Pardon Me, My Wounds Are Showing

Sometimes hurt lies dormant till it’s triggered again, then it shows you where you still need healing

“Physical wounds can be spotted quickly and be cured. But emotional wounds cannot be spotted. That’s the hardest wound ever.” — Schwetha Rameshan

Sticks and stones

We all have hurt inside of us from things that have happened in our lives. Sometimes we don’t realize how deeply we were affected by events or words that were said to us. Hurt can change the way we feel about ourselves, relationships, and the world in general, and we may not even know it.

Emotional wounds are real whether they come from abuse or a misunderstanding. They are part and parcel of being human. They can happen in an instant and last the rest of your life.

People react to hurt in different ways. But few of us understand how deeply the feelings that we experienced years before can permeate into our subconscious mind and shape our mindsets about ourselves and others.

I thought I was better

I thought I had come a long way in my healing. Over the years, I had uncovered some emotional wounds that had come from circumstances and relationship dynamics while I was growing up. I worked on healing them over the years, and while I figured there were still some wounds that I hadn’t identified yet, I thought I had a pretty good handle on the ones I was aware of.

Well, I was wrong.

I didn’t realize how wrong till I started going out with a man who was full of red flags.

Red flags that I ignored.

Hindsight is indeed 20/20. There were several things that were “off” about his situation and the things that he said, and looking back now, I can’t believe that I let him into my world so easily. The things he told me at the start that didn’t add up should have disqualified him immediately.

I thought I had a high standard for myself and for men. I’m pretty good at recognizing emotional wounds in other people. I may not know what the exact issue is, but you can tell when something’s not right, you know?

My problem was not in discerning the man’s character, it was in acknowledging it.

I let little comments that made me uncomfortable slide. I gave unverified claims too much leeway. You know why?

I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I was trying to be understanding. But what I was actually doing was disrespecting myself. I let a portrayed persona influence me more than the inconsistencies and the underlying uneasiness I felt. I let my insecurities and wounds overpower my instincts and my self-worth.

After that debacle, I had to do a lot of self-reflection and figure out why I had allowed myself to be disrespected, taken advantage of emotionally, and why I let a man with a lower standard of character than what I valued, into my life — why I had ignored the red flags.

I know people say that we do crazy things for love. If we have relationship wounds, and someone comes along who professes to like us, and gives us attention, it’s tempting to throw caution to the wind, but that’s dangerous. Not taking the time to learn about a person upfront is how people end up in abusive relationships.

Each of us is different

I still need healing. It’s a process. My journey is my own. We all have hurts and insecurities to overcome.

You don’t have to diminish your pain in light of someone else’s. Maybe what you went through doesn’t seem to compare to another person’s journey, but the events of your life are specific to you. You felt the feelings, you cried the tears. The hurt you feel is real. Don’t put yourself down. Don’t be embarrassed by it.

Everyone has hurts inside. You might not be able to see the outward signs of it right away, but as you get to know a person, you can read them more. If they have done some work toward healing their wounds, they may show fewer symptoms. If not, the warning signs may look like flashing neon lights.

Healing and grow

It would be great if you could read a book and be healed, or go to a few therapy sessions that inspire a “Eureka!” moment, and suddenly you’re whole again!

But that’s not how it works. In order to heal, we have to feel the pain, realize how it’s influencing our lives, and take steps to change that.

It’s worth it to heal. Your life, your spouse’s life, your kids’ lives, your friends’ lives, or whoever is in your world will be better for it. Even strangers that you meet can benefit from the better person you will grow into.

“Emotional healing is almost always a process. It takes time. There is a very important reason for this. Our heavenly Father is not only wanting to free us from the pain of past wounds, he is also desirous of bringing us into maturity, both spiritually and emotionally. That takes time, because we need time to learn to make the right choices. He loves us enough to take the months and years necessary to not only heal our wounds, but also build our character. Without growth of character we will get wounded again.” — Floyd McClung