Perfectionism Will Kill You

To be healthy and happy you must learn to let go.

Calling all perfectionists! If you want to work yourself to exhaustion, destroy your relationships, and never be satisfied, by all means, skip this article. If you want to finally have peace, feel satisfied at work, and be a better partner, then continue reading.

The truth is, I’ve been a perfectionist workaholic, and it almost destroyed me. This is not hyperbole. It’s taken a lot of work; introspection, reading books, journaling, and therapy (lots and lots of therapy) to help me change my mindset and habits. I know I’m not alone.

Recognizing the problem

Perfectionism has the power to damage every aspect of our lives. Evidence tells us that perfectionism permeates our schools and work environments, our self-image, and our relationships can now be found in every aspect of our media and culture. Excellence is no longer the goal. To quote the movie Brave…

“…and above all, a princess strives for, well, perfection.” -Queen Elinor

You don’t have to be a princess to feel this pressure!

Just take a look at the phenomenons of “Tiger Moms”, helicopter and now “lawnmower parenting”, and you can see that perfectionism has permeated how we raise our children. Because of these changes, children are more likely to internalize this pressure and they’re growing up to be anxious and depressed adults.

Social media- the new driver for toxic perfectionism

Why has it recently gotten so much worse? “Keeping up with the Joneses” has been put on steroids with the rise of social media. Now it’s not just our parents, coworkers, and our neighbors we’re trying to impress; it’s strangers online and effectively, the whole world.

In the past, most of us relied on perfectionism in an attempt to control others’ perceptions of us in real life. Now we also painstakingly curate our online persona with filters and exaggerated social media posts.

Here’s the thing, you probably believe you can always do better. You can always work longer, harder, and smarter right? After all, especially in the United States, we still believe we live in a meritocracy. If you’re not professionally successful and financially stable, you must not be doing something right. You must not be good enough or working hard enough…

In truth, we all know that life isn’t always fair. You can work yourself to death and still never meet some arbitrary metric for success.

Unless you let go of your perfectionism and set healthy boundaries, no matter what you do, it will quite literally never be enough. Not at work and not in your relationships. Letting perfectionism rule your life sets you on a path to self-destruction. Changing our thinking and habits is often easier said than done, so here are some practical steps you can take to change your perfectionist ways.

First, let’s talk about a necessary shift in mindset. You can’t beat perfectionism. That’s just more perfectionism!

It’s a lot more helpful to think about trying to heal from perfectionism. Focus on moving past the perfectionist mindset and developing healthier habits, not on yet another way to improve or “be the best”. That’s what got us into this mess in the first place.

Resources to help you embrace the imperfect to find real peace.

Reading really helped me; so consider the following resources as you begin this process.

Dr. Brené Brown has studied shame and has published multiple books that explain and examine perfectionism and the pain it causes. If therapy isn’t an option, start by reading her books. They’re particularly helpful for battling perfectionism in our romantic and family relationships and recognizing the roots of some of our most maladaptive behaviors.

If you’re looking for something that is less intellectual, less emotional, and more “actionable”, consider works by author Stephen Guise.

His practical tips are helpful in finding really immediate steps you can take to work toward accepting the imperfect. His point that sometimes it takes changing your actions before you can change your mind and emotions really resonates with goal-driven people.

There are loads of self-help gurus that have published on this topic. I prefer evidence-based approaches. Many others prefer authors who sound more like motivational speakers. They like experts who use a personal story to help listeners make a breakthrough.

My point is, find what works for you. Amazon reviews are really helpful here but don’t be afraid to look outside your comfort zone if the first book isn’t exactly earth-shattering for you.

What you can learn from my time in therapy

I still can’t talk enough about how therapy can be helpful or even necessary in changing perfectionist thinking and habits; but I recognize that for some people, it’s really out of reach. Therefore, I want to share some insights that have come from years of work with a couple of different professionals.

Change the language you use in your internal monologue. Be extra careful about the phrases “I should”, “I have to”, and “I need to”. Perfectionists tend to “should” themselves into thinking that there’s always something more they must do or something better that they could have done.

Consider replacing those phrases with “I want to” instead. Or, simply catch yourself and evaluate if that should is really true. This subtle change gives you space to reconsider if action is really necessary or if it just feels necessary.

Don’t mentally re-hash every mistake. Recognizing a mistake is a good thing because it allows for self-awareness and improvement. Ruminating over what you should have done instead is destructive. Make peace with the fact that you handled a problem or conflict the way you did, and just focus on what you’re going to do from there. A little self-empathy goes a long way here.

Praise yourself. It may feel forced at first, but practice praising yourself. We tend to focus on what we haven’t done and get stuck on what isn’t quite “perfect”. This means we never really give permission to ourselves to be happy with our efforts. Take a few moments each day to recognize what you’ve accomplished and what you did right. Even if it’s just ONE small thing! You did it!

Recognize thinking errors. Perfectionists often use all-or-nothing language that doesn’t leave room for the gray areas found in almost all of the human experience. The next time you catch yourself thinking “Stupid! You always/never do …” STOP. Instead, try “This time I did this… and it’s made me feel…” and then fill in the blanks.

Be specific and honest. Sometimes it takes time to break a pattern; but when you tell yourself “you always” or “you never” you risk making it a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Trust me, if you do this to yourself, you’re probably saying it to your partner, too. Change this aspect of how you handle conflict and it will pay off in better communication and problem solving — which always makes for a healthier relationship.

Understand how previously adaptive behaviors become destructive. Recognize that you probably started on your perfectionist thinking and behaviors as a child just trying to protect yourself. If you were good enough/kind enough/smart enough/popular enough, etc. you thought you could avoid pain and shame. This just isn’t true.

Now, those protective, people-pleasing, and high-achiever behaviors cause more harm than you might imagine. Understanding this root cause is usually at least one of the keys to letting go and accepting imperfection in yourself and others.

Limit your contact with toxic people. Who always makes you feel not good enough? Is it the family member constantly commenting on your weight or career? Is it the friend always one-upping you in conversations? Is it the coworker who brags about their Ivy League degree? Who leaves you feeling drained and unworthy?

While you may not be able to completely cut them out of your life, limit your contact with people who make you feel like you have to constantly hustle and people-please to be worthy. The competition they present is arbitrary at best and destructive at worse. Identify who that is for you, set healthy boundaries, and protect your peace of mind.

Face the “worst-case” scenarios that scare you, and then take away their power. “If I (insert behavior) then (this big, scary thing) will happen.” First, evaluate if that statement is even true. Most of our scary “I must” or “I could never” scenarios are not based on reality. If it’s not based in reality, why are we letting this fear control our behaviors?

If the “big, scary thing” has a realistic possibility of happening, then we need to learn to follow that up with… “And?” More often than not, the scary thing is not actually that scary.

“If I upset my mom, she will be angry… And???” It might feel scary, but ask yourself if it’s earth-shattering, life-ending scary? Then ask, “Can I actually control it?” If you can’t control it, why are you letting it rule your life and shape your decisions and behaviors?

Ultimately, to find real peace, we have accepted that we can’t control the outcome. Sometimes this is where faith — in God, the Universe, etc. comes into play.

Letting go of perfectionism requires letting go of the illusion of control.

Sometimes you can’t work on the big stuff yet. Give yourself a break and consider small ways you can start letting go of your perfectionist habits so you can build the momentum you need. As it happens, I have a shortlist right here, ready to go!

Final thoughts

Perfectionism has tunneled its way into our lives, and unless we cut it out like cancer it is, it spreads and it kills. It won’t stop with demanding perfect attendance and straight A’s, the need to follow a five-year plan for our career, or our cultural obsession with fitness. It will metastasize in your personal life and has the potential to consume you.

Ultimately, perfectionist habits, beliefs, and patterns of thinking are not built in a day. Dismantling those beliefs and deprogramming yourself will take time.

Hopefully, between my brief summary of major strategies for overcoming perfectionism (ones you might want to tackle in therapy) and the couple of authors I recommended, you too can begin to heal.

I welcome additional recommendations and insight from fellow recovering perfectionists. Every reply you offer to this piece might help someone else struggling with those same feelings, beliefs, and maladaptive behaviors.

Remember, I’m not alone, and neither are you.