Overcoming our jealousy to build stronger relationships

Jealousy is a hard thing to overcome, but when we do we can transform our relationships.

by: E.B. Johnson

Jealousy is a problem that plagues millions of couples around the world. When we’re plagued by fear and insecurity, it makes hard to trust anyone — especially our partners. Looking down on ourselves leads to looking down on others and seeing only the worst when we should be looking for the best. If jealousy is plaguing your relationship, it can be overcome. It’s going to require a lot of inner work, however, as well as a commitment to changing the way you see your partnerships.

Allowing jealousy to control us or our relationships is toxic, and it leads to life-shattering breakdowns as well as a diminished sense of self. In order to overcome our jealousy, we must work hard to better understand it and the way it undermines our happiness from the inside out. Stop allowing your experiences and fears prevent you from connecting on a deep and genuine level. Let go of your jealousy and build a stronger, happier relationship through a stronger, more reassured self.

Jealousy is a common problem in couples.

We all know what it feels like to be jealous, and many more of us know what it means to lose a relationship to jealousy. It’s one of hardest to overcome hurdles for any couple, and one that requires a great deal of honesty and openness. If we accept jealousy or give it space in our partnerships, we can find ourselves drifting apart and losing all sense of trust and community that we share. Jealousy is destructive, shallow and limiting. Build a happier tomorrow by embracing this understanding and applying the action you need to rediscover your joy.

It’s important to note here that there is a big difference between envy and jealousy. Envy occurs when you see someone else with what you’d like to have and are inspired to also get that thing for yourself. Whereas jealousy is a completely negative emotion and experience based on a regressive and destructive state of mind. When you’re envious, you ask yourself “How can I get that?” When you’re jealous you think, “I don’t have that — and neither should you.”

Becoming more confident in who we are and how we navigate life is the primary way we empower ourselves to let go of petty jealousy. Jealous partners are not those who encourage us to do better and to thrive. They are people that hold us back and keep us small through their own fear and insecurities. Stop allowing jealousy to undermine the happiness you find in yourself and other people. Dig deep and find the courage to be the strong and assured person you were always meant to by letting go of the distrust, the pain and the pessimism.

The root of our jealousies.

Jealousy can be inspired by a number of events, but it generally comes from 4 key places within our core. Our personalities, insecurities, obsession with control and fear of loss all come together to make a toxic brew that drives our relationships into some dark places. Finding true happiness in a partnership requires us to cultivate trust. But that starts by understanding where our jealousy stems from.

Personality piques

Sometimes, there is no substantial trauma in our past or dramatic relationship history. Occasionally, the jealousy one might experience results simply from a paranoid personality. Our personalities are formed early on and come from a combination of experiences and genetics. If you are someone with a high tendency for neuroses — then you might find that you are someone who leans toward paranoia, or an inability to trust your partners and yourself fully.

Deep-seated insecurities

Insecurity and fear are two of the primary reasons we find ourselves dealing with toxic and jealous habits. These insecurities come from a number of places, and can result from childhood trauma and heartbreaking relationship experiences alike. The longer we run from resolving these emotions and pinpoints, the worse our insecurities (and jealousy) can become.

Over-obsession and control

If you are someone who had a lot of painful experiences in your past, you can become obsessed with maintaining control in your life. You can also become obsessed with the idea of a certain image or maintaining a certain “ideal” relationship. Those these desires might come from a good place, they result in an obsessive need to control your partner and your relationship, as well as an overwhelming jealousy that’s hard to manage.

Fear of loss

Ultimately, all of our jealousy comes down to a fear of loss or a fear of missing out. Whether we have come to believe that jealousy is a necessary guarantee against cheating partners, or we just fail to see the trustworthiness in others — the only reason you get jealous is because you believe someone else is getting or giving what should rightfully be yours. It’s about possession, and it’s about not losing your “possessions”. The problem here, however, is that our partners aren’t possessions and our relationships aren’t inanimate objects that can be programmed, predicted and controlled.

Signs that jealousy is tearing your relationship apart.

In order to combat our jealousy and safeguard our relationships, we have to know the signs of possessiveness taken too far. If these symptoms sound like you, it might be a warning sign that you’re driving your partner away.

Always expecting the worst

One of the best ways to assess our jealousy is to look at what we expect from our partners and our relationships. Alwaysexpecting the worst is a common sign that you don’t trust your partner, or don’t believe that they’re capable of looking after your best interests (as well as their own). Expecting the worst of intentions from the people we’re meant to trust the most indicates our own insecurities and the fears that are pushing our partners away.

Interest alienation

Just as a jealous partner will drive us away from the social connections that give us fulfillment, they will also drive you away from the things you enjoy doing like hobbies and pastimes. This is because — to the truly jealous person — even the idea of you enjoying yourself apart from them is intolerable. It dosen’t matter if your partner is with other people or not. If you’re jealous, you’ll drive them away from anything that brings them happiness outside of you.

Social isolation

Jealousy — like abuse — has an uncanny way of leaving us (and our partners) isolated and completely removed from the people and things that matter most. This social isolation happens slowly, and as a result of both conscious intention (“I don’t want you around them because I don’t trust them”) to unconscious manifestation (scheduling a major date night when your partner had plans with their friends). However, it happens, it’s toxic to all involved as we need our outside support networks to provide perspective.

Emotional dependence

Extreme jealousy is sometimes indicated by emotional dependency; one of the most toxic ways in which our jealousy detonates our happiness. When we start to believe that our happiness can only exist within a specific relationship, we will act all kinds of crazy to ensure that relationship remains under control. On the subtle end, you might demand constant reassurance, but on the extreme end you might threaten your partner or hold the relationship hostage any time your insecurities are pricked.

Controlling behavior

No matter how you shake it, controlling behavior within a relationship is toxic and bad for all parties involved. It’s not loving to tell someone how to live their lives. This occurs when we attempt to control the way our partners and spouses act, think, or even react to the people and experiences around them. This might even include the decisions that they make and the friendships that they build. Usually, this manifestation of jealousy is the result of deep-seated insecurity.

Over-the-top contact

The way we communicate can be an important indication of the levels of jealousy we’re experiencing. If you’re always in contact and have a hard (impossible) time allowing your partner out of your sight for more than a few minutes without feeling a compulsive need to talk to them — it’s a sure-fire sign you have jealousy issues. The longer you refuse to trust you partner, the more resentful they’ll become.

Social media stalking

Think social media creeping is just for the pre-relationship stage? Think again. One of the biggest indicators of toxic jealousy (in your part) is an obsessive need to check up on your partner’s social media. While it’s perfectly acceptable to share your lives together on social media, it’s not healthy or normal to check every post, every response, or every friend request for signs of infidelity. Social media stalking is jealousy for the modern age.

Never far from sight

Are you constantly in the physical presence of your partner? Do you insist on being with them whenever they see their parents, their friends, or even their coworkers (outside of work)? Insisting on constant physical presence isn’t cute or endearing. It’s toxic and controlling. We each need our own level of independence within a relationship in order to grow. The more you allow your jealousy to fuel a physical cling, the further and further apart you’ll grow.

The best ways to overcome your jealousy and build a stronger relationship.

Stop allowing your jealousy to wreck your relationships and wreak havoc on your love life. Take charge of your own happiness and resolve those insecurities that are holding you (and your partner) back. Learn better ways to address and absolve your jealousy using these techniques.

1. Acknowledge the negative emotions

The first step in overcoming your jealousy is to embrace its existence in the first place. So many of us like to live under the delusion that we are not jealous partners, because we know that is a bad thing to be. Yet we engage in the toxic behaviors and coping mechanisms all the same, pushing away partner after partner until we find ourselves alone and unable to connect with the root of who we are anymore.

Embrace your jealousy and acknowledge it for what it is. Open up your arms to all the negative emotions it evokes, and all the negative responses it elicits from you. Get yourself a journal and keep a record of each and every time the jealousy strikes. Then immediately write down what past situation it reminds you of.

By doing this regularly, we can start to see our patterns of mistrust and the way we project our negative emotions onto our partners (rather than embracing them ourselves). Stop running away from the truth and accept the fact that you’re a jealous person. Only when you acknowledge these tendencies, can you then start to unravel the complicated tangle of knots that’s preventing you from building the relationships you want to build.

2. Take a deeper look at the truth

As humans, our emotions are powerful and moving, but they also serve a purpose. Things like sadness, anger and even anxiety can be feelings that help us to cope, grow, or protect our general safety and wellbeing. They can also inspire us and drive us toward greater truths that help us to expand our perspectives of self and love. By taking a deeper look at our jealousy, we can often uncover some important truths that help to enhance the quality of our lives. That requires courage, though, and the understanding that the only way out is through.

When you start to feel jealous, take a step back and take some time to question how you’re responding. Look at your partner and then look at yourself. Have they truly done something wrong, or have they simply (mistakenly) conjured up a painful vision from your past?

More often than not, when we demand truth from our jealousy, we find that it has very little to do with the present moment and everything to do with our pasts. Having experienced pain and heartbreak of your own, you might now be lashing out in order to drive your partners away before they have a chance to hurt you. There are a million different truths we can uncover when we take the time to get to know ourselves and the toxic patterns that prevent us connecting deeply.

3. Identify the triggers

Jealousy isn’t always a slow brewing storm that builds over time. Sometimes, they are brought on suddenly by triggers in our environment that reconnect us with the pain and trauma of our past. By identifying these triggers, we can remove a great deal of their power and restore a magnitude of control to conscious self. This identification requires honesty, however, and a willingness to see yourself and your reactions for what they truly are.

Know what brings your jealousy on and be brutally honest with both yourself and your partner about the reasons behind these reactions. If you’re insecure about something personally — admit it. If you’re untrusting because you were taught to be that way by a parent or abusive former partner — accept it.

Look at where these fears are coming from, but also look at the problematic consequences of holding onto these toxic things in your life. The more jealous you become, the more you might lash out, become paranoid, or otherwise insult the person you’re supposed to love. Spot the triggers in your environment and spot your reactions too. Be conscious of them,and use this consciousness to stop yourself in your tracks the next time you get worked up.

4. Create constructive results

Often, it’s not about stopping the jealousy cold-turkey. It’s about learning to re-channel that energy for good. Just as envy can result in some positive introspection, so too can our jealousy. Rather than just sorting through your emotional baggage and tossing it to the side, why not discover some ways to turn all the negative energy into something good and positive?

Use your jealousy as an opportunity to get better acquainted with who you are. Look at your emotions, and question them. Likewise, use this as an opportunity to get to know more about your partner and their changing needs and expectations.

Open up to each other and fully expose what’s going on. Share the experiences in your past that have led to your jealousy issues and allow them to share how your jealousy impacts their life. Remove the emotion from it and see this for what it is…an exchanging of truths. Jealousy can totally rip us apart, or it can stitch us back together. Use this regressive feeling as a catalyst to constructive growth.

5. Embrace the solo side of life

So many people think of relationships as a complete merging of two people, but nothing could be further from the truth. Building relationships isn’t about merging our identities. It’s about combining our strengths and our skills to work toward a mutual future. Individuality is key if you want to build secure and trustworthy relationships that can withstand the trials and tribulations of time.

The more you insist on merging your identities, the more lost you both will become. Without individual identities, it’s hard to keep sight of those qualities we love and are attracted to in our partners. Resentment will build and even contempt. Before you know it, you’ll be standing across a chasm staring at a stranger.

Let go of that fearful need to be “one” with your partner. Instead, embrace your individuality and embrace that solo side of life again. There is nothing wrong with having your own life, your own interests, your own friends. Branch out and get back to your roots so that you can come to your partner complete and ready to trust. The more joyful you are, the more secure you’ll feel. As that security grows, your need for jealousy and control will diminish.

6. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries

Boundaries are critical in any relationship, but it’s not just about the boundaries we set for our partners — it’s also about the boundaries we set for ourselves. If you are a jealous person, it’s necessary to put up your own limitations and consciously work to ensure that you don’t go beyond them. This included invading personal space, calling and texting constantly, or just all-out refusing to give your partner their own individuality.

Sit down with your partner and get familiar with their limits. Ask about what they need from you in order to feel trust and comfortable, and then proactively consider what steps you’re going to take to ensure you respect those limitations.

If your partner needs one night a week to get out of the house with their friends, respect that. If they express a desire to take a class or learn a new skill — encourage it. We build better and more well-rounded relationships when we come to one another happier and more well-rounded ourselves. Stop holding your partner back because you’re afraid of something that hasn’t happened, or because of a mistake already committed by someone else in the past. Embrace boundaries and safeguard them in your partnership.

7. Reshaping relationship expectations

Above all else — when it comes to letting go of our romantic jealousy — we have to learn how to reshape the things we expect from our partners and from our relationships. Many of us rush into partnerships because we are looking for someone to make us whole, or fix the pain of our past. We think that we can find validation through the physical and emotional interest of other people, but (really) we are the only ones who can provide those things to ourselves.

Reshape your relationship expectations and start being honest about how you see your partners and partnerships. If you’re looking for someone to replace a parent, or you’re looking for someone to right a past wrong — take a step back and reassess. There is no going back. There is no one who can replace the perpetrators of our pasts, and no one who can heal those invisible wounds inside.

Break down your relationship expectations and kick the toxic and lazy aspects to the curb. Step up to the plate for your own wellbeing and figure out what it is that you need to fix for yourself. Only when you’re able to take care of your own happiness, will you be able to attract a partner you can depend on. When we look for people to fix us, we give out away our personal power and open up the door to would-be abusers. Stop taking risks with your joy and get honest about what you want and what you need from a relationship; then reassess. Which of those things are your responsibility alone.

Putting it all together…

Jealousy can drive us into some toxic relationship patterns that drive our partners away from us. When we refuse to address the fear and insecurities that plague us, they often manifest through the destruction of the bonds we share with the people we love most. If we truly want to find partnerships that stick, we have to learn to let go of our jealousy…but that’s a process that requires some radical self-acceptance and self-actualization.

Stop running away from the negative emotions and the negative thoughts and start embracing them for what they truly are. Lean into your pain and sort it out, so that it no longer holds you back from connecting with other people. Take a deeper look at what your jealousy is trying to tell you to address and identify the triggers that take you back to those places where you see yourself as small or weak. Don’t let your jealousy push away the person that you love. Instead, ask it probing questions and transform it into something more constructive. Find your individuality again and understand that you are capable of standing on your own — without the definition of another human bing. We alone are responsible for our own happiness in this life. Set boundaries for yourself and for your relationship; don’t let your insecurities violate those boundaries. Reshape your relationship expectations and understand that (at the end of the day) you and you alone have the power to by joyful or be miserable. No one else can fix you, and no one else can make you whole. That is a journey you have to make on your own.