My Blooming Genitals (Ohh No! Am I Seriously Going There???)
The beginnings of the sex education I should have gotten in school, delivered haphazardly by your confused brother, a trans toddler, in the absence of a qualified adult individual willing to have this embarrassing discussion…
Please note that my willingness to discuss genitals here does not necessarily indicate my willingness to discuss it elsewhere. Thank you in advance!
CW: If you are a dear friend or cherished family member (chosen or otherwise) reading this, mea culpa. Just. Mea culpa. I still had to write and publish this hot mess for my people and those who want to respectfully discuss their genitals in (hopefully) an appropriate circumstance for that.
TW Part 1: Lots of talk about genitals, using lots of…words. If you need a writing with less explicit words, I highly recommend this one by theoaknotes. I can almost guarantee that there will be a word in my writing that doesn’t apply to you, as several of the words I use here made me want to go hide under a rock at the bottom of a giant canyon. Some words are conventional. Others, not so much. Hopefully, something will resonate, if you can make it through this with me.
TW Part 2: Vague references to some of the transphobic crap I’ve read about trans masculine genitals on my meandering, horrifically failed search for trans masculine sex education, along with my attempt at an affirming, reassuring response.
TW Part 3: I am also talking a bit about sex because I have no shame and you need to hear this, if you love someone like me, so that you at least know what questions to ask.
TW Part 4: A ton of personal medical TMI that my people may need to consider.
Now that a quarter of the article has been some form of trigger warning, let’s commence!
If you woke up to this, it is all the fault of KP_the_writer. You should seriously demand their apology once you finish washing your eyes out with bleach. Then, go read their work and follow them.
Nuns and transgender people are the only ones I know of who have ever referred to it as “down there”. My first doctor unfortunately preferred a more direct approach:
“…and then there would be clit growth. It will ALMOST BE LIKE A LITTLE TINY PENIS!”
As I listened to this portion of my very first Testosterone appointment, I discreetly lowered the volume on the computer to be mindful of the thin walls of the closet I was hiding in during my break at work to access fast internet for my doctor’s appointment.
I’m sure she hadn’t really yelled that last part. That was probably in my head, but just in case, I preferred not to give coworkers any ideas for new questions to ask about trans genitals. Ian Harvie at least has saved me from being insecure about my “tiny penis”, so I can thankfully skip buying an expensive car to compensate.
When I went to research what this “growth” looked like, I was met with a wall of transphobic text describing it.
Chasers, a word commonly used for people who fetishize trans people, described their “preferences” and requirements for the futures of their ideal trans lovers’ bodies with disgusting, often misgendering detail. To me, the difference between a chaser and a person who loves one or more of my people is all about promoting bodily autonomy. Someone who loves me doesn’t feel entitled to dictate the path of my transition. They respect the choices I make for my body, health, and mental/emotional safety. They want me to be healthy and happy, and see me as a human rather than as an object. The images the chasers painted as they described genitals like mine and those who had medically transitioned made me scared of what I would look like…down there…after taking T.
As I experienced that growth, slowly off and on over the last eight months, I was surprised and relieved to find that the changes were quite beautiful.
I was also relieved that it didn’t hurt or feel too uncomfortable, as long as I wore certain underwear during the growth spurts. It just felt a little strange. I’m not sure how to describe it. I really like the way it looks and especially love the way it feels. For the first time in my life, I find myself actually making an effort to study what “down there” looks like on a regular basis, looking forward to any more changes with curiosity, rather than fear. My relationship to my buddy is changing, too, but that topic could be a whole other writing.
There have been some new challenges, though.
- There is a layer of skin over what looks to me like a very sensitive, growing bud. That bud gets bigger or smaller depending on whether I am “hard”. To me, it looks a lot like foreskin. Stuff gets trapped in there, so I have found that I now have to gently pull the skin back to clean with water while showering.
- Speaking of “hardness”, I now experience multiple different kinds of physical turn-ons under completely separate circumstances, caused by separate things. Some things will cause my bits to enlarge. These seem to be particularly things that appeal to my sense of masculinity and things that affirm my gender. Other things will produce what I prefer to call “pre-cum”, or lubrication in my man cave. Note: You can only laugh at the idea that I call it a man cave if you can find me a better, masculine word for it! Anyway, I’ve found that the things that produce pre-cum in my man cave are also affirming, but in a different way.
Excuse me while I go bury my head in a pillow for a bit. Okay. Moving on…
- Speaking of lubrication…about 5 months in, I started having symptoms of what I prefer to call man cave atrophy. Things started to get a bit rough in there. It started with brief, sharp pelvic pains that felt a lot like my earliest, most painful experiences with menstruation in life, despite this having completely stopped by maybe my 3rd or 4th month on T. Then, while hardness was easier than ever to obtain, natural lubrication became much less frequent. The walls thinned and became more easily irritated.
- As the symptoms of atrophy continued to get worse, I was resistant to taking my second, wonderful non-binary doctor’s advice to use estrogen cream inside of my man cave because it felt like taking a step backwards. I was scared it might somehow reverse some of the positive mental health effects of T. I was also scared that it might slow, stop, or reverse the growth that I was happy about “down there”. What surprised me was that I was procrastinating with this medically essential step towards relief, even though I knew that doing so could eventually lead to me needing an unwanted hysterectomy!
- Another trip to the doctor for some urinary issues convinced me to reluctantly give the estrogen cream a try. Thankfully, the doctor used words that helped me feel more comfortable with this step. They acknowledged that this was hard for me, while reassuring me that this would not get in the way of the effects of T. If I had not had a doctor who was understanding and aware of trans issues, it scares me to think that I might not have taken the medicine that I absolutely needed. Using the estrogen cream drastically improved all of my man cave atrophy symptoms, including those regarding lubrication and man cave wall thinning, all of the urinary issues, and didn’t prevent me from continuing to experience some growth “down there” even after I finished the two weeks of using this medication. I don’t know how long growth will continue, but it hasn’t stopped at 8 months for me.
- Even with the estrogen cream, routine medical procedures like pap smears have become a source of great stress. I honestly haven’t had a pap smear since I started taking T, and am seriously dreading it. I’m certain that my medical provider being sensitive with their language regarding my genitals will make this much easier, though.
- Prior to taking T, I didn’t have much dysphoria around hearing and seeing words for genitals. I was actually pretty comfortable with all of that. As my body changes, the words to describe it and what could be done with it have become much more complicated. Some words that once were fine now feel incredibly painful to hear and cause an immediate end to the enjoyment of anything sexy. Certain forms of touch have also become much more complicated.
On that last note, my parting advice for you, if you are ever to interact with the genitals and/or other potential erogenous zones of a trans person you love, even if you have long been married to them, is to continue to ask:
“What would you like me to call…this?”
Also ask:
“What adjectives would you like me to use to describe this action or this sensation?”
Also ask:
“How would you like me to touch this? Show me.”
You may be surprised at what things feel gendered to your partner. Touch can feel gendered. Actions can feel gendered. Descriptions of actions can feel gendered.
Note that their answers to your questions may change over time, and that’s okay.
Above all, be patient. It takes time for us to learn how to experience gender-affirming love and sex!
Was this actually helpful? Desperately seeking other resources about the genitals of someone you love (including yourself)?
Once again, I will recommend this one:
KP_the_writer also dared to go boldly into that relatively unexplored terrain:
Is That a Weiner in Your Pocket or are You on T? | by KP_the_writer | T-Day and Beyond | Medium
If you have found or written other valuable information about this, please feel free to share links in the comments to make this writing a resource.
Interested in signing up for the Medium to access all of our writers’ fantastic articles for only $5/month? If you would like part of your membership fees to support me at no additional cost to you, sign up here or click on the membership link of your favorite writer to support them!
