One Lesson I Wish I Learned Earlier About Relationships
That would’ve saved me a lot of pain.
Relationships and The Lesson Learned
Only having been in one proper relationship, I’m far from experienced or knowledgeable about them. I know a lot more about what it means to be single, and to wish you weren’t. I’ve seen plenty of romantic movies, but they’re authentic only to a point.
For one, not every relationship will have a happy ending. Not every relationship will entail family drama and humorous, embarrassing moments. A lot of action we see in romantic movies is for just that — a movie. It happens because the creators think critics and viewers will enjoy it and they’ll get more money in return.
In fact, those romantic movies are where I learned this misunderstanding that hurt me for months.
The beginning of your first genuine relationship has plenty of joys, but it has its challenges too. You learn what discussions trigger your partner and when they need the most attention and care from you. They learn the same about you. You learn their love languages, how you can show them love best, and you try to not let your love language hurt you when you get too caught up in it specifically. You try to not let your attachment style get in the way of you feeling loved and special either.
I’ve come to understand a lot about love, but if there’s one fundamental lesson I didn’t know about relationships and wish I understood before I was months in, it’s this: The “honeymoon phase” isn’t all perfect. It’s not always feeling over the moon.
Sometimes it’s pain. It’s liking and loving someone so much that all of their pain feels like the end of the world. It’s anxiety and hurtful empathy.
While these feelings aren’t pleasant, they’re normal. In time, you’ll learn how to separate your feelings from theirs and better handle their pain.
I’m thankful for my friends who have more relationship experience and shared this with me as I expressed my hurt. Without them and their knowledge, I don’t know where I’d be. I think more than anything, I wanted to know that I wasn’t alone in this feeling, and that it would end.
I wondered what was wrong that made my relationship so rollercoaster-like, even though neither of us was doing anything wrong. I wondered if I was just too empathetic and sensitive, and if I would hurt forever.
So, I sighed in relief when I heard them say, “Yeah, that’s totally a part of the honeymoon phase,” and “You’ll get over it in a few months to a year.” While I knew relationships were work, I felt emotionally exhausted, and I needed this affirmation from them.
How to Handle Those Emotional Moments
As someone who’s highly sensitive and empathetic, I know what it’s like to feel powerless to your emotions. I know what it’s like to feel hopeless in your ability to help yourself or your partner feel better. Getting to a more stable place with your emotions takes time and work, and your progress will be nonlinear. Be patient with yourself and your emotional sensitivity.
Here are five of my therapist’s suggestions on how to handle those tough moments:
Distance yourself mentally from your partner and their pain, realizing everything that’s okay and that has gone well.
Realize that you are an independent person and try to not become too enmeshed with your partner. Think about all that’s going fine in your life and your other relationships. Think about your friends who are doing well and who care about you. Don’t get too caught up in how your partner is feeling or how you can help, especially since there’s only so much you can realistically do.
Don’t give too much positive reinforcement to where your care becomes a new love language.
While you want to take care of your partner, don’t give them so much wonderful love that they feel like they need to be sick or hurt to receive that level of love again. Support them, but don’t overdo it. As someone who loves the feelings that come from someone taking care of and caring about me (even though I hate the pain that causes it), I totally understand this phenomenon.
Know you both have gotten through this before, and can get through it again.
“I’ve gotten through this before; I can do it again,” is a helpful mantra to repeat in your head. Remember all the times you made it through and all the joyous times you’ve experienced in between the not-so-great moments. Have faith in yourself, your strength and your partner’s strength. Know better moments are ahead and push through.
Distract yourself.
What activity can you do now that’s enjoyable and helps keep your mind off of the situation? Maybe watching a funny video, texting a friend, or playing a game on your phone? Distractions are often the key in getting through emotional situations.
Use your experiences — what helped in the past that you could try again?
Think back to previous times you found yourself in this situation. What helped? Talking about what you noticed with your partner? Trying to help them feel better? Sitting in an adjacent room? Talking to a friend? Try to be mindful during these experiences about what makes you feel better so the next time won’t be as bad.
In addition, one mantra a friend sent to me on Instagram really helped me realize how I deserve to take care of myself during those painful moments too. So often I get caught up in helping others that I neglect my triggers and emotions. I’m so thankful for her and for her sending me that post, because reading it really changed my mindset too.
The post, written by psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera, or @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram, said this:
2020 Vibes: I no longer need to betray myself to receive love.
According to therapist and health coach Maria Sosa, or @holisticallygrace on Instagram, we can self-betray in a relationship by saying “it’s okay” when it’s not, overextending ourselves to show love and taking care of others but not ourselves.
These posts helped me realize that taking care of myself didn’t make me selfish, and that I needed and deserved some self-care. Doing what I need to be okay is important too, and it also helps me be a better partner.
Yes, You Can Have Hope
After almost a year and a half into the relationship, I can tell you this: If you’re in a similar situation, you can have hope. While my stomach still churns when my partner hurts, I know how to handle those moments and I’m not as emotionally reactive to them anymore.
I know everything will be okay. I know how to tune down my anxiety and take a breath. I know I have people who support me, and that everything will be just fine.
If you’re struggling like I have, know that nothing is wrong with you. Your emotional sensitivity is admirable and you won’t feel this way forever. You’re a loving person who’s not doing anything wrong.
The honeymoon phase isn’t all rainbows and unicorns, but there’s still a lot to be grateful for — in and out of it.