The Last Heartbreaking Thing a Narcissist Stole From Me
A couple sitting poolside just reminded me what it was
I’m enjoying a day in the sun. I’m finally taking advantage of our community pool. I’m counting my blessings. I’m grateful life is moving beyond the traumatic scars of a narcissist.
A couple enter the other side of the pool and settle into a few loungers.
They are in my direct view.
Unfortunately, the man reminds me of my ex-husband.
This is the true trigger of my heartbreaking realization.
The last thing a narcissist stole from me but you’ll have to read until the end.
He’s got nearly the exact physical look. He appears to be about 6 feet 3 inches tall and is broad-shouldered. His hair is graying and he sports a goatee. A look my ex-husband carried throughout many of our years together.
I have a knee-jerk reaction to seeing any man who resembles him.
It’s not wistfulness, nostalgia, or sadness.
It’s a fight-or-flight response.
The kind that accompanies the torturous and abusive escape from a narcissist. A man (a misnomer) a narcissist who I couldn’t free myself from…even in divorce. A narcissist that still haunts me years later.
I ignore the couple and go back to reading my book.
Until the man’s sudden movement catches my eye.
My narcissistic ex-husband’s doppelganger gets up out of his chair.
He leans over the woman he is with and grabs her hand. They chat for a moment, he kisses her, and he exits.
The simple expression of love.
This is what triggers me.
It reminds me of the last heartbreaking thing a narcissist stole from me.
It’s not what you’re thinking.
I’ve long accepted a narcissist was unable to love me. I no longer fool myself into believing what we once had was ever really love, not in a healthy and normal sense.
A narcissist is incapable of loving another human being because they are dangerously self-addicted. There’s no room in the world of a narcissist for anyone but the narcissist.
A narcissist loves as much as a narcissist is capable of loving anything.
But just as an alcoholic will choose a drink over the one they love, a narcissist will choose themselves.
It’s a warped, damaged, and abused version of a beautiful word…
Love.
Love can’t survive in these environments.
While I’m lost in thought the man returns to his chair.
I momentarily envy the couple. I’m not lonely and I haven’t been in a hurry to find love again but love is a wondrous thing. It’s something to be admired and lost in.
I find myself wondering if they are on their second round of love.
Their age makes their displays of affection appear so. There seems to be less comfort and more attentiveness, especially from my narcissistic ex’s doppelganger. And then my sad realization hits me.
I can’t even say I used to know the love this couple has.
I can’t even say I used to have someone who loved me.
Instead, I used to have someone ‘I thought’ loved me.
I’ve reconciled with a narcissist who didn’t have the ability to love me. I’ve accepted I married two extreme personalities within one person. Intellectually, I’ve long accepted this. My marriage to that man is over.
But until that poolside moment, I didn’t know the narcissist took something else.
The last heartbreaking thing a narcissist stole from me.
I was robbed of even ‘the memory’ of being loved.
Follow my quotes on Instagram or me on Twitter or LinkedIn or Facebook
If you would like to read more of my stories and support me as a writer, consider signing up to become a Medium member. For just $5 a month, you will get unlimited access to Medium.
