Part 2 of Discussing My Genitals
Why you should never ask me about them prior to that hot date
TW: Various terms for genitals used. Misgendering and unconscious transphobic attitudes and behaviors discussed. Sexual language used in passing.
This writing was inspired by reading this post by KP_the_writer and fleshing out some thoughts in the comments section.
Are you feeling deceived and disappointed to learn that I won’t be talking specifically about the details of my genitals here, after reading that title?
Sigh. I’ve already discussed what’s in my pants here, if you have a burning, awkward need to know what’s going on in there.
As a man who has been polyamorous for about 5 years, I still have to think about how to approach “genital preferences” in dating, despite having been married for quite some time.
Have you ever specified to a cis man before a first date that he must have at least 152.4 millimeters of protruding genital flesh available to satisfy you?
Whew! I’m so glad you said “no” to that! Bonus points if you laughed at the ridiculousness of such a thing.
What self-respecting guy wants to grab a tape measurer just to get a free cup of coffee?!
Please tell me you were at least planning to be the one to buy the coffee after objectifying him! That’s just basic courtesy.
There’s a stereotype that transgender people like me are secretly trolling all of the dating websites to find monosexuals (heterosexuals, homosexuals, and others who have one very specific, non-negotiable “preference”) just to confuse them for my malicious amusement.
I promise it’s not part of my evil agenda to confuse you with my genitals!
On the contrary, when I see or hear that a potential partner is only interested in people of one gender, I tend to be much more cautious, not wanting to provide an unnecessary opportunity for misgendering or worse. I almost never proactively reach out to monosexuals to express sexual interest for this reason. If they express interest in me, I’m often asking strategic questions, once it feels appropriate, to find out if we are still sexually compatible. You’re not going to be surprised in the bedroom. Believe me, neither of us wants to experience your surprise.
I live in a “trans panic” state, where it’s still legal for you to murder me, if I surprise you in a bad way. Though I’m not the most common target of this among my transgender siblings, I’m painfully aware that your surprise isn’t in my best interest.
As a demisexual, I value friendships at least as much as sex, so I also don’t consider it a letdown to discover that I’ve made a new friend who is sexually incompatible with me, once I’ve asked some careful questions.
However…
How I discover that we are sexually incompatible makes a big difference in whether we can be friends later on down the road.
If your rejection is simply “I don’t think we’re compatible,” I’m not going to ask you any follow-up questions.
I have all the information I need. “No” means “no”, and it’s a complete sentence. We’re very likely to be able to salvage a friendship, if everyone’s interested in that.
If your rejection includes “I can only have sex with people who have biologically male parts,” we aren’t likely to be compatible for friendship.
The sexual TMI that you just provided is harmful on multiple levels.
Why?
A.) The use of a binary term like “biological male parts” leaves a lot unclear as my own genitals change. It hints at a lack of understanding of genital diversity, and in turn, a lack of understanding of gender diversity. Not all penises belong to a man. Not all vaginas belong to a woman. Not everyone is comfortable using either of those words to describe their genitalia. Not everyone is born with only one sex. Medical sex changes can happen at various levels, too.
B.) Having my body parts referred to as “biologically female” adds unnecessary layers of misgendering and dysphoria-inducing language to the discussion. It’s a refusal to acknowledge that I’m a real man. It demonstrates ignorance to the possibility that my sex is currently in the process of changing medically. I don’t need you to want to have sex with me for me to be a real man. I can almost guarantee that you don’t want to have sex with every single real man on this planet. If I’m wrong about that, I’m impressed. Well done. You’ve got your work cut out for you though. There are billions of us.
Are you allowed to have sexual “preferences”? Sure!
To use an old heterosexual trope in a new context, just maybe ask yourself whether everyone needs to know the gritty details of your genital preferences.
Would you begin a conversation with a romantic interest by saying “I can only have sex with partners who are comfortable yelling SHENANIGANS at the moment of orgasm”? Would you start off by mentioning your sexual thoughts about circumcision? No? Not even if these were sexual deal-breakers for you? Awesome! Maybe you also don’t need to begin that conversation with a thorough list of your potential date’s other genital requirements.
We can have dinner with someone without knowing in advance whether we are sexually compatible. We do it all the time, even when dating cis people.
Stay out of my pants, unless I’ve directly invited you in there. Thanks!
Now, I know some of you lovely people are now asking, “How can I be inclusive and signal that I’m open to dating trans men on my dating profile?”
Bless you all, and know that I’m only one trans man. Other trans men might have different opinions that I hope they will share in the comments. Other trans, non-binary, agender, gender-fluid, two-spirit, and/or gender blending people are also welcomed and encouraged to comment with their thoughts on this from their very relevant perspectives.
To be honest, at this point, I would likely never proactively reach out to someone who listed that they ‘only date people who identify as men.’ I don’t just identify as a man. I am a man. I don’t need you to humor me for diversity points meant to impress your other LGB friends with your ‘tolerance’. Experience has taught me that you writing these words on a profile somewhere doesn’t prove that I won’t still have a lot of basic, exhausting explaining to do about my gender to someone who is defensive about learning. I would rather be with someone who has humility in admitting that they may not understand my experience, than someone who has memorized all of the ‘correct’ words to say, without understanding the spirit beneath the words. What I need is very simple. I need to be seen as a man.
The important difference between me and a cis man (probably) boils down to life experience.
A cis man is of cis experience. Unless he was forcibly raised as feminine despite being assigned male at birth, we have had a very different experience. I am of trans experience. Due to a doctor’s incorrect guess, I was raised on incorrect assumptions.
“I’m only interested in men,” is a perfectly okay thing to put on a dating profile, though it might leave a trans man like me, a little shy about approaching you directly.
A profile stating “I’m only interested in AFABs” will absolutely never get a response from me as a trans man because it shows ignorance.
This makes me think that the person is highly likely to accept or reject me based on medical decisions that they may not be aware are possible for me as a trans man. Worse, this hints at decisions this person may feel entitled to influence later. It also makes me think that they might be willing to humor me about this whole ‘man’ thing, but that they would really only ever see me as a woman.
I would be much more likely to proactively reach out to a monosexual person who clearly states something like this:
“I am attracted exclusively to men of cis or trans experience.” I might have follow-up questions about how they feel about non-binary guys, but I’m a man, so I might reach out.
“I am attracted exclusively to masculine-leaning people of cis or trans experience.” I might have follow-up questions about how they feel about a man who is sometimes rather feminine, but I have a masculine side, so I might follow up.
“I’m attracted only to men of trans experience.” I would only reach out if the person saying this was also of trans experience. I understand why someone who is transgender would only want to be with someone else who is trans. There is a lot less explaining that needs to happen in that situation. If this were a cis person, I would be worried that they might be fetishizing me as a trans man.
One thing that all people who I would pursue have in common is that they are respectful in their handling of my genitals, beginning with their (lack of) discussion about them.
Sometimes what you don’t say tells me more about you than what you do say.
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