On Being Sensitive

The last time I learned well was in fifth grade

Working as a 9–1–1 Dispatcher has been hell on earth, but I’m glad I’ve stuck with it for one reason. Everyone has learning weaknesses, and this job has given me a richer view of mine.

Most people don’t make it very far. I’ve lasted three months.

Some newbies can’t deal with multiple computer monitors. I have seven separate login processes, and I have to log in quickly because I’m relieving another dispatcher. Every bit of downtime means no 9–1–1 coverage.

I use nine software programs, including four databases. Some people can’t deal when the technology breaks, and they have to troubleshoot solo while under pressure. Some can’t tolerate the sound of people screaming in pain. Others find the public annoying.

My problem is I am an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), so I get overwhelmed by multiple stressors.

To me, someone screaming in pain is just as stressful as someone asking me to print a form. Either one is manageable by itself, but when both happen at once, I start to tense up.

It’s not the type of demand; it’s the absolute number of demands. Once I pass a number — why not four, for the sake of argument? — I fold up like an origami swan squashed by a tank.

What’s it like when almost every interaction with another person feels like a demand? It’s not fun.

Elaine Aron coined the term “highly sensitive person,” although the euphemism “highly responsive person” is sometimes substituted.

According to Aron’s research, about 20% of mammals are wired this way. They notice more. They have more highly reactive nervous systems. They are more perceptive, and they process information more deeply. They find noise, violence, and conflict difficult or impossible to process.

I guess you could call HSPs the original deep thinkers, and they serve an important role in the tribe — seeing danger sooner and more clearly.

Highly sensitive people are not well-liked in loud and extroverted American culture nor tolerated by the majority. HSPs are often told they are too sensitive, overreacting, or should just “man up.”

The HSP label has gained traction because they are misunderstood and therefore crave community, which the HSP online world offers.

Learning Problems for HSPs

Until the 5th grade, I was fortunate to have kind, patient teachers. My parents generously shared knowledge and encouraged me to learn. I grew up in a pleasant neighborhood where school was safe.

I had many advantages. Unfortunately, they didn’t last.

Circumstances intertwined to create multiple stressors when I was 11. We moved frequently, my mother was hospitalized — sporadically and repeatedly — for mental illness, and school changed from an academic playground into a social carnival.

I learned well in the care of my early good teachers, but when the hellscape known as junior high came along, I felt like I’d been thrown to the wolves.

I tested well but real life in your teens is more about learning to do adult things. Handling multiple responsibilities and juggling social commitments are important skills and I was very slow to learn them.

I aced standardized tests because they were a quiet space where others left me alone. But in junior high and high school classrooms, it took all my energy to figure out what to do, stay focused, and feel good about myself.

If you have high test scores, as I did, it’s assumed you’ll be a good student. Unfortunately, the sterile testing environment and raucous school environments are opposites.

One is quiet, and you are alone. The other is full of other people. My learning problem could be summed up in a nutshell: I was always a little overwhelmed, especially by the presence of others.

I could never catch my breath nor find my footing, and while I was overjoyed to graduate, I never regained my excellent ability to learn.

My college GPA was 2.6, an exact replica of high school. In life, my learning problems only got worse as other people learned to adult while watched, confused, from the sidelines.

Life Learning Problems

I heard a truckload of jive about being a genius but that mostly served to make me feel gaslit. Why the widening gulf between my “high IQ” and my performance?

The question of why I couldn’t perform or succeed haunted me.

It must be me. I must not be working hard enough. I must have a bad attitude.

People assumed I was slacking. The toxic story of not trying hard enough stayed with me for decades until I gained insight into the duplicity of testing. When I finally grasped the handicaps of being HSP, it clicked.

I worked my ass off, but sometimes your best isn’t good enough. I learn very well, but only when the environment is conducive.

My Sad Life as a 9–1–1 Dispatcher

I’ve spent the last three months learning to be a police and fire dispatcher, and it’s been awful. I’ve kept at it because the job is hard for almost everyone. Large cities put dispatchers through a grueling weeding-out process, but in our small town, the police don’t have that luxury.

One day, the Chief, her 9-year-old son, and Mr. Chief brought a kitten into the dispatch room. They wanted to give it to my trainer.

At this moment, I was trying to learn a moderately complicated data entry procedure for a type of citation I’d never seen. At the same time, I was using a series of dropdown menus while answering the 9–1–1 phone.

Everyone — including the kitten — was directly behind me. Close to me.

In front of me were four computer monitors, a dispatch microphone, a telephone, and a wide variety of software systems. Oh, and a window. There was a walk-up window to my left.

Outside, I could see cop cars, and occasionally, an officer walked by.

Feeling overwhelmed, I said, “Help me,” but no one heard.

My trainer was giggling. They were playing with the kitten. You don’t need to be an HSP to have trouble with this scenario.

That “kitten test” — I failed it, of course — is what much of my life has been like when it comes to learning new things in a public setting.

I failed, of course.

The Lessons for Young HSPs

If you are an HSP, take the online advice seriously. HSP characteristics are backed up by solid research.

Don’t do a job that makes you exhausted. I’d recommend against teaching school, for example.

Carve out space and time for yourself, above all else, and don’t feel guilty.

When people tell you that you are too sensitive, tell them to fuck off. They have no idea. They aren’t picking up on the same stimuli. They really are monumentally clueless as to what life feels like for you.

If you decide to become a writer, you might be poor — but you won’t be exhausted and full of self-doubt.

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Jean Campbell is based in Hot Springs, Arkansas. She has been writing on Medium for years. She recently published her first novel, Down and Out on the Road South, with Wings ePress.