One Important Question You Need to Ask Yourself Before a Divorce

And it’s simpler but way more complicated than you think.

There’s one important question you need to ask yourself before a divorce. It applies to both men and women. And it’s simpler but more complicated than you think.

The question is the simple part.

The complicated piece comes from underestimating the question.

Let me explain and then I’ll get to the all-important question.

One day I’m sitting in my marriage counselor’s office. I’m marinating on the idea of divorce. I’m miserable but I can’t bring myself to do it. My husband has refused to return to counseling. He doesn’t like what our marriage therapist is telling him.

“Your husband is one of the three most extreme personalities I have ever counseled,” says our psychologist marriage counselor.

I collect his words as validation.

He sees through my husband’s charismatic demeanor.

Ultimately, I choose to get a divorce.

I know my husband is controlling. I know he is passive-aggressively controlling which makes him manipulative and unpredictable. I know he doesn’t do anything he doesn’t want to do. I know he is rigid. I know he has no interest in conflict resolution. It’s his way or no way.

I know my husband does not negotiate.

I know there is no middle-of-the-road with him.

I know he is punishing and retaliatory when I anger him.

I know my husband cares about one thing…money. I know our marriage has a history of proving that no matter what my husband ultimately gets his way.

What I didn’t know was this was divorce foreshadowing.

It was telling me exactly what type of divorce I was going to experience.

Here it is…

The one important question you need to ask yourself before a divorce.

What type of personality am I married to?

It will tell you exactly who you will be divorcing.

Is your wife controlling? Is your wife unpredictable? Is your wife vengeful? Is your wife manipulative? Is your wife unreasonable? Is your wife spoiled?

Is your husband insecure? Is your husband abusive? Is your husband dishonest? Is your husband immature? Is your husband selfish?

Or vice versa, because all of these traits are obviously not gender exclusive. Men and women are capable of having these less-than-favorable personality characteristics

One or two or three or even more of them.

Ask yourself who am I married to?

Is your spouse an extreme personality?

Are they beyond difficult? Do they have a personality disorder? Do they have a substance abuse problem?

But this isn’t just a question of extremes, or all or nothing.

One of these personality traits can still potentially extend the length and conflict of a divorce. A person who is controlling in nature may still be difficult to divorce. A person who tends to be stubborn could still be difficult to divorce.

A person who is vengeful may not be over their anger that the marriage failed. A controlling person may be unwilling to negotiate terms. A deceitful person may be hiding money. A manipulative person may be attempting to confuse the children.

Any of these things will compound the pain and turmoil of a divorce.

You have to understand your spouse’s personality.

The same problems that existed in a marriage play out in a divorce.

The family law system has to attempt to navigate this. You are separating yourself from an individual you likely left because you couldn’t resolve conflict.

Or maybe you are one of the lucky ones, who had a non-contentious divorce.

You were able to free yourself from someone who was mature and reasonable. Or your somewhat difficult spouse wanted to move on and let you go. Or there still was bitterness and anger but you both rose above it to extricate yourself from a bad relationship.

I knew I was divorcing a narcissist.

When my husband and I were still in counseling together, he was diagnosed as lacking empathy and on the severe end of a narcissistic personality spectrum.

Hence, one of the most extreme personalities our therapist had ever counseled.

I knew my husband was seemingly charming but impossibly difficult.

I knew who I was divorcing.

But I never truly took that into consideration. I thought divorce was an end to our disagreements. I thought it was the unfortunate resolution of exhausting all of our options.

Divorce was sad but necessary.

Maybe that’s why I still chose to see the best in my husband during a divorce.

Or should I say, before I initiated our divorce?

I knew he was extreme but I thought he would do the right thing. I thought at the very least, as a parent he would have the ability to do the right thing. I thought he was capable of maturely divorcing me.

I was wrong.

Of course, I was wrong.

My husband had shown me his personality throughout our marriage.

It was indicative of what the family law system labels a high-conflict divorce. One or more individuals who are incapable of negotiating the terms of the divorce because they behave badly during a divorce.

This, in turn, leads to an overly long and typically abusive divorce.

I wish I had known this about the family law system.

I wish I had known how impossible it is to divorce individuals like this.

I wish I had been warned. I wish I had been prepared. I wish someone had said I was at risk for a high-conflict overly abusive and overly long divorce. I wish I knew what I was getting myself into.

I wish I knew I was starting a war and not ending a relationship.

There’s one important question you need to ask yourself before a divorce.

And it’s simpler but way more complicated than you think.

The simple part is the question.

What type of personality am I married to?

The complicated piece is how difficult or extreme the answer will make a divorce.

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