future self will continue to surprise me.

I’m doing my best to keep up with her.

Do you ever look in the mirror and experience dysphoria in a deeper sense than physically?

Do you ever think about how our reflections follow us everywhere?

I sometimes feel that I don’t belong in my body; as if my spirit is claustrophobic inside this shell. I fantasize about leaving it behind to be burned to ashes. Is that morbid?

I am currently sitting on the very small bed in the very small room I’m staying in for the weekend.

The beach is outside my window and my dog is at my side. I’m starting to become more familiar with the feeling of being exactly where I belong.

My 25th birthday is 25 hours long.

Hello, Synchronicity? Is that you?

1:59am just turned to 1:00am. As if I’m reliving the last hour. I’ll sleep when I’m dead…

Shall we contemplate time again?

Time is definitely on my mind, but today is all about presence. And a little bit about presents.

I love the idea of embracing my inner child for a day, celebrating life, and spending a weekend in a place so beautiful that I have no choice but to leave my worries at home.

Watching my sweet dog play in the ocean for the first time was the best thing I’ve done all year.

We left all our worries elsewhere For the sake of a beautiful, timeless moment.

Because what does worrying accomplish?

My resolution is to live as worry-less as I am in this moment.

Self Inflicted Criticism

I also wanted to apologize for my recent absence. I have been working as much as possible in order to save money for this trip, and planning my move into the apartment with purple doors has required more focus than I anticipated.

I’ve been feeling self-absorbed, which I do not enjoy, but I’d rather take a break from writing than share inauthentic content for the sake of maintaining consistency.

I’m missing the calmer phase of life at the end of summer which inspired me to write and share my thoughts regularly.

I’m attempting to find the balance between restlessness and the lifestyle of a road runner. (Joanie *wink*)

I still have more questions than answers. Some are rhetorical, most are interactive. Hopefully all will inspire more curiosity and wondering.

I believe I’m at the beginning of a new, undiscovered chapter of life, and I’m ready for the surprises I’m sure to encounter.

Wish me luck — I’ll send it back ten-fold.

Thank you for reading!

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