Letting Go of My Identity as a High Achiever

The painful deprogramming of a perfectionist workaholic.

“Good, better, best. Never let it rest, until your good is better, and your better’s best!” If you’re a millennial like me, there’s a good chance that you saw or heard this rhyme in elementary school. I remember seeing it on posters and reciting it to myself before tests, practices, and game days.

I grew up with that mantra driving me. I was a “high achiever” all the way through elementary and high school, through college and even into my 30’s. From my GPA to extracurricular accolades, I believed that I always had to do my very best. Even earning 100% wasn’t always satisfying- not when I knew that earning 105% was a possibility. Like so many gifted students, I lived for praise from my parents, teachers, and coaches and I threw myself into studying, practicing, and performing. For me, “always do your best” meant always do your best IN EVERYTHING. I internalized it until it was part of my mental operating system and it became perfectionism. As a young adult, being a perfectionist and workaholic really was integral to my identity.

Even after earning my bachelors, doing less than my best was never an option. It permeated my work ethic after college. In various jobs, I frequently got into trouble for staying late to finish the impossible number of tasks assigned, even though all my co-workers had left hours ago. While many of my friends could walk away at the end of their shift saying “it’s good enough”, I only saw what wasn’t done. I frequently worked overtime. When that became a problem, I worked off the clock. I was proud of being so dependable, without ever seeing that this behavior would prove unsustainable.

I married a loving man and later survived a horrible pregnancy. I delivered an eight and a half pound baby boy who lifted his head on the day he was born. My nurses and parents couldn’t believe it. “Wow!” became the praise that helped me get through the postpartum pain. Soon, my small family and “being a good mom” had become another marker of excellence and yet another place where I had to do my best. I meticulously tracked my son’s growth and development and felt validated when he was in the top percentiles on every chart. It wasn’t just school or my job anymore, I wanted to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, and the perfect friend.

Then I entered graduate school and the cycle of achievement and rewards hit a level I hadn’t known was possible.

I was part of a cohort that was full of high achievers like me, and although the support was amazing, so was the pressure. The need to produce something worth publishing in a scientific journal was palpable, even when my research went completely wrong. I studied late into the nights and found myself working in the lab after midnight. I pushed myself to finish a thesis and had a 4.0 GPA at graduation, but my research was still an exercise in Murphy’s law. Things out of my control went horribly wrong and my articles were rejected from scientific journals. This failure was crushing and my confidence and sense of self-worth took a dive. I found myself avoiding any serious attempt at rewrites because I doubted that my work would ever be accepted. I also failed to gain full time employment as a college instructor. My health suffered after the birth of my second son and postpartum depression made its crushing debut.

I decided to enter therapy. With lots of help, I started challenging my assumptions and letting go of all the things I thought I needed to be. My therapist helped me see that I had personality traits consistent with Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. I was consumed with the need for control, perfectionism, was certainly a workaholic. We began the process of “deprogramming” and developing more balanced thought processes and expectations. Mostly it was management of my symptoms and self-awareness of when my personality traits and certain behaviors were becoming unhealthy. Pretty soon, I felt better! I spaced out my therapy appointments, and threw myself into a new full time job. This was a big mistake.

My new position, especially after Covid hit, had literally endless work to be done. You could work around the clock and there would always be something more to do. Of course, I fell into my old habits and after having my third son, my mental and physical health crashed yet again. I couldn’t keep up with my work and I had my first panic attacks. Finally, I realized that if my job couldn’t understand what reasonable demands were, I had to quit, because I would quite literally kill myself trying to meet impossible expectations. There’s nothing wrong with working hard, but there’s a big difference between being hardworking and working yourself to death.

Anxiety and depression forced me to re-enter weekly therapy and I even started medication. I quit my job and began working part time on a small business. All of this has given me the freedom to set my own boundaries and expectations, but even that is hard when you’re not used to having boundaries and reasonable expectations. Honestly, it’s still a struggle. I could, quite literally, never stop working in my tiny office at home. Recently, I’ve realized that all of this work, therapy, lifestyle changes, etc. won’t be enough if I can’t break free from the need to always be perfect. I need to get comfortable with my work just being “good enough”.

Further therapy, and talks with family, friends, and my former advisor, have forced me to honestly re-evaluate how I value certain traits and habits. I’ve started asking who I am if I’m not a “high achiever” any more? What makes someone “worthy” if they’re not pushing themselves to be better all the time? Where is my value, if I’m not always being recognized for yet another achievement? Why is “good” not good enough for me? Why do I always need to be “better”? Isn’t “never let it rest” incredibly unhealthy? I’m human and humans need rest!

Letting go of the need to always do my best and my identity as a high achiever has been slow, painful, and necessary. It permeated my relationships and parenting, my work, and my sense of self. I still sometimes work long hours or get overly focused and feel anxious. I fixate on getting my writing just right. Then, I have to force myself to step away and rest, or finally submit something even if it’s not perfect. I finally, really know that my value and worth as a person isn’t wrapped up in being the best at anything, but it sometimes takes a firm reminder until I believe it again for myself.

I have a hunch that unless we change, many high achievers (re: workaholics and perfectionists like me) are all just headed to an early grave after a short and stressful life. This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t work hard or that it’s never worth being “the best”. I’m just saying that trying to be the best in everything will eventually break you. Sometimes good really is good; and it MUST BE good enough.