3 Things You Must Know to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce

Be prepared because a high-conflict divorce blindsided me.

I didn’t understand divorce. I just knew I wanted one. No one explained anything about divorce to me. No one asked me any questions. And no one told me what a high-conflict divorce is.

Sure, I knew people who had ‘ugly’ divorces.

I didn’t believe I would experience anything that extreme but I did.

It changed the course of my life and my profession.

I went from being a marketing/PR consultant, freelance journalist, and former business columnist. to a relationship columnist who has spent more than a decade in the counseling and research of love, relationships, and divorce.

I write from the perspective of my own experience as a woman.

But I hear from plenty of men unable to free themselves in a high-conflict divorce.

High-conflict divorce is not gender exclusive.

A spouse could be divorcing a difficult woman or a difficult man. It could also be a high-conflict divorce involving two difficult spouses. This type of divorce is not for the faint of heart. High-conflict divorce tends to be overly long and abusive.

I might not have understood what a high-conflict divorce was.

But here’s what I did know.

The man I was divorcing was an extreme personality.

He was passive-aggressively controlling, unwilling to negotiate, punishing, and more. He was diagnosed as lacking empathy with a narcissistic personality disorder on the extreme end of the spectrum. But I was still unprepared for what he was capable of nor a five-year divorce.

There isn’t a formal legal definition for high-conflict divorce.

The term is used in the family law system to explain a contentious divorce.

Think War of the Roses type divorce.

High-conflict divorce is where one or both spouses are unwilling to negotiate or agree on terms. It could be monetary or custody or both. This is why high-conflict divorce tends to be long in duration.

High-conflict divorce is typically ugly and nasty.

It can be argumentative, manipulative, punishing, and abusive.

Again, think of War of the Roses.

One or both spouses use divorce as an excuse for abuse. They allow their anger and resentment to play out during the divorce process. And they use whatever means possible to achieve their desired outcome.

This isn’t about the unfortunate demise of a relationship

This isn’t about properly putting the children first.

It’s about winning and seeking retribution.

This divorce is a playground for bad behavior. A spouse may lie about or undermine the other spouse. They may refuse to cooperate. They may be unpredictable and emotionally or financially abusive.

High-conflict divorces are generally preceded by a high-conflict marriage.

The issues that arose during the marriage will play out during the divorce.

If your spouse was either controlling, deceitful, vengeful, erratic, uncompromising, threatening, demanding, or other difficult personality traits, they will be more so during a divorce. The more difficult the individual the higher the probability of a high-conflict divorce.

High-conflict divorce is also common with some mental health disorders, such as personality disorders, substance abuse, and abusive spouses.

3 Things you must know to navigate a high-conflict divorce:

1. Retain a lawyer who specializes in high-conflict divorce

You need to retain a lawyer who is highly specialized in high-conflict divorce.

High-conflict divorce accounts for approximately 10 to 20% of all divorces.

This statistic drives home a very important fact.

The majority of divorces are not high-conflict which means you need to find the nearly 20% of family law attorneys who have the most experience in high-conflict divorce. Some say the number could be as high as 30% but most lean on 20% of divorces being considered high-conflict.

Whether you are experiencing a typical divorce or a high-conflict divorce you should interview multiple lawyers before choosing one. You should be on a fact-finding mission before you select a family law attorney.

Again, especially in a high-conflict divorce.

Why?

A high-conflict divorcing spouse or spouses will not play by the rules. They will violate typical societal boundaries and norms to get their desired outcome.

They will even ignore the family law and justice system.

They will be capable of over-litigating or passive-aggressively ignoring litigation. They will be capable of lying, manipulating, and cheating to get their custody or monetary outcome.

They will potentially hide money and other assets.

You need a family law attorney who is familiar with the abusive and corrupt tactics a spouse or spouses will implore during a high-conflict divorce.

High-conflict divorce is seen as a divorce that exceeds two years.

You need to retain the proper family law representation to protect your children, yourself, and your assets. Hopefully, this will also minimize the duration of the divorce. But with a high-conflict personality, it’s hard to be certain.

A high-conflict divorce can become a dangerous divorce.

You need an attorney who can best protect you in a high-conflict divorce.

2. Have a plan in place before initiating a high-conflict divorce

It’s important to have a plan in place before initiating a high-conflict divorce.

This means evaluating your situation before you even file.

Remember, in a high-conflict divorce even having legal representation doesn’t stop a high-conflict spouse from behaving badly. This is a winner take all personality who laughs at the law.

They will tie up litigation. They will withhold money, they will inflict financial abuse, will ignore custody orders, or do whatever it takes to feed their need for revenge.

You will require a strong support system.

Make sure you have family and friends to surround you during this process.

You should have a financial plan that includes enough money for food and essentials if your spouse withholds finances. You should have your own bank account and credit cards in your name only. You should run your credit report to make sure your spouse hasn’t damaged it.

Or that your spouse hasn’t taken out credit cards or loans in your name.

You should pull records for your mortgage and life insurance policies to make sure they haven’t been borrowed against. You should make sure you have a car or whatever transportation you need that could potentially be withheld from you.

You should request seven years of your bank account records and retirement account records. If you have a jointly owned business request seven years of those records.

When you retain a family law attorney they may hire a forensic accountant or instruct you to do these things. But it’s not a bad idea, to get a jump start on all documents before you initiate a divorce.

Make sure you have the money to meet your legal expenses.

In a high-conflict divorce, it would not be unusual for a spouse to cancel credit cards or close bank accounts to limit access to your financial resources.

Think of all your family’s primary needs.

Food, shelter, transportation, etc. These are the things an abusive spouse in a high-conflict divorce will use as weapons. High-conflict divorcing spouses will weaponize children and money to achieve what they desire.

3. Minimizing the impact of high-conflict divorce on children

You should try to minimize the impact a high-conflict divorce has on children.

Unfortunately, an extreme personality is capable of using, confusing, and abusing their own children to get their desired outcome in divorce.

This could involve custody or monetary issues.

In a high-conflict divorce, a spouse could be capable of hurting their own children to hurt their spouse and/or leave their spouse with nothing or take what their spouse wants most.

This could be withholding custody or manipulating a child.

It could be leaving a child without food, shelter, and other necessary financial means and stability. It’s an extreme personality who will use their own children as a pawn in the divorce process.

In a high-conflict divorce, a spouse may not put their children first.

Even if money is an issue, it’s important to prioritize family counseling for children. If you are borrowing money for legal expenses, borrow it for therapy too.

Because children will be caught in the chaos of a long and abusive divorce.

Children can benefit from family counseling especially if one parent is attempting to manipulate them. Make sure to get a counselor who is specialized in this field so they can accurately see the bigger picture and have the expertise to determine what the truth of both parents is.

Your children will also benefit from a strong foundation during a divorce.

The more love of family and friends, the better. The more time spent with extended family events and solid family friends the more a child has a reinforcement of safety, security, and predictability.

Be prepared for this never-ending divorce

Anyone who has experienced a high-conflict divorce will typically tell you they were unprepared. They had no idea about the high-conflict battle before them.

They were incredibly unaware of what their spouse was capable of.

By the time they recognized it, it resulted in running interference. In surviving and not thriving. In a sense of powerlessness to escape an individual.

A high-conflict divorce causes an intense sense of desperation.

A feeling that you are in the fight of your life to protect your children.

Even more bizarrely and unnaturally, from the other parent.

A high-conflict divorce shouldn’t be experienced by any individual. It definitely shouldn’t be endured by beautiful children who never had a dog in the fight.

It’s a disgrace that any adult, let alone a parent, inflicts this type of divorce.

It’s selfish, immature, unnatural, abusive, and reprehensible.

It’s a high-conflict divorce and you need a serious plan.