Pregnant and Done (With My Toxic Relationship)

What’s next?

This is obviously not how it was supposed to go.

Anyway, here I am: 7 months pregnant and navigating a recent breakup of a relationship that could have been perfect… except for the fact that it wasn’t. The ups and downs were very real and they were breaking my spirit.

I wished for long that just the good would remain, but that was obviously a form of denial. Luckily or unluckily, at some point reality slapped me in the face a bit harder than usual, and I realized I couldn’t stay a second more. Neither for me nor for my baby.

I recently shared my experience here on Medium. It was a typical case of opening the floodgates, as I used the occasion to process a bit better what I am going through these days, what happened in the last two years, and why.

Here you can read an overview of my situation, my feelings, and my thoughts when I first decided to sit and start writing:

Here I am telling the story of how this relationship came to be. It is a nice story, honestly, a true romance. I do believe that both of us were fully into it. It could easily have been the beginning of the love story of a lifetime… But the universe had other plans in store for me, I guess?

Then, here comes the depiction of the real stuff, after the first couple of months of the honeymoon stage were over. Throughout all that time, things were either perfect or terrible. A rollercoaster. No stability, no boredom. Not any knowing, day by day, of what tomorrow could bring.

In the last piece of the series about my toxic relationship, I start dissecting my own responsibility in all of this. It is a bit of a longer read compared to the others, but it was probably the most important and cathartic for me to write. I hope you will find it useful too:

So, what’s next? — you might ask. I am in the process of trying to feel better and a bit more stable emotionally. I am also learning many things that will be useful in a couple of months when I will meet my baby for the first time. I’m reorganizing my life, my flat, my emotions, my financial plans. I’m thinking about my future career now that I had to reconsider the country in which the next part of my life will take place (I was supposed to move and go live with my ex in his country, which obviously is not happening anymore).

I have so many things to figure out: how my pregnancy will develop, where to give birth, who is the little person I am carrying inside, and whether I can be a good enough mom to him.

How to even become a mom from one day to another, for starters.

How not to lose myself. How to co-parent with an ex who is nowadays quite hostile towards me. How to be anyhow a bit happy throughout all of this, because my son deserves the best of starts into this world. How to be decently prepared for everything, but also how not to drown in anxiety and worries because of the uncertainty.

I will continue dissecting my story as it unfolds.

In the while, I would obviously appreciate any advice and support from other parents here. Particularly, if there are other single moms, which were alone since the start, how did you do it?

I’ll read you in the comments. :)