Power is the Ultimate Aphrodisiac

Chronicle of an Open Marriage #10

I opened my marriage because my husband wanted more sex than I do on the regular. I figured that if he sought sex outside the marriage, it would give me some relief. And it has. But not in the way I anticipated.

Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac

I thought I’d feel relief because he wouldn’t be constantly coming to me for sex. What’s happened instead is that I’m hornier! Now when he approaches me, I no longer close up automatically. I really have no idea why this is happening.

One theory is that it’s because he’s happier. My husband is basically a grumpy old man, and despite my clear understanding that his psyche is not my responsibility, his grumpiness makes me feel anxious and ashamed. Why isn’t he happy? There must be something wrong with me! Perhaps we aren’t really “in love!” But during the first couple of weeks after we opened our marriage, Hubs walked around with a little smile on his face. He was more enthusiastic about going out and doing things and was friendlier in general. Life was good. Problems were solved.

Another theory concerning my increased sexual appetite is that it’s because I’ve stepped outside my gender box by being the dominant one in this new arrangement. I’m the one granting him permission to seek sex outside the marriage. I’m the one setting the rules (e.g. come home to sleep; don’t bring sex partners to our apartment; take precautions; tell me what’s going on). I feel more in control of my life, and less used by a partner who seems to take more than he gives. I talked about this in depth in previous stories, so I won’t do that here. But essentially, I gained power by opening the marriage, and that made me hornier.

This reminds me of an old quote. I’m not a history buff and don’t know much about Henry Kissinger, but I do remember him saying in one interview that “power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.” He meant women flock to powerful men, and even an ugly old man like he was could get willing sexual partners because he held a position of power in the U.S. government. That made sense to me at the time, but now I’m not so sure. I find power in men to be threatening. I prefer slender men to musclebound ones. I don’t want to be intimate with someone who could break my neck in a rage or throw me in jail by pulling a few strings.

Instead, my own power is the aphrodisiac, not my partner’s. When I feel powerful and in charge, that makes me horny.

Role switching can bring relief to both genders

I’d be inclined to believe this is a universal response — that power is sexy and people with power are hornier than those without it — except for another experiment we’ve been trying: dominant and submissive sex play.

As much as I enjoy taking control of our sexual activities, my husband enjoys relinquishing it. Maybe the true turn on is just in getting out of our socially-prescribed gender roles. Human beings are capable of wide ranges of emotion and behavior. It’s onerous and anti-creative to limit ourselves according to nonsensical rules created by the patriarchy to keep most people down.

Two stories I read recently on Medium speak to different aspects of this idea. Elle Beau ❇︎ talks about how most of our behavior is generated from our subconsious, not our conscious mind in this piece:

And Lisa Martens talks about how many men like to take the submissive role in the bedroom in this one:

Getting more variety in our sexual play came as part and parcel with opening our relationship. Once we decided we wanted to try something new, everything was on the table. That attitude has helped us both to feel seen and heard, and to explore and express our desires more freely.

Showing shame the door can repair feelings

Another surprising way that I’m feeling relief after opening the relationship is I’m employing less shame in my sexual fantasies. For most of my life, thoughts of sex have been a source of shame, hence shame became wedded to desire. I didn’t admit that to myself, because it’s not praised or socially approved in my culture for women to be sexually shut down. I thought I was sexually normal and healthy. But my fantasies all involved degradation, and that messed with my psyche, making sex less appealing. I’m a strong, feminist woman and had a hard time integrating my conscious identity with this dark undercurrent of sexual shame.

Again, I don’t understand this change. All I know is it feels good, and healthy, and right. But why is it happening? I have to imagine that once again, it has to do with power.

I think the way women are raised makes them sexually impotent — or at least it did me. To be hunted, and disrespected, and overpowered, ultimately crushes a woman’s sexual psyche. But once I stepped out from under and took the reins in our relationship, I took a more dominant role in my fantasies, too. This is a BIG change in my imaginary sexual world, and it makes sex more fun.

Are these changes temporary? Or will they last?

Lately, my husband’s enthusiasm for his trysts has diminished. He hasn’t found the perfect partner and wonders if he ever will. And when his enthusiasm wanes, so does mine. That was a BIG reason I suggested the arrangement in the first place — because I suspected it would made him happy. And when he’s happy, both our lives are improved.

Will his discouragement persist? Or is it just a blip on the radar? I imagine, like me, he’s going through some major mental changes. And it will take time to sort it all out. Will he change? Will I grow? Will we prosper together? Just like couples in monogamous relationships, we need to keep showing up to find out.

But whatever the outcome, I’m glad we’ve taken this detour off the prescribed path for old married couples. We both feel more alive and engaged as a result, and I, for one, am excited to see where we will go next.

What happens next? Read Chronicle of an Open Marriage #11. Find all of my stories about opening our marriage on the list below, or about sex in general on this one. Get an email whenever I publish. And have a delicious day.