How the Japanese Philosophy of Arugamama Can Increase Your Well-Being and Success

It’s against most of the advice you’ve heard, but maybe that’s the reason it will work.

I’m at least twenty feet down in a mid-life crisis. And I’m raging against all the not-so-wonderful things that come with aging: menopause, new lines and wrinkles, and the realization my teens only hang out with me when excruciatingly bored.

So what do I do?

I put on my gloves and step into the ring, determined to fight age and time.

I take anti-depressants and slather on hundred-dollar skin creams. I try to lure my teens back to me with offers to watch their favorite movies or eat at their favorite restaurants.

And guess what?

Very little is changing (except my growing level of disappointment and anger).

So when I read about the Japanese term “arugamama,” I was both intrigued and skeptical.

It proposed that I accept my problems. And this was unthinkable to me, a girl who’s believed most of her life that she could change the whole world if she tried hard enough.

But let me tell you, the whole idea sounded immensely inviting.

Just letting it be. Confessing that I couldn’t change some things in my life, much less the entire world.

And when I read more about arugamama, I began to understand that it wasn’t just about accepting. It was about accepting and acting. This was when I knew its ideology was worthy of deep consideration.

And maybe you’re also tired of shoving your emotions into a closet and flighting blindfolded against the forces of fate.

If so, the principles of arugamama may be worthy of your consideration as well.

What is Arugamama?

In her novel The Spiritualist, Megan Chance writes:

“You learned to run from what you feel, and that’s why you have nightmares. To deny is to invite madness. To accept is to control.”

This idea is often scoffed at in most Westernized countries.

We are taught to believe acceptance is the coward’s way out. It’s pounded into our heads that acceptance means giving in and making ourselves powerless. And thousands of self-help books promote the same belief system, stating things such as “You are limitless” or “Your destiny is all up to you.”

However, the Japanese concept of arugamama argues that there can be no power without acceptance.

In Matt Ray’s article “How to Use Lessons from Japanese Psychology to Fight Inaction and Achieve Your Dreams,” he summarizes the idea at the heart of arugamama. He states arugamama is understanding that “an acceptance of things the way that they are is a key requirement for taking action.”

And if you really think about it, the idea makes great sense.

As hard as we may try and as much as we may hear that we can change our emotions with a few easy actions, the reality is that often this is impossible.

Psychologists call this the “white bear problem,” which means that negative emotions grow in strength when we try to push them away.

Psychology Today clarifies, citing that if someone tells you to stop thinking about a white bear, “the white bear image will stay in your mind.”

This is where the acceptance that is so much a part of arugamama comes in.

If pushing the thought away is impossible, then coming to terms with it may be the only way to move past the psychological roadblocks to take action.

And the whole practice of arugamama can be understood most simply with 3 “A’s.”

Acknowledge. Accept. Act.

The Three “A’s” of Arugamama

Acknowledge your feelings.

If you’re experiencing a physical, mental, or emotional hurdle, ask yourself, “What am I feeling?”

Give the question some deep thought because there’s often more than one emotion at work.

For example, if you’re unhappy with your job, ask yourself why. Examine your emotions.

Maybe you come up with the following things:

• “I feel embarrassed because I make so little money compared to my friends.”
• “I feel unvalued because my efforts and achievements go unrecognized.”
• “I feel unhappy because my job is not where my true passions lie.”
• “I feel angry my coworkers ignore my ideas and opinions.”

Now that you have admitted your emotional state, the next step is accepting both your feelings and your current situation.

Accept your present circumstances for what they are.

When we’re dissatisfied with life, we want change, and we want it right now.

However, the majority of times, this is simply out of the question.

And refusing to accept the reality of a situation keeps you from moving towards a solution.

As J. K. Rowling says in her bestselling book Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire,

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”

Now, let’s go back to the example where you’re unhappy with your job. What things must you acknowledge and accept?

• If there are no outside financial reserves, you must accept that for the moment, you will have to continue working in your present situation.
• You must accept that a new job will mean a learning curve.
• You must accept that a new job may impact your whole family dynamic.
• You must also accept that a new job may bring as much dissatisfaction as the job you work now.

And arugamama emphasizes that only by coming to terms with these things will you be ready to act effectively.

Because by accepting these truths, you gain more emotional control over the situation and can better respond to challenges that may present themselves in the future.

Psychology Today cites a quote from John Kabat-Zinn’s book Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness to explain the advantages of acceptance:

Acceptance doesn’t by any stretch of the imagination mean passive resignation. Quite the opposite. It takes a huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work mindfully as best as you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in, and with the resources at your disposal, to be in wise relationship to what is, which may mean at some point acting to mitigate, heal, re-direct, or change what can be changed.

Act on the situation at hand.

Living Well With Illness presents a way of understanding the final step of arugamama. It involves asking yourself a simple question:

“With things as they are, what can I do now?”

Consider the work example once more.

Not that you’ve acknowledged your feelings and come to grips with your current situation, what actions can you take?

• You can devote time after work to looking at other job opportunities.
• You can note skills or credentials required in jobs that interest you and seek to acquire them.
• You can put in applications.
• You can even take actions that may help you be better satisfied with the job you have now. For example, you could speak to those in charge, respectfully express your dissatisfaction, and discuss potential solutions or opportunities for change.

And though I’ve used job dissatisfaction as an example of implementing arugamama, you may have other difficulties plaguing you. Maybe you have a debilitating illness. Maybe you have relationship struggles. Maybe you simply suffer from generalized anxiety or depression.

Whatever your particular conflict is, accept the underlying issues and emotions surrounding the problem and then ask yourself what you can do “with things are they are.”

Then make a list and get to it.

The Bottom Line:

Spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle seems to echo the principles of arugamama when he advises the reader to do the following:

“Accept — then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it…This will miraculously transform your whole life.”

To be honest, transforming my life right now sounds pretty darn good. And changing my approach by embracing arugamama may be the best way to start my transformation. It may also be the best way to start yours.

So give it a try, and see what happens.

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