How the Hell Did I Find Myself in a Toxic Relationship?

Part 4. Some self-reflection, some hard-won wisdom, and 4 pieces of advice.

I’m here, very pregnant and very exhausted, on a warm July Saturday afternoon, after a “bit” of emotional turmoil caused by some polemic messages from the previously introduced toxic ex, and after unsuccessfully trying to work in a suffocating flat, going out shopping for groceries, carrying a lot of them down the road under the sun, meeting up with friends at the park to dissect the above-mentioned turmoil, and finally crashing in bed.

I’m completely out of energy, physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Yet, I’m forcing myself to write, horizontally and uncomfortably if it needs to be because so I have previously pictured. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is one of the reasons why I found myself in a toxic relationship. **

Okay, jokes aside.

What I mean here, is that I am the kind of person that gets very stubborn with things both outside of me and with myself. This leads me to value what I think I want, what I have previously pictured, and what I have previously imagined for the present moment to be, more than I value my current feelings. I honestly think this was my original sin #1 in the story of how I ended up in a toxic relationship.

For example, I can clearly recall the moment I first thought we were meant-to-be, and the moment (disturbingly early) I started imagining spending my whole life close to him, having a family with him, a little house, a dog, and even what we would do on the weekends.

All of these images became fuel to make me speed up in front of those, which should have been the first stopping — or, at least, slowing — signs.

I can also clearly recall wanting to break up after unspeakable bad scenes preceding a long hiking trip I was so fondly planning for some time. I didn’t seriously consider breaking up on that occasion mainly because I didn’t want to cancel the trip. Easy and stupid as this sounds.

Finally, I can recall having some reasonable doubts when we were more practically talking about children and making a family, but — also — I had wanted that so much, and so little time was probably left on my biological clock!

So, this is how this little ball of love I now carry in my belly — half wanted half happened — came to be, before any of our issues were seriously sorted (even if they seemed at the time of conception to have become more manageable than before).

Original sin #2 is certainly my wish for — and faith in — the changeability of people. I know this is very common among the victims of abuse. And I also can see how this is not a completely negative trait.

I know I am deep down optimistic, and I honestly wouldn’t want to modify that. I wouldn’t want to lose my tendency to see the good in people, my faith in the fact that you can change if you want, that you can change if you become more self-aware, or my faith in communication. But this has sometimes led me — in different relationships — to overlook how much the other person really wants to evolve, or is really ready to be self-aware.

To explain and over-explain. To try and re-try.

What I realize now, is that I often overextended myself, confusing what I wished for with what they were wishing for.

This brings me to original sin #3. This is a very scary and wounded place to look at. I am just starting to do so, but I feel like it’s necessary. Why does sin #2 even arise, why is that so common?

I think that, deep down, I have the belief that I need someone to take care of me.

Feeling like you are unable to fully function emotionally by yourself can be a very potent motivator for wishing the other person would fit into the mold of who you need them to be in order to take care of your needs.

I don’t buy into the idea of someone being fully emotionally independent, or fully able to fulfill one’s own needs. But I do start to think that I should fulfill my own needs at least a bit more, take care of myself at least a bit more, and keep promises to myself at least a bit more. Then, I could stop being so dependent on others to do so.

There is certainly space for me to improve in that. And this is probably the only instance in which I should actively foster my faith in changeability.

Original sin #4 is more subtle and something I am just starting to grasp.

More specifically, I came to the realization, in the last year, that many people around me see judgments on their behaviors as judgments of their full character, and judgments on other people’s behaviors as judgments of other people’s characters. This can for example lead them to create a story about someone, about who they are, based on a single action they witnessed or heard about. This is very far from the way I think and function.

I sometimes dislike a behavior or an attitude someone shows, but I don’t assume I know the truth about the essence of that person because of this. More importantly, I am not so prone to imagine that they would always behave in such a way. In other words, I tend to think in very relativistic terms, and I don’t assume I really know anyone because of limited information about them.

I am more prone to think anyone is able to do any sort of good and bad things, under the “right” conditions. Is this related to the changeability belief? Or maybe to the fact I am not a champion of consistency and discipline myself?

In any case, I might want to modify my belief system a bit, if I want to protect myself more in the future. Of course, I will not turn into a completely different person, with completely different values, from one day to another, and I don’t even wish to do so. But maybe I should start to include a little bit more judgment about people in my life.

And with this, I simply mean: starting to believe, when a behavior is reiterated, that this is a true reflection of who that person is. Deciding whether I like them or not based on that. But I need to hold up the same standards for myself. And to keep showing up consistently in all aspects of my life.

So, now to the pieces of advice (to take with a grain of salt because I’m not even sure how much I will be able to follow them myself):

1. It might be hard not to start fantasizing when you set your mind to something you desire, but go easy on that: when it comes to romantic relationships, try to avoid doing that for as long as you can, and try to be fully aware of what is your fantasy vs what is the reality. If you really can’t escape this tendency of yours, you can damage-control a little by not being fully reliant on others to make your most-beloved images come true (rather, start to pursue them on your own), and — as Eckhart Tolle said or wrote at some point somewhere — by remembering not to love the future more than you love the present. So, stay in the present.
2. Don’t assume others want to be more self-aware than they are, don’t assume they want to change, and, importantly, don’t ask them to. If they hurt you, just tell them. If you know your boundaries, just communicate them. If they keep stepping beyond them, just put more distance between you and them. All the rest is out of your reach.
3. Learn what your own needs are, and if you are not showing up consistently enough for yourself, step your game up. The quality of your life in every respect (including your romantic relationships) depends on that. On a related note, you won’t get now from someone else what you also didn’t get from your caregivers in your childhood. So, make peace with the idea, and be softer or stronger with yourself, if soft or strong is what you need. Don’t abandon yourself.
4. Start to believe, when people show up with certain actions consistently, that this is probably who they are. It is not a matter of labeling or badmouthing them, and not a matter of feeling like you are better than them, just a matter of protecting yourself from further heartbreak. And it works in the positive sense too, to help you trust and rely on those who have truly earned that.

I wish for myself to be able to put the pieces of my heart back together, and to keep gaining more and more clarity about myself.

I also hope my story was of any use to anyone in a similar situation.

You deserve the best.

**: I actually took a long nap just after that paragraph.