Sometimes My Divorce Feels Like a Never-Ending Hamster Wheel Ride
I thought a divorce would get me out of a bad relationship
You would have to leave a person who won’t let you leave them to understand my frustration. It’s not normal. When a relationship ends, it’s supposed to end.
If you asked my ex-husband he would say I’m the one who can’t move on.
It infuriates and makes me laugh.
He passive-aggressively controls my life. The financial destruction he caused has taken years to attempt to rebuild so it’s just another form of control.
The type of emotional haunting a severely controlling individual inflicts.
And then there’s the threat of withholding what I do get monthly from the business and life we built. It’s how he controls with a sense of unpredictability and instability.
It’s how he makes me feel pulled back when I attempt to move forward.
It’s the never-ending hamster wheel.
It’s how he’s overtaken the local restaurant I grew up going to. The place where all three of our boys worked. The same place he never visited throughout the divorce while they still worked there.
The staff would ask me, “Where’s the father?”
I imagine they can see the absurdity that ‘the father’ has shown up now that the divorce is finalized and none of his own children work there.
Bullies need to invade spaces.
They need to intimidate.
They need to remind you they lurk in the background.
So you try to avoid them. You jump off the hamster wheel but somehow they force you to jump back on. It gives you an imagined sense of movement and of freedom.
But they still have you caged.
They don’t have the confidence or the strength to let you go.
They won’t let you completely break up with them.
They will fight you passively or overtly. They will try and destroy you. And as you attempt to rebuild they will make it sound like you are the one who can’t move forward.
Even when they have stolen all of your joint assets.
Bullies are greedy that way.
They have a winner takes all mentality.
They need to make another person feel bad to make themselves feel good.
Sometimes my divorce feels like a never-ending hamster wheel ride.
I thought divorce would get me out of a bad relationship. But I underestimated the bully I married. The man with an incredibly fragile ego and low self-esteem.
The guy who wasn’t strong enough to let me go.
The bully that wanted to make sure I would survive rather than thrive.
If you would like to read more of my stories and support me as a writer, consider signing up to become a Medium member. For just $5 a month, you will get unlimited access to Medium.
