How the Hell Did I Find Myself in a Toxic Relationship?

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first repeatedly abused me emotionally and verbally and now — freshly out of us breaking up — is acting all cold and reasonable in his messages (for future audience’s sake… I’m thinking judges and psychologists which will have to decide about the baby’s future), while also constantly pressuring me for more information about my future plans and our son. In the meanwhile, I clearly stated that I need some time and distance to process my emotions, be calm again, stop showering the baby with all of these — I’m sure — unhealthy depressive little molecules and hormones, and re-imagine my life from scratch.</p><p id="c194">The temptation right now is to just hate him with every fiber of my body, and I do tend to ruminate a lot, these days, about all the nasty things he said and did to me. But I know this is not gonna play in my favor.</p><p id="af1a"><b>First of all, I carry a son that is bound to love him, somehow, and I don’t want to cause a breach between me and my child before he’s even here.</b></p><p id="33e9">Second, the situation is so complicated that I can’t afford to spend too much energy on distracting thoughts.</p><p id="c506">The only reason that from now on I will allow myself to linger in the past for more than - let’s say - 5 minutes [prepare timer…] is to recollect all evidence of his ab

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use, to try and understand why on earth I did fall in this trap, and whether this can happen to me again.</p><p id="ca47"><b>If you don’t mind, I’ll leave here a note to my next-future self:</b></p><p id="37ca"><i>Dear me, please be practical, be rational, be honest, be kind to yourself, and be patient. It’s gonna be hard, sometimes crazily hard, then easier again, maybe joyful, then possibly hard again. Ask for help. Never forget your blessings. But do stand up for yourself. None else is gonna do it for you.</i></p><p id="a76a">Read the continuation of my story here:</p><div id="09ea" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/how-the-hell-did-i-find-myself-in-a-toxic-relationship-part-2-8e7ef2fe036d"> <div> <div> <h2>How the hell did I find myself in a toxic relationship? /part 2</h2> <div><h3>It all started two years ago, when I realized that the not-fully committed relationship I was in was surely able to…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*U5PBtKGIo5QrkxZQMRHF6w.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Part 1

The reason why I found myself in a toxic relationship is not fully clear to me either — I ponder while, just out of it, I roll over in waves of sadness, angriness, and despair.

It is not clear; however, in the aftermath of it, I do recognize that it is important for me to understand what drove me in that situation and made me stay there for quite a bit. So I really need to start identifying my weaknesses and my responsibilities in the process, because I don’t want to see it happening again.

I want to protect myself. And my son.

But okay, let’s go step by step.

I am a soon-to-be single mom, now six months+ pregnant, feeling extremely lonely, and having to deal with an ex-partner that first repeatedly abused me emotionally and verbally and now — freshly out of us breaking up — is acting all cold and reasonable in his messages (for future audience’s sake… I’m thinking judges and psychologists which will have to decide about the baby’s future), while also constantly pressuring me for more information about my future plans and our son. In the meanwhile, I clearly stated that I need some time and distance to process my emotions, be calm again, stop showering the baby with all of these — I’m sure — unhealthy depressive little molecules and hormones, and re-imagine my life from scratch.

The temptation right now is to just hate him with every fiber of my body, and I do tend to ruminate a lot, these days, about all the nasty things he said and did to me. But I know this is not gonna play in my favor.

First of all, I carry a son that is bound to love him, somehow, and I don’t want to cause a breach between me and my child before he’s even here.

Second, the situation is so complicated that I can’t afford to spend too much energy on distracting thoughts.

The only reason that from now on I will allow myself to linger in the past for more than - let’s say - 5 minutes [prepare timer…] is to recollect all evidence of his abuse, to try and understand why on earth I did fall in this trap, and whether this can happen to me again.

If you don’t mind, I’ll leave here a note to my next-future self:

Dear me, please be practical, be rational, be honest, be kind to yourself, and be patient. It’s gonna be hard, sometimes crazily hard, then easier again, maybe joyful, then possibly hard again. Ask for help. Never forget your blessings. But do stand up for yourself. None else is gonna do it for you.

Read the continuation of my story here: