Don’t let your new relationship energy get out of control

N.R.E. is a big deal, but we have to learn to control it or it will burn our relationships to the ground.

by: E.B. Johnson

The thrill of a new relationship is like no other, and it’s an experience that can bring out both the best and the worst in us. When we meet someone knew and engage in a mutual journey with them, it can expose things within us that we never knew existed, but this same energy too can overwhelm us and cause us to lose sight of the things we really want in our lives.

New relationship energy is a powerful tool when we know how to wield it, but it’s something that takes time and understanding to master. This effervescent glee has some truly transformative powers, but can also cause us to detach and become a person that we don’t truly recognize. If you want to harness the power of those new relationship butterflies for good, you have to learn how it works and accept the good and bad ways in which it impacts you. Through these techniques, we can come to harness this energy for good, and come to use it throughout our relationships in a way that empowers us to bloom.

What is new relationship energy?

We’ve all experienced that feeling at the start of a new relationship when everything is exciting and exhilarating. Joining a partnership with someone who we find attractive or intriguing can be a fantastic experience, and one that reveals fantastic new truths about ourselves and the way we connect and exist within the world. Often referred to as “new relationship energy” — this feeling is both dynamic and complex…and can undermine our happiness in a number of ways if not managed.

New relationship energy — or N.R.E. — is not the same as a crush. While a crush or romantic interest might give you feelings of excitement or “butterflies”, it doesn’t require the same interest, focus and commitment on behalf of both parties involved. NRE is a bit more like a honeymoon period, where you and your partner find yourself newly engaged on a journey of discovery together, in a way that is transformative for you both.

Think of it like that period when you just can’t wait to discover more; when you want to go on new adventures, plan travel, meet family, and see just how far you can take it as a couple. It’s a really invigorating time, and it’s a time that can really help us explore new facets of our personality and ability. It’s also a time that can be challenging and consuming, however, so it’s important that we understand our new relationship energy in order to manage it and prevent it from undermining our happiness.

The upside of new relationship energy.

N.R.E. can be one of the most rewarding and transformative experiences in our lives when we know how to identify it for what it is, and manage it for its more limiting aspects. Ultimately, it comes down to the excitement of the experience and the overwhelmingly positive emotions they inspire within us.

This type of excitement can encourage us to open up and become more vulnerable — an invaluable asset in our pursuit for personal growth. This openness helps us to figure our more about ourselves, and more about our own strengths and abilities; in ways that can also allow us to resolve past pains and create lives that are more in line with what we truly want.

The downside of new relationship energy.

As with anything — there are several downsides to N.R.E. — but nothing that can’t be managed with the right know-how. While our positive emotions can allow us to get carried away, it’s imperative we know how to spot the signs of limitation in our new relationships, so we can work to correct them before they destroy our happiness and intimate connections.

Some people don’t get these feelings

It’s important to realize that our society high encourages the whole cultural script of new relationship energy. You see it in movies, and you see it all over T.V. and in fiction — but some people don’t experience N.R.E. and that’s okay too. The pressure placed on many to go through these rollercoaster of emotions is high, however, and can cause those who do not experience these feelings to become detached or pressured into relationships and intimate experiences that do not suit them.

Over-idealizing

When we get into new relationships, the feelings run strong and that can cause them to become overwhelming if not managed. Those who allow themselves to get swept up in the obsessive new feelings can sometimes find themselves over-idealizing their partners in ways that set them up for inevitable disappointment and failure.

Using it to cover up old wounds

Because N.R.E. feels so good, it can be addictive. It can also become a means by which we seek to resolve or “medicate” some of the most unpleasant aspects of our lives like childhood trauma, though it is neither built for nor equipped for such a challenge. This can lead to far too much pressure being put on the relationship, or a partner who is constantly searching for the “next best thing”. N.R.E. is an enticing and wonderful feeling, but it can be a damaging one too if not managed appropriately.

Signs you’ve got big N.R.E.

There are several signs that you’ve got N.R.E. running strong. If you and your partner are exhibiting these signs, it’s a great time to bond and get closer through things like shared experiences. Once you fully understand your new relationship energy, you can harness as a powerful force for good within your budding partnership.

You’re actually in a relationship

It’s important to remember that NRE isn’t the same as having a crush. By definition, new relationship energy requires the formation of a relationship, and all the experiences that that formality (even if it doesn’t have a standard label) entails. Though it might feel similar to the fizzy, butterfly feeling — it’s more like a “honeymoon period” than a new exploration of initial connection. NRE’s, be definition, are reciprocated and require the returned feelings of a contributing partner.

Respect is running high

At the start of our relationships, respect should be running high. Both partners should see one another as independent facets of a bigger masterpiece, and should encourage one another to do their best and pursue the things that suit them. Likewise, both partners should be making lots of space of opinions, perspectives and expressions of both love and independence.

Anxiety is behind you

If you find your new relationship causing you to leave the anxiety of your old life behind, it might be a sign that you’ve got really strong N.R.E. that could be harnessed to bring good things into your life. This isn’t to say that all your anxieties will just magically disappear, but if worries like cheating, comparisons or not being “good enough” suddenly disappears…it’s a definitive green flag to move forward and push on with the good vibes.

Opening up is easy

New relationship energy inspiresr all kinds of positive feeling in us, and that can make it easier to open up. During this stage, it’s easier to be honest about your feelings, and it’s often easier to manage feelings and open up to one another even in the midst of a disagreement. This is because there is a certain safety in attraction, and a desire to feel comfortable while providing a sensation of comfort — no matter the cost. Opening up is easier when we’ve got N.R.E. and it’s not hard to see why.

You’re intimate on every level

The start of a new relationship is usually the time in which we’re most intimate with one another. This isn’t to say it’s just sex, though that is usually a big part of the equation. When you have big N.R.E. you also crave intimacy on different and even more personal levels, which might require deep sharing or creating new experiences that have deep results.

How to keep your new relationship energy strong (and manageable).

There are a number of ways to both manage and keep your N.R.E. in check. From learning how to find the balance in the 4 a’s, to creating a positive mindset that allows both you and your partner to thrive — if you really want to harness your new relationship energy for good, these are the techniques you should incorporate in your everyday life.

1. Get familiar with the 4 a’s

Relationships are dynamic and complex, but that can be especially true for the first passionate stages. The honeymoon stage is a feel good time, but it’s also the time in which it’s important to keep focused and centered around yourself and the things you want in your future. This, along with the 4 a’s (appreciation, admiration, adoration and acceptance) can help us bloom within relationships that are likewise blooming and bringing joy into our lives.

When things get rough or you find yourself stuttering within your N.R.E. — look for things about both yourself and your partner that you admire, adore, appreciate or accept. Take a trip down memory lane and consider things that you conquered (on your own or with your partner) and consider the skills and abilities that you wielded in order to overcome what you needed to overcome. The stress of life can cause us to dip and lose sight of what’s important within ourselves and our relationships, but we can refocus by centered ourselves around the 4 a’s.

It’s important during this first stage not to lose sight of yourself within this mix of admiration, appreciation, acceptance and adoration. No matter how great our partners might be, or how great our intentions might be starting out — it is impossible to create positive and growth-worthy relationships without applying these same principles to ourselves. Love yourself, and keep yourself in sight within this exciting new relationship energy. Don’t let everything be centered around the other person. Find the balance and love yourself as hard as you love the other person. This is how you create a relationship that thrives, rather than overwhelms.

2. Do new things together

Doing new things together is one of the best ways to both maintain your new relationship energy and manage it. New experiences created shared skills and abilities, and it also inspires a dopamine response that allows us to connect with our partners on a deeper and more meaningful level. Look for things that are fun and create excitement, and look for things that allow you to express your N.R.E. in fulfilling ways. There’s no right or wrong way to do it, the only thing you can do wrong is let thing grow stale when you have this great energy to harness.

You don’t have to jump out of an airplane or book a million-dollar holiday. Just look for things that are new to you both, or places that allow you both to come to the table as equals, ready to explore yourselves and the places around you. Make it a regular staple of your quality-time together, but make it accessible enough that it doesn’t cause excess stress in your life. Get creative. Part of the fun (and the challenge) can be sitting down and creating the plan. It’s a multi-level way to manage your N.R.E. and a great way to bond on new levels that are both more efficient and deeper in a number of ways.

When we approach new and unknown experiences with our partner, we create both bonds and memories that are unique. This makes it easier to be vulnerable, and allows us to create new trust and securities that makes it easier to get past challenges and see the best in both ourselves and those we love. Doing new things together, simple though it might be, is a powerful tool that can really boost our relationships, but it’s a technique that takes a conscious effort. Just going for a little every-now-and-then isn’t enough. These experiences need to be regular to work. As we grow and change, so should our memories, and so should the experiences we share with the people we love most.

3. Finesse conversation skills

Communication is the most important aspect of any relationship, but it’s a skill that takes a lifetime of finesse. In order to keep your N.R.E. from overwhelming you, you’ve got to open up and start communicating when you feel as though things are becoming too hot or too heavy to take on. Only by learning how to communicate what we need can we set the boundaries that are required to keep our new relationship energy from overwhelming us.

Know your communication style and use it to stand up for yourself when something feels like it’s too much, or things are moving too fast. Consider (closely) what you need and don’t need from a relationship in order to thrive, and don’t allow your point of view to be trampled in favor of the other person’s. Open up to honest feedback, but also don’t hold back from your own truths. Fine-tune your timing and leave room for your partner to express themselves, but don’t stand for things that don’t suit you.

Conversation is important, and when we’re in relationships we should be having them all the time. Talk about what’s important to you, talk about what’s important to them. Talk about what you like, what you don’t like; what’s working and what’s not working. Our relationships are only as true and as lasting as the honesty we apply to them. Finesse your conversation skills and use them to really fine-tune your N.R.E. in a way that allows you to create a partnership that benefits you both.

4. Let things unfold

Because new relationship energy feels so great, we often pursue more and more of it, until it gobbles us up or entirely overwhelms us; and we find ourselves standing naked in the light of day and completely alienated from the things that bring us real authentic happiness. The key to avoiding this pitfall is to avoid the gobble and let things unfold organically. By letting things unwind as they will, we give ourselves the power to bloom at our own speed within the relationship. Something which is invaluable in helping us to retain our independence and perspective within the budding partnership.

Don’t hurry into a settled routine, and don’t try to force your relationship into some box that you think has to be checked by a certain deadline. We don’t have to go from meeting one another to living together in three months. We don’t have to get married and have 2.5 kids within the 10-year benchmark. There are no benchmarks and every single relationship is different. Only by letting things unfold organically can we uncover the true beauty and depth of our relationships, but that’s something that can at times make us feel both impatient and uncomfortable.

Part of the exhilarating thrill of new relationship energy is the unknown. You’re discovering new aspects of your partner (and yourself) every single day, and learning new things about how the world works when you move through it as a partnership rather than a singleton. If you force things into a(n) (un)comfortable place too soon, you’ll strip away all of the positive feelings that make getting intimate — both physically and emotionally — a thrill that’s both exciting and intriguing. Slow down and savor the moment. Let things unfold naturally and you’ll allow your N.R.E. to linger in the best possible way.

5. Stay positive

Just like everything else in our lives, our relationships are majorly impacted by the quality of our thoughts and the way in which we choose to see the world around us. Our relationships tend to go in the direction we guide them; if we start off believing in the worst possible outcomes, that’s generally what tends to manifest. Likewise, approaching your new relationships (and the energy that they bring) with positivity can equal big and lasting results that empower you to transform from the inside out.

Keep the positivity high, and work hard to combat any negative feelings that might push your N.R.E. into a place where it’s either non-existent, or transformed into something overwhelming or controlling. Keep laughing and spend lots of time doing things together that bring you closer, rather than draw you apart.

Our thoughts are powerful, and they create the things that surround us in our lives. If you believe that your relationship is powerful and happy and capable of withstanding the hardest challenges in life, those thoughts will inspire the actions and behaviors in you (and your partner) that then bring those things about. The reality of our partnerships is dictated entirely by how we think about ourselves and our partners. Focus on positivity, and don’t let your N.R.E. run the show with it’s flash mood swings and sudden and abrupt halts in the road. Find the silver lining and focus on it when things run thin.

Putting it all together…

New relationship energy is both exciting and invigorating, but it can overpower us or fade away if not carefully managed. Though it’s powerful, N.R.E. isn’t always good for us, and can be used to mask as number of issues or conflicts we’re not letting bubble to the surface. While it’s alright to revel in the joy of a new relationship, it’s not okay to let those emotions get in the way of where we’re going or what we want. If you want to use your N.R.E. for good, you have to learn how to maintain and manage it, but that’s something that takes conscious effort and a lot of understanding.

Get familiar with the 4 a’s and apply it not only to your relationship with your partner, but your relationship with yourself as well. Do new things together and created shared experiences that allow you both to boost your self-confidence and thrive together through shared memories. Finesse your conversation skills and open up about what you want and what you need, while leaving room for your partner to do the same. Let things unfold naturally and don’t try to force yourself or the other person to fit into some preconceived “box” or concept of what a relationship should be. Only the two of you know what works for you. Use your new relationship energy to explore those boundaries and be honest while staying positive and focused on the things you both want from this life and your relationship.