Overachievers, Resilience Fatigue, and How to Cope

Repeat after me: “Success is important, but not at the expense of everything else that really matters.”

So, here I am, making small talk with Dorothy and the Cowardly Lion. It’s just the three of us walking down the yellow brick road heading towards the Great Wizard of Oz.

And if you’re wondering where the Scarecrow and the Tin Man are, they’re doing shots with some munchkin friends at a bar a few miles back.

They’re celebrating because they got what they wanted. I gave my brain to the man of straw and my heart to the Tin Man.

And though they may be praising my generosity as we speak, the truth is I gave them things these things because I didn’t want them anymore.

You see, throughout this pandemic, these body parts have become more of a nuisance than a blessing.

In the beginning, I had hope this virus would die quickly. Then I hoped it would go away in time for my son’s prom. Then I hoped it would go away to allow me to sit in the stands and watch my son graduate. Then I hoped it would be gone in time for the holidays.

Then, news of a vaccine spread, and Hope? That bird flew into the sunshine like a winged diamond and carried my heart with it.

But not too long after, it was shot down by Delta and Omicron.

My heart survived, but I didn’t want it anymore. It hurt too much to hope, dream, believe, and continually be disappointed.

And my brain?

Just as battered.

I didn’t want to think about air-borne particles that catapulted my anxiety through the roof. I didn’t want to think about how wonderful life used to be before masks and hand sanitizers. And I sure as hell didn’t want to think about adapting to a new normal that made me want to throw up.

So it felt good to give my heart and brain away to someone who wanted them.

And now all I want is what Dorothy and the Lion do — to be brave enough to remain focused on my dreams and click my heels back to my old life.

And if you’re feeling the same physical, mental, and emotional exhaustion as me, there’s a name for it.

It’s called resilience fatigue.

Resilience fatigue: What is it, and why does it happen?

The definition of resilience fatigue is best stated by Peter Butko in his article “Managing Resilience Fatigue.” He details it as the following:

“[Resilience fatigue] is the exhaustion people experience from attempting to act motivated, inspired, and positive. To keep smiling. To demonstrate how tough they are. Basically, it’s what happens when you keep the engine revving too high for too long.”

And in a society that preaches that the way out of any problem is grit and optimism, those of us with resilience fatigue feel powerless and beyond help.

We wonder why everyone else is holding up so well when we have to pretend. We marvel at those who claim to be thriving when we feel hollow and hopeless. We wonder how these people can spring out of bed feeling like they’re going to conquer the world while it takes everything we’ve got to walk to the shower and get ready for work.

And it should come as no surprise that those of us who are overachievers are the ones most quickly and severely affected by this type of fatigue.

Here’s why.

Overachievers and Resilience Fatigue

Most overachievers have lived their lives on the brink of burnout, so the changes bought on by Covid are extra debilitating.

For example, to truly understand why resilience fatigue impacts overachievers the hardest, you have to look at their shared traits.

Therapist Ann Stoneson lists some of the hallmark feelings and actions of the overachiever. They are as follows:

• Lack of self-care and disregard for personal needs
• Guilt when they don’t work, produce, or excel
• “Time urgency “or round the clock exertion to finish as many tasks as possible
• People-pleasing behaviors and a fear of letting others down

Now don’t get the idea that all overachievers are CEOs, doctors, or other important people with status or wealth.

Overachievers can be working mothers who struggle to be moms, chefs, chauffeurs, and employees of the month.

Overachievers can be sixty-year-old retirees who care round the clock for a sick or aging parent while their own physical and emotional gas tank is on empty.

Overachievers can be fathers who work two jobs to support their family and save for their child’s college education.

Overachievers can be teachers, waitresses, or cashiers with big dreams, people who come home from the daily grind and immediately start grinding away at their craft.

And if you are one of these overachievers, let me warn you.

This constant pushing and producing and pushing some more will transform resistance fatigue into full-on burnout, and if this happens, you’re looking at some significant recovery time.

And that’s something no overachiever wants to be subjected to.

Ways to Cope

Author Michael Gungor says:

“Burnout is what happens when you try to avoid being human for too long.”

And overachievers?

Most of us think we’re machines.

We give one-hundred percent to everything we do, which means we have nothing left for ourselves.

However, the more we burn the candle at both ends, the more likely it is for resilience fatigue to increase.

And being an overachiever myself, I’m not going to tell you to stop bringing work home or take a week off from your job work to recuperate. These steps would be like asking a two-pack-a-day smoker to quit cold turkey.

But there are steps you can take. Here are a few.

Prioritize and set boundaries

Repeat after me. “I can’t do it all.”

And then?

Don’t do it all.

For example, decide a reasonable amount of time to work and a reasonable amount of time off.

On your workdays, prioritize and set time limits. Decide what’s most pressing and only focus on these things. For example, if you have a presentation coming up, work on it only for your designated time limit. Then stop.

And on these days, let those two hours of work be all the work you do.

Don’t do the laundry. Instead, hide it in your bedroom where you can’t see it. Then watch television with your partner.

Don’t cook dinner. Order delivery, take a hot bath, and cuddle up on the couch with a good book.

And no guilt. (I know, easier said than done, right?)

Work on eliminating negative self-talk

Repeat after me. “I am doing the best I can, and I deserve to recharge. My world will not fall apart if I take time for myself.”

You see, the problem with overachievers is that their biggest bullies live in their heads.

And the king of the “bully list?”

Guilt.

That’s why we need to shut this guy up asap.

Overachievers feel guilty when they do anything they feel is unproductive. For example, if they watch a two-hour movie, they lose about half the plot because their mind is saying, “You’re being lazy. You know what you need to do. If you want to reach the top, you need to get off your butt and do (fill in your particular blank here).”

And when this happens, repeat after me: “Perfection is a myth. I will do my best, but I will also live my life. I will create memories with the ones I love. I will enjoy the beauty of the world, and I will refuse to regret focusing on the truly important things in life.

A little thing that might help that guilt disappear?

Nurse Bronnie Ware, author of The Top Regrets of the Dying, cites the five most common regrets her terminal patients confess on their deathbed. They are as follows.

• “I wish that I had let myself be happier.”
• “I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.”
• “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
• “I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”
• I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”

Looking at these deathbed regrets, we overachievers need to ask ourselves this question: How many of these same regrets will I have at the end of my life if I continue on as I am?

As for me, I’m looking at the list and hoping to God I don’t die soon. Because if I did, I’d be drowning in sorrow.

Guilt over a less-than-stellar work project? Sucks, right?

Guilt over missing five of your son’s baseball games because you worked overtime? This, this, will be the thing that makes tears roll like rivers in your last days.

So think about that future moment. A lot. You’ll be amazed at how effective it will be against the bad guys in your head who tell you you’re a loser because you take a break now and then.

The bottom line:

We overachievers think we’re rubber bands — resilient objects that always bounce back no matter how hard we’re pulled.

Well, perhaps we should think again.

After all, I’ve seen a hell of a lot of broken rubber bands in my lifetime, and you probably have too.

There’s always, always a breaking point.

And this lovely pandemic that’s been hanging around for what seems like forever?

It’s moved us all closer and closer to that point.

Martial artist Bruce Lee said:

“Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.”

And only by bending, by acknowledging our breaking points and taking care of ourselves, can we thrive.

So bend. Feed your body, your soul, and your spirit.

You’ll be surprised at how doing so will give you the energy to achieve the great things you dream of.

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