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Abstract

n’t gained (sorry I love a good pun) back control of. For obvious reasons. It was easy to put it on. It takes energy and motivation to take it off.</p><p id="2e22"><b>I am finally motivated.</b></p><p id="4aaa"><i>It’s why I was able to lose ten pounds.</i></p><p id="bb38">I feel better again. I feel like myself again. I’m not pretending to be happy. I am happy. I need my outside to match my inside. I need to be the person I was my entire life before a divorce leveled me. These are my thoroughly true and authentic reasons.</p><p id="458d">And now here’s the vanity-based answer.</p><p id="b1cc"><b>I have to post a picture to an online dating profile.</b></p><p id="35cd">I’ve put off dating for too many reasons to recount. I finally decided to challenge myself. If I signed up for online dating, I would be forced to deal with my unwanted weight gain.</p><p id="e924"><i>There would be a time element initiated.</i></p><p id="11d2">It seems to be working.</p><p id="05d2">I gained what I call ‘Forty pounds of Ralph’ in my divorce. The name changed to protect the guilty. I’ve got thirty more to go. Some people say I carry it well and that it doesn’t look like I’ve gained that much on my 5 foot 5-inch tall frame.</p><p id="8a22"><b>There’s a reason for this.</b></p><p id="4f37">It’s what I call my Anna Nicole-ish chest that seems to have attracted much of the weight. Making it all the more seemingly easy to lose it…at least one would think.</p><p id="fea7">But it hasn’t been easy.</p><p id="99e6"><b>I had to be ready for this next phase of my life.</b></p><p id="b331">This girl had to be ready for a full-body pic. I had to inch my way back to that scary territory enough to surrender my body to the camera. I did just that a few weeks ago at a wedding.</p><p id="9345">I had ten pounds of courage.</p><p id="e3d4">But there will always be a bigger (sorry can’t help the pun again) truth. I have to lose the weight that talks back to me.</p><p id="14f0"><i>If not, this atrocity of an experience…this thoroughly abusive man…this entire trauma continues to travel with me. It is the physical representation of the emotional battle I unwittingly embroiled myself in.</i></p><p id="9d2c">The mirror will always remind me of this truth.</p><p id="539a"><b><i>If you would like to read more of my stories and support me as a writer, </i></b><i>consider signing up to <a href="https://colleenorme.medium.com/membership">become a Medium member.</a> For just $5 a month, you will get unlimited access to Medium.</i></p><div id="00d2" class="link-blo

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Every Time I Look in the Mirror at My Divorce Weight Gain

This is what that weight says back to me

I picked a pretty headshot for this piece. I did it intentionally. It’s pretty much the only part of me you will see in pics these days. The facial selfie. No full-body pics of this girl.

I’m inching my way back to that scary territory.

I’ve lost ten pounds which makes me feel like I’ve won the first part of the war.

But not enough to surrender my full body to the camera.

The mirror is my truth. Every time I look in the mirror at my divorce weight gain…this is what the weight says back to me.

“You couldn’t escape an abusive overly long five-year divorce.”

“A financially abusive man made your life feel out of control.”

“He made your world feel unsafe, unpredictable, and chaotic.”

“You were in the fight of your life to escape a man.”

“You were terrorized and fighting to protect your children.”

“You were financially vulnerable and felt completely powerless.”

“You were begging for help but people couldn’t hear you.”

“Misguided naive people thought you wanted them to take sides.”

“You were frightened and didn’t know if you would make it out.”

The mirror is my truth.

This is what my weight says to me when I look in the mirror.

I can’t afford to not lose it.

If not, this atrocity of an experience…this thoroughly abusive man…this entire trauma continues to travel with me. It is the physical representation of the emotional battle I unwittingly embroiled myself in.

It’s the one thing I had control over during my divorce and after.

Ironically, it’s also the one thing I haven’t gained (sorry I love a good pun) back control of. For obvious reasons. It was easy to put it on. It takes energy and motivation to take it off.

I am finally motivated.

It’s why I was able to lose ten pounds.

I feel better again. I feel like myself again. I’m not pretending to be happy. I am happy. I need my outside to match my inside. I need to be the person I was my entire life before a divorce leveled me. These are my thoroughly true and authentic reasons.

And now here’s the vanity-based answer.

I have to post a picture to an online dating profile.

I’ve put off dating for too many reasons to recount. I finally decided to challenge myself. If I signed up for online dating, I would be forced to deal with my unwanted weight gain.

There would be a time element initiated.

It seems to be working.

I gained what I call ‘Forty pounds of Ralph’ in my divorce. The name changed to protect the guilty. I’ve got thirty more to go. Some people say I carry it well and that it doesn’t look like I’ve gained that much on my 5 foot 5-inch tall frame.

There’s a reason for this.

It’s what I call my Anna Nicole-ish chest that seems to have attracted much of the weight. Making it all the more seemingly easy to lose it…at least one would think.

But it hasn’t been easy.

I had to be ready for this next phase of my life.

This girl had to be ready for a full-body pic. I had to inch my way back to that scary territory enough to surrender my body to the camera. I did just that a few weeks ago at a wedding.

I had ten pounds of courage.

But there will always be a bigger (sorry can’t help the pun again) truth. I have to lose the weight that talks back to me.

The mirror will always remind me of this truth.

If you would like to read more of my stories and support me as a writer, consider signing up to become a Medium member. For just $5 a month, you will get unlimited access to Medium.